Newborn sleep patterns: A survival guide for the science-minded parent(parentingscience.com) |
Newborn sleep patterns: A survival guide for the science-minded parent(parentingscience.com) |
Hold the advice unless it is asked for (and don't be offended if it is then ignored)
Looking after the baby may not be what the new parents would prefer you to do. Offer to do chores - laundry, shopping, bins, cleaning etc. Don't be offended if they also take the opportunity to sleep.
If you are giving presents - include something that is purely for the mum that is not related to motherhood - great book, fave. magazines, skin care makeup etc. as appropriate.
I would also add that I agree 100% with the comments about most advice not being particularly useful and also that sleep/nighttime strategy is dictated a lot by work schedule, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, and whether you co-sleep in addition to the differences in each baby.
Remember: all of the statistics and scare stories about co-sleeping are related to alcohol or obesity.
If you are neither drunk nor obese[1], you shouldn't think twice about co-sleeping.
[1] Granted, this does rule out a significant portion of the US population ...
That makes it a bit difficult to interpret the existing literature since you can't always be sure exactly what is being measured.
FWIW, when I was reading it seemed like the majority of the benefit comes from having the baby in the same room as you. It's fine to have them sleep in a bassinet so you can have a bit more room to yourselves. Or just if you don't want to spend all night being kicked by a restless newborn.
On the other hand, if you live your life out of 1 in a million fears, your life is not very awesome.
http://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299.full.pdf+html?sid...
The risk is low, but it is an avoidable risk...
Edit: i realize now that you may have done this for the first few weeks or months, in which case it's not a huge deal. The neighbors in my example are still cosleeping with their 2.5 year old.
Lately we've decided to put him in his bed and come reassure him if he wakes up, but each time we have to go comfort him we wait longer than the previous time. So we do 5 minutes, 10 min, 20 min, and so on... Usually he sleeps after the 20 minutes mark.
In my experience the most important thing is to find your routine and stick to it as much as possible.
But, obviously, what works for you is what's important.
I consider this part of perhaps the most important rule of parenting: don't do (or stop doing ASAP) stuff you don't want to keep doing. Supplementary rule: expect friction any time you stop doing one of these things, and do your best to ignore said friction, or you'll backslide and never effect change, probably causing more total suffering (for all concerned) than if you'd just gone cold-turkey.
First, parents should give serious consideration to sleeping in shifts or sleeping in different rooms. Don't sacrifice your health and sanity on the altar of "healthy couples always sleep together every single night no matter what".
Second, take note of the fact that kids do not generally throw fits about being put in their carseat. That's because they quickly realize that no matter what they do, no matter what happens, no matter what the situation - they always have to go in the carseat. That's interesting because it demonstrates that you absolutely can successfully introduce any arbitrary behavior in your child ... provided that you enforce 100% compliance. 99% compliance ? Expect WW3. Expect pain. But 100% compliance - you can make that work.
At times it can be a delicate balance between enforcing the rules that are truly important, being sensitive to their needs/capabilities, and letting go of things that don't really matter.
#2 thing is offer perceived choice, or give them a "win". Don't ask if they want to get dressed, offer them a choice between two outfits. Being stubborn about dinner: Do you want a fork instead of a spoon? Put it in a bowl? Some ketchup? Soooooo many times just giving them something to feel in-control about works wonders.
I think that is right, but a car seat is not a great example. Babies tend to feel more secure when wrapped tightly, so it isn't hard to get them to adapt to a car seat. No one I know has ever had a problem getting a baby into a car seat.
And, about the car seat issue: ours still starts fussing and flexing whenever we try to put her in the stroller, despite ... her always going in the stroller.
Long story short, if you're in a stressful situation where things you really want and care about (e.g., sleep) seem to happen randomly, then you're going to be actively hunting for any pattern that you can grasp onto. You're also going to be in a situation that's chock full of spurious correlations.
"Holy crap. I'm a dad!"
One of the most incredible internal processes I experienced was that, out of nowhere, I suddenly just knew stuff, like what to do, how to act, how to help, how to be there.
I won't write that book here, hehe - the point I basically want to make is that lots of places talk about the amazing maternal instinct, but without a doubt there is also such a thing as the paternal instinct: you know what the little guy/gal needs, what mother and child both need, and this all comes naturally. I didn't have a clue until all of a sudden I just did.
That's how it was to me at least. Like some kind of DNA-code activated all kinds of things that had an impact on my sense of self, my behaviour, my self-confidence got a boost too, and so on and so forth.
And it's true what they say: you need to have experienced it before you can really understand it.
So, to the grandparent (and parent) posters: godspeed and I wish you all the best. Have fun, and if you're anything like me then know this: patience does pay off ond things do get back to normal. Hard to realise when you're still riding that rollercoaster, but still very true indeed.
"Don't use homeopathic teething gels", for example.
With the obvious exception of actual medical advice, and how to let a baby sleep to minimize SIDS.
One thing I will say is; even if your wife is stay home, get up with the children when you can, she NEEDS the break. My wif works full time so I always shared the duty. We bottle fed though, which meant I could share the duty.
Every kid is different sadly and especially siblings. My only advice is make sure you get a developmental screening from an expert.
// here is one example of the Denver II http://drhart.net/clinic/forms/denver%20ii%20developmental%2...
Towards the end the of paper it says, 'One has to ask whether it is worth taking the risk, however small, of losing a baby, when it can be so easily avoided.' I feel like that's the justification for a lot of safety precautions that each seem like a no-brainer individually, but add up to a sterile and unpleasant (and very low mortality rate) way to raise children. But I do think that's how a lot of people look at it, basically just sleep worse and bond less with your baby to take this risk from something like 1 in 5000 to 1 in 12000. But for us at least, it lowered our quality of life to not have the baby in the bed, so it wasn't really that low cost of a way to decrease the risk, especially given that 1 in 5000 starting point.
The crazy thing about the scare culture around raising children is that you're expected to make all these sacrifices to your quality of life so that you can eke out minuscule gains in the mortality of your infant. But nobody wants to talk about how crazy it is to then strap your kid into a steel box and hurtle around town at 60+ mph.
Great advice about "false" choices - those are great. We always give choices like "do you want to get ready for bed now, or in five minutes ?" You can avoid lots of angst with those.
"Grandma lets me do X" is not necessarily the same as "I can now do X all the time", as they will find out the next time they try X at home ...
But just about anyone can set up a factory making this stuff, and there's not much regulation, which means we have no idea what's really in there.
Homeopathic teething gels are linked to possibly 10 deaths, and 400 children harmed. That's after the manufacturers were warned about incorrect dilution.
http://arstechnica.com/science/2016/10/fda-homeopathic-teeth...
> Last month, the Food and Drug Administration warned parents to stop using homeopathic teething gels and tablets, which may have been improperly diluted. Yesterday the agency said it is investigating 10 infant deaths and more than 400 reports of seizures, fever, and vomiting that may be connected to the use of the teething treatments in the past six years.
As a couple others just pointed out, homeopathic teething drops in particular have come under recent scrutiny in the US for having dangerous concentrations of belladonna.
[1] http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/uc...
If you struggle, keep your mind open to looking for and experimenting with small tweaks. I've discovered that details such as how tightly a nipple is on a bottle (keep it somewhat loose so air can exchange), or looking for signals like thrashing legs (gas? need to poop?) can make a huge difference. Treat it like debugging code, if that's a domain you are comfortable in.
And may you feel no shame in reaching out for help. I've never understood humility in the way I do now, and I'm grateful that I do.
I wish you the best!
After that, we're seriously considering splurging on a nanny... I like to think of it as an investment in my sanity.
The time spent doing this not only builds inter-generational ties but also seems to build up our parents' health: we have found that they perk up and snap out of old age haze when their grandchildren are around. In the long run, this can only be a good thing.
Our first is due in April, and this thought bums me out a bit. But we live in different countries, and moving home just isn't an option, so, shrug.
I am fortunate in that I can take time off to meet our grandparent obligations, but damn it would be easier (and CHEAPER) if everyone was in one place!