Ask HN: What to do in a situation where a person is making sexist comments?

4 points by javajive 8 years ago | 6 comments

I recently attended a data science meetup. I met a woman visiting from an Asian country on a year long internship. A male engineer introduced himself to her. He proceeded to tell her that she was beautiful, something about her eyes being the right shape. However, he then went on to tell her that she should just go to clubs to pick up a hot, successful guy with her looks. He immediately ended the conversation, turned to another male intern, and asked him questions about the program. I was stunned and did not know how to react. At the time, all I could think was, "what the are you saying?". I don't believe that creating a scene would have helped the situation. How would you respond to a situation like this?

ordu 8 years ago |

I would do nothing. Even if woman has shown signs that she is offended by this and I would feel need to help her to cope with stress, I'll do nothing. It is hard to talk with offended and to not offend her even more.

I generally try to avoid communicating with extremely sensitive people. It is pain to talk with them trying to guess if the next my comment would offend her or it wouldn't. It is just boring, you need to stop making fun from life, stop joking, stop thinking in unexpected ways and try to think in a ways the most people think, because it is the only safe way.

Situation becomes worse if such a sensitive person already feel offended.

gmossessian 8 years ago | |

The OP is clearly asking about how to respond to the male instigator of the situation. Your misreading of the question, as well as your assertion that the woman involved in the story is "sensitive" and that, to understand how she feels, you would need to "stop making fun from life" and "try to think [the way] the most people think" shows a complete a total ignorance and lack of empathy on your part. The OP made no mention of the woman's reaction, everything you are saying is based on your own flawed assumptions. Please rethink the situation.

bigiain 8 years ago |

To the male engineer - preferably with her in earshot: "Hey, that's way out of line and spectacularly unprofessional. We don't do that here. Treat people with respect. You owe her an apology."

jainankit9 8 years ago |

Well it works for some gals, so what's there to lose. that guy was following the same attitude..."nothing to lose".

Chill man and don't react.

If you are single, this is for you:: What you can do is.. goto her and apologize, saying" I am sorry on that man's behalf, not all scientists are like him. .......and switch the conversation about something she has into or about field of internship she is in. :)

gmossessian 8 years ago | |

What there is to "lose" is a sense of dignity and self-respect that comes from treating others with respect. The woman in the story was almost certainly at a data science meetup because, big surprise, she wanted to engage with others on the topic of data science, network, discuss current areas of current research, etc. Not to be treated as a fleshy object of sexualized adulation and Asian fetishization.

Why would OP only engage with the woman if he/she were single? Do you only talk to people about their interests if you're trying to get laid?

purpleostrich 8 years ago |

I would introduce yourself to her and mention that you thought the previous guy was an idiot and a freak.

I would then engage her in a data science topic and ignore the guy.