Ask HN: Do you have any kind of self-destructive habit? Yes: - Any excess or self-harm like smoking, drinking when you know it doesn't add - Indirect self-harm like sitting a lot - Addictions internet, coding, eating, thinking, etc - Excessive stuff like procrastination when you should be working or just consumption to feel happy/ worth it/ fit in. No: No self harm and a good balance of excesses. If yes, Why? If no, how do you know? Can you delay gratification? |
Can I delay gratification? Sure. I don't always want to do so. I don't fear death. I fear fragility of the mind and body. I don't want 90 boring years. I want 70 damned fun years where every day is the best day ever.
I'm nearing that 70 year mark and not even remotely scared. They'll prop me up with opiates and amphetamines. I see that as something to look forward to, not fear.
My limited knowledge of you via your HN comments tells me you're in no danger of this whatsoever.
> "opiates and amphetamines"
Hopefully at the same time :)
Quick; unexpected; spectacular; unusual; shocking; smiling; etc...
Words I don't want:
Prolonged; suffering; sad; fire; sober; alone;
I'll settle for peacefully in my sleep, but screaming in terror and surrounded by friends is also good. I figure that will at least be quick and give someone a good story to tell.
It's peaceful to have come to grips with my mortality.
But, i'm not one when i go out and drink. So when i go out, i drink too much ( i always have a lot of one-liners comings up). I'm not an alcoholic, i only drink on friday and saturday evenings ( when i go out)
Also, i always have been in extremes. When i wanted to do sport, i did > 10 hours per week ( no alcohol ofc and outside my full time job), but didn't have time for anything else.
Now i'm working on my SAAS, day and night.... I don't need people, but i force myselve to be arround them. I don't need to plan anything, i just say yes when people ask... This year, i didn't even celebrate my 30th birthday, cause i was on a wedding.
That's was when I started wondering why did I do what I did. Are extremes worth it in mid-long term? they can turn into habits too soon and really difficult to get out of them. It took me years to realize (maybe I still am) that most of the time I did this was to get a sense of external approval, fit in, achievement of the impossible, be different, ... in the end was a doing stuff in excess not for a real worthy reason but because of the lack of sense of identity.
This is a good article on the topic
WESTCHESTER OPINION; WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY OF EXCESS - WHY?
http://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/02/nyregion/westchester-opini...
Thanks
Basically, once we past our honeymoon phase, she wants attention and affection sometimes, but not always, usually when she wants it. Other times, she tells me to go away or that she's not in the mood for that. She can be very emotional and other times, very distant, kind of similar to me. It is hard to find a balance or understand that balance.
Feeling rejected, I turn to the coding world, get lost in my web apps, and that feeling of rejection lasts for days sometimes so I get so wrapped up in what I'm doing that I don't give her attention or affection when she wants it because that rejection made me prioritise my coding over her.
It has been a cycle.. we'll argue about it, and then things will go back to normal, and I'll give her the attention and affection she craves.. then she basically wants me to go away and come back when she wants, rinse and repeat.
So I'd have to say my Internet addiction, which is really my coding addiction kicks in. Instead of gaming, I turn to coding, because I feel its more productive than just sitting around gaming. I build both free- and paid- web apps, and I can't just sit there or lie there doing nothing.. it drives me crazy to not be tinkering with something.
And sometimes she does get upset with me because I do have to try and focus my brain on watching a movie or a show with her instead of thinking about coding something. I can't sleep at night until I'm tired, so instead of just lying there, or taking some type of pills or whatever, I code until I'm exhausted instead, which means I'm not "sleeping with her" and I think she gets upset about that too.
I know some guys will say, "If I had a woman.. I'd always... I'd treat her...." Yup... me too. Past the honeymoon phase where you get to know her, live with her, deal with her bullshit, bad habits and attitude, and get back to me on that one.
I like progressively increasing my skill. I have to force myself to do passive things like watching TV. Even then, I need shows that are 'active', like Rick and Morty or Game of Thrones, where I can reverse engineer characters, think up conspiracy theories, or do something.
The problem is that my choice of relaxation is active, and thus draining. I get better at these things, but it sucks away my attention from things like programming.
I like the pain of improving skills, and games are perfect at this. Online debating too, because it takes only 10 minutes to come up with a well phrased answer.
Progress at programming is also very jerky. You end up hitting a lot of walls, being forced to debug something, or realize that the plan you spend 2 weeks on was wrong. The problem is usually very vague so there's a meta where you have to figure out what problem we're trying to solve first and whether we have resources for this solution.
I watch Game of Thrones with the fan-made slippy map open on my phone. And documentaries with Google Earth open. :)
This is what helped me:
Jim Rohn - It's All About Change (Jim Rohn Personal Development) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA8W1Q_HRmI
- Overspending
- Overpartying
- Undersleeping
- Content addiction
- Overthinking
- Too much sitting
- Procrastination
On the outside, I'm an overachieving dude who has his life together. On the inside, I'm a wreck.
Thanks for your advice though.
Right now, it's peaceful, but we have had our plenty of ups and downs. There is probably more going on with her than I could even know... she does admit that to me. I'm not trying to make it one sided.. I'm sure it's me too. A recent argument led us to realize maybe we aren't right for each other. And there was some mutual agreement in that. Whatever the case may be, it has just been a pattern of both of our behaviors that have led us to be the way we are today.
We are just two stubborn people set in our ways and while we, in a way, want similar things, the way we want to get there is different. I think the important thing is that we both recognize that while we do love each other, we are toxic to each other, and while we're working on at least getting along for the time being.. as we are financially tied together for at least another year or so, I feel as long as we can keep some peace, we'll be alright.
When my grandmother was dying of cancer, I asked her how she felt about her death which we knew was likely just weeks away. She said that, aside from the cancer, being old sucks in ways that made her more ready to be done with it. And her life was in good order so it was an ok time to end. That's really my only wish -- that I be ready for it. Pain's ok as long as it doesn't turn me into a total asshole.
I'm 59. If I get another 11 years, I'll be pretty stoked. I've done everything I've wanted to do, for the most part. I don't have any great yearning to accomplish more, I've done plenty. I have enough and worked my ass off to get here. This is just time to enjoy the moment, something I feel privileged to have.
It is also very comforting to know my affairs are all in order. If I get diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I'll probably order up a large satchel of illegal narcotics, invite some friends over, and go on a wild adventure until I die. I may not even seek treatment other than pain remediation.
And, yeah, my close friends and family all know my views. They are largely in agreement.
Meh... I figured I'd share an alternative view. I'm pretty sure many won't agree they'd do it this way, but it's not their death.
I know a cancer survivor who basically said (at the time that they had cancer and were undergoing treatment) that if they didn't have a child to raise, that would be the path they would choose. They said having cancer was not torture, but the treatments were, basically.
Of course, we can't really tell unless I'm actually in that situation... I can only speculate.
I've been in pretty dangerous places, including combat, so I know I'm not really scared of my mortality. I just REALLY hope it doesn't hurt like hell beforehand.
So, I hear ya. I hate hurting. I'm not afraid of death, though.