I'm building a takeout service for dogs(ramblings.tonyrice.me) |
I'm building a takeout service for dogs(ramblings.tonyrice.me) |
Edit:
Now that I think about it, you're definitely on to something. Foodcoin is a thing... but then again takeout for pets will be too :D
1. Theres zero information on that page. You never even hint at what is deficient in normal dog food, or what is the benefit of your proposed food, or even what it is. Instead there is a profusion of upbeat yet wholly insubstantial buzzwords and phrases.
2. A very large proportion of the text is in bold for emphasis, giving it that humorous 'crazy person' look.
3. The very concept seems like a parody of the ridiculous 'Juicero'-like silicon valley startup. A proposal that could only be taken seriously in that bizarre, rarefied, and plutocratic environment.
Honestly it ticks all the boxes for a parody. It wouldnt seem out of place on 'clickhole' or 'something awful'
ps. I'm not trying to shit on your idea at all. I genuinely thought it was a parody and the above points explain how I got that impression.
On a more serious note, your advice is definitely useful to me. I am going to try to brush up on the delivery and make it look less like a parody.
This is also the first time I'm hearing of Juicero. Definitely rough happenings.
To improve your landing page I would..
immediately establish the following points as tersely and clearly as possible, ie If you can do one of them with 4 words great!.
1. Whats wrong with conventional dog food
2. Whats your better idea
and then, smaller, slightly more detailed points..
3. Very briefly whats your plan to make this happen.
4. What do you need to carry out this plan
I would also, eliminate any cruft that isnt really saying anything that isnt necessary eg. this whole paragraph
" How am I going to do it? I'm going to use my software engineering and entrepreneurial experience. My technical experience goes pretty deep, well beyond just a software engineer. I can do things with a computer not even I understand. This gives me an edge over a lot of things. When I want to learn something I just do it. So here I am. "
You dont need to say "hey I'm a good software guy".
If you propose this idea well, readers will assume youre capable of carrying it out. No-one will ever state the negative of that eg. "I'm a really bad unreliable lazy worker and I dont care about this" so you dont need to state the positive.
Also dont say youre good and enthusiastic, show them with a clear impressive presentation.
Overall imo the site is too conversational while also being too light on actual information, its like youre waffling.