Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination

32 points by himom 8 years ago | 16 comments

I’m not depressed, sad, angry, hurt, drunk, high or self-injurious... I’m just tired of boredom, misery and wasting. I’m homeless in a vehicle that doesn’t work in a parking lot that’s not precisely safe.

The following is text of an email to the only person I know, my mother:

9 years of living homeless is enough. I have no purpose and no future. I have to stop idling and face reality. I have nothing, am nothing, provide nothing, can’t interact with people and offer nothing. I’m tired of all of it. I don’t have anything to do and refuse to do pointless “painting for dementia patients” meaningless “work” that doesn’t change anything. I can’t think of anything worth doing, I can’t think anymore (cognitive decline) and I don’t have any means to do anything if I did. It’s not your fault, it’s bad genetic dice and my fault for where I’m at. My mind is failing, my health is failing in multiple ways and I can’t keep delaying the inevitable.

I wish this didn’t have to be so but wishing doesn’t help the facts. I’m a parasite whose lifecycle needs to expire sooner rather than later, so you must let me go. There is no viable alternative that I can think of that I could live with. I don’t want to live in this failing world anymore and I’m failing too. There’s nothing for me here or anywhere. I can’t build anything, I can’t do anything, I can’t have friends, I can’t have a family... so I don’t want to live.

It’s over.

raleighm 8 years ago |

I’m sure the folks you’ve engaged with here at HN over past 7 months would want you to call a crisis number. If you value HN enough to post here, do them/us that favor?

Not sure what country you’re in so: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

resource0x 8 years ago |

I went through some of your posts - you are certainly a very rational person. The problem with rationality is that it is very sensitive to inputs. You believe something is true, and from there, you deduce that your life is meaningless. The problem is: you antecedent is wrong! E.g. you write: > With deep learning, actuaries were inevitably, mostly obsolete, at some point. It’s unpleasant to think, that in a way, tech can now readily disrupt nearly any arbitrary office-worker knowledge industry at will, destroying businesses and specialties and concentrate both capability and wealth in ever fewer hands. Coding isn’t a “forever” specialty either... self-coding machines will create languages, protocols and systems humans will likely be unable to understand, limit, modify, monitor or audit.

Here, you bought into hype. There's nothing the current form of AI will disrupt except maybe most routine worker jobs that must be automated anyway. AI is 1% of substance and 99% of propaganda, it will achieve very little, and the hype will stop pretty soon. And this is not the only piece of propaganda you believe in (based on some other posts I don't cite here).

I am familiar with feedback loop: you get in trouble, become pessimistic, and chose to believe only in things that align with you pessimism. Being a rational person, you should become aware of that and reconsider.

If you want to drop me a line, my email is in the profile.

jmcminis 8 years ago |

Your email and post/comment history seem quite cogent. You still have the ability to write clearly and effectively. Please consider your options. Reach out to someone locally for help/contact. I would be surprised if there weren’t something you could work productively towards.

raleighm 8 years ago |

What type of work would you like to be doing? What do you feel is standing in your way? You mentioned your mom is the only person you know, does that mean you don't have many sounding-boards? The title indicates you want to do what’s rational. I do my worst thinking when I’m stuck in my own head. Path out usually emerges after speaking with others (as diverse as possible).

robertpelloni 8 years ago |

I lived in a parking lot for 3 years. I wish I would have just gotten a basic job in order to get an apartment to stabilize my mental health and bootstrap to something better. It really takes a toll on your emotions and ability to think clearly to not have any stability.

erric 8 years ago |

I don’t know about your situation, save what you have written here. I’m sure there are many aspects of your existence I won’t understand.

You say you’re not sad, angry or self-harming, however reading your post does give me pause to think that you may be in these states.

Is this a thought experiment? Do you have a plan? Do you have a date or time set?

If you do, please talk with someone about it.

dorfsmay 8 years ago | |

To OP: please call a crisis line.

Suicide is cutting out options. By living you still keep all options open, including suicide. So there is nothing to lose by delaying your decision.

I'm sure at least once in your life you've experienced people giving you ideas you had not thought about... Reach out to people, talk your situation though with people. Why not exploring other options?

codingdave 8 years ago |

You are 100% depressed and self-injurious. Being calm and collected about it doesn't mean you aren't in those states. Call someone and get some help.

FuckOffNeemo 8 years ago |

himom, give me a call.

Chances are we aren't in the same country but it's no effort of mine to put time aside for you. I'll make it work.

Here's my email: jonathon @ jdtay dot com

We can exchange numbers via email (forgive me for not wanting it out in a high transit, publicly presented page such as HN).

From one person with their own demons to another, I extend my hand out to you. I hope this gets to you in time.

seorphates 8 years ago |

I can't just let this go by because I'm fearful and hopeful so I'm designing my own scenarios and outcomes for this because I'd rather it end well. This should be a prelude to a bigger, longer story, no? One where the hero makes it past chapter 1. One where a mother doesn't actually read that note because it was never sent. One where our hero catches a single, tiny glimpse of what life is and can be and manages to hold on against furious odds and for many chapters.

A tiny glimpse, a blade of grass or a chattering wren. Anything. A perspective through the eyes of another and reflection through the eyes of a mother. You against you is a battle that only you can win but you simply cannot win if the field is empty. One will always be grabbing on to the slimmest of threads and weaving a garden even through horrors and dread. And there's help. There is definitely help.

It looks like you're in that place where serenity and reason is a mask for an inhospitable calm, a dreamscape that is not a dream where security and sense of self can be left behind simply by dropping what you're holding on to and no longer or or realize that you were holding onto anything at all.. Find the thread and pick it up. Please. You've just penned the beginning of a story that many are now reading. It's the little things and, in a larger sense, this is no longer just you and your mother. Consider the offers here. You've reached out now grab a hold.

kej 8 years ago |

I don't know you or what your life is like, but I can tell you that I've been in a very similar mental place and I can tell you that your mind is lying to you right now.

Please seek help. There are lots of options and possibilities, but your brain is trying to convince you that those options don't exist.

mabynogy 8 years ago |

You're objectively depressed. Who would happy with no home, no job and no friends nor an helpful family?

The first step is to find a place to live. It's very bad for the moral.

You have something to do in this world but you don't know it yet. It must be something constructive like raising kids.

with_a_herring 8 years ago |

Okay, we're in an existential and metaphysical (meaning of Life) thread. Please let me give you a metaphysical and seemingly irrational answer. Irrational doesn't prevent truth, btw. So here it is : I gave my life away to God (and try to remember doing it every day), because I realized at some point that I cannot make it meaningful nor make it meet my requirements. What happened is that He transformed me (and still does). Think of it (if you can) : God is your creator. He knows you better than yourself. He knows why you were created. He's allowing this world to stay alive, not to prolong suffering, but so that everyone can be with Him, well and alive, for now and for eternity. He loves (i.e. wants the best for someone) each one of us in the strongest way. What proof do I have for this statement ? Well, I found that in the Bible (the most read book in the world). Every day, I'm getting better (still suffering, of course, but for a reason) in this crazy world : It's not a psychological crutch, it's a real relationship with someone, who happens to be the best possible and most loving person. How does it work ? Forget your pride. You pray (i.e. talk to your creator, in all honesty), He answers. Also, you read the Bible, you get answers. Guaranteed (by God himself).

PS : There are free & offline apps to read the Bible.

hungerstrike 8 years ago |

Before you give up, try living for others to ease their pain. Even simple things can help, such as holding a door open for people. Older people need a lot of help.

Your physical vehicle of consciousness gives you opportunities that you just can’t have if you’re not here. Are you sure that you’ve tried everything that you can and that every attempt has been perfectly executed with the necessarily correct attitude?

taxicabjesus 8 years ago |

> It’s over.

This depends on which philosophic overview is correct. If the physicalists are basically right, and conciousness is a result of chemical processes, self-exterminating would indeed end your predicament.

But if the animists are correct, self-terminating your current physical body won't actually solve anything for you. You'll go through a period of "confusion", then a life review. Eventually you'll have to start over: gestation, birth, a few years of being basically helpless... Hopefully you can avoid the pitfalls you've experienced this time, next time around.

Sticking with your current body, and figuring your way out of your predicament, is actually much easier than starting over from scratch. Help is always available, if you seek it out: 'ask, and ye shall receive, search and the door shall be opened to you.'

Recommended reading: Far Journeys, by Robert Monroe.

ripsawridge 8 years ago | |

+1. There are other ways of looking at what you are and what this world might be. You are defining yourself by what you appear to be here. You are much more.

What if the meaning of your life right now is to have lost the thread of meaning? You are traversing a knife-edged ridge. I wish you good will, and come safely through.