Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

539 points by mparkola 6 years ago | 423 comments

For the past several years I've been putting in a lot of time into learning and sharing people skills (without the bullshit).

I'm interested in skills from dealing with your own emotions, through communication with close co-workers to high-stakes negotiating.

I'm curious: what are some people skills that you wish you had learned earlier in your career or that you wish your co-workers had easier access to?

Also: what are your favorite books and/or other resources that helped you?

whiddershins 6 years ago |

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did.

Some important ideas

- Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with someone, you are almost always choosing not to get along with them ... you know exactly what to do to get along with them and just don’t want to do it.

- Conversly, not everyone will like you and that’s ok. You aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. Being ok with that is an important mental tool.

- To crib from 12 steps or The Four Agreements, nothing is personal. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. Even if someone hates you, it’s not YOU per se. It’s their experience of you. It’s not personal.

- It may be fair to say that it’s impossible to win an argument. Getting your way by “winning” an argument seems to come with an unacceptable cost attached most of the time. Try getting good at “yes and” style conversations where you run with the other persons point and build upon it creatively, it tends to make conversations more interesting than debating people. Truly, I find compulsive disagreement to be a boring conversational style.

- Take personal appearance seriously, and view it as an ongoing project too. So many people fall in to the trap of thinking they can avoid dealing with signaling, which is silly, you always are signaling so best take a look at what you are sending out there. I think it is very psychologically healthy to care for yourself, the act is good for you, and you can change how you present yourself gracefully as you age, which people screw up all the time and it makes them look older, somehow, instead of younger.

lookathrwaway 6 years ago | |

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud?

Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into.

I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a mask of civility and charm when needed, but all I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge.

It's like you try to peel back a single layer of why people believe what they believe and there's nothing there. No reflection, no relevant context, no mirror provided by an intimate knowledge of history or literature ... just nothing.

Nearly every time I work up the motivation to try to really get to know someone who I think I may have judged too quickly I find religiosity, passive consumerism, an unexamined life, something so distasteful that it takes ages before I can do it again.

How do people put up with it?

NeutralCrane 6 years ago | | |

No offense, but I mean this, earnestly: get over yourself.

If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person.

You bemoan that you find almost everyone a "paper shell". And yet you are the one who has restricted your opinion of interesting people and topics with a PhD attached to it. You dismiss pursuits that have spanned all of human history like sports, family, food, religion as "pedestrian". That is indicative of an incredibly shallow and one-dimensional person. If you "peel back" the layers of people and frequently find nothing, that doesn't mean their is nothing there, it means you don't have the perception or ability to find it.

You say "all I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge", and those with "reflection" or "relevant context", and yet you seem to have done little to no reflection, have limited relevant context outside your very limited definition of what is interesting, and have little to no self-awareness. You have constructed a fantasy where everyone else is inferior and uninteresting rather than accept the reality that you are likely a dull, uninteresting person who isn't nearly as intelligent as you believe.

I strongly recommend you take a step back, and seriously challenge your current beliefs about your relative intelligence and depth, and ask if the problem is not that others are dull, but rather you are a shallow, uninteresting person without the breadth of interests or life experience to relate to others. Doing so may open up avenues you have closed to yourself previously and help you relate to others more easily.

teekert 6 years ago | | |

I had a colleague like that, he was diagnosed with Asperger. He genuinely wanted to be interested in others but wasn't... At least until we discussed bitcoin, or Isaac Arthur, or Scifi audio books with interesting concepts, or his body building diet... I think he just had little in common with the family people at work. I told him, most people have something you can learn from them and if not, just be polite and it's ok. I can tell you (and I have a PhD if this helps you accept my answer) that intelligence has very little to do with having a PhD so you are ignoring a lot of interesting, smart people right there.

You know, some people that you would consider simpletons are intensely happy due to their attitude in life and I for one am always interested in those people. People with a drive to explore the world or to make their loved ones happy. To me you sound pretty ignorant if you claim that you can peel back a layer on something as complex as a human mind and then claim to find it empty.

If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you will learn the things you never knew you never knew. Though you seem to feel like you know what you don't know. And I'd consider that a somewhat boring attitude, although I'd be interested in how you came to feel that way.

Roritharr 6 years ago | | |

Start respecting the fact that intellectual development & progress is only one axis on the map that is the human experience.

One can find interest, happiness and satisfaction by pursuing passions where scientific knowledge may only be of slight advantage instead of the absolute focus.

Being a Musicians, touching the emotions of a whole crowd in a live performance is such a passion. Deeply complex, hugely important, some would say powerful, but science will only be a minor help if at all.

If you find other people boring ask yourself why you are too boring to see the ways they aren't.

Sure there are people that are ignorant, one-dimensional etc. but speaking from anecdote, i've yet to meet someone that didn't atleast had one experience that was interesting to listen too.

Life is too complex to disregard people that easily.

patch_collector 6 years ago | | |

Personally, I like to find what people are interested in, and let them talk about that. I tend to learn things that I didn't know before, which is always interesting. For example, yesterday I was sitting by a guy who started talking about watching the British Open. I don't care about golf. At all. Never played, never even watched it on TV. But through chatting with him, I learned that it's technically just 'The Open' (and then we Americans started calling it 'British' to differentiate it from our newer version), that bunkers there tend to be much deeper than in the US (since they're by the ocean, and the strong winds would blow sand out of shallow ones), and a few other things. I found it interesting, even if it's not knowledge I'm likely to use, because he was interested in it.

If you try and peel back a layer of what you think is most important, but they don't care about it at all, you won't find anything worth hearing. There's nothing there, because they've probably never bothered to think about it. So find something that they have bothered to think about, and learn what you can about that.

You do have to avoid judging others, though. If you decide someone's interest has no worth, then it's going to be a boring conversation. It takes either empathy, so you can see the world through other's eyes and understand why they're interested in it, or just having a view that any learning is worthwhile.

koliber 6 years ago | | |

You need to recognize, that just like some people find wine, sports, their kids, or gardening to be an interesting topic of conversation, you find introspection, philosophy, history, and/or literature to be the things that interest you most in discussion.

Is there an objective ranking of those topics? Are some of them universally better or worse?

Some people think so. This causes them to feel disdain for the others who don't share their topics of interest.

Some people are truly awful conversationalists and it is difficult having a flowing conversation with them. I've found that the topic is not the issue. The person's conversation skills are. At times I feel that I am the bad conversationalist, not knowing anything about the finer details of this year's soccer lineup. If I did not try to be interested and engaged in such a conversation, the other person could plausibly find me dull. I get to decide how to proceed and what experience they get to base their judgement on. When I do so, I do sometimes find myself learning a lot about things I knew nothing about, and sometimes pleasantly engaged in a conversation about a topic I would generally consider to be not interesting to me.

ismail 6 years ago | | |

1. Realise, that you are judging people on what is important to you, and not them.

"No reflection, no relevant context, no mirror provided by an intimate knowledge of history or literature ... just nothing." These are things important to you, and it is perfectly fine to make this choice on who to associate with. Realise it is a choice, and this does not mean other values are less "important"

2. Realise, that it is impossible for each person to have complete knowledge. We are limited in what we can know and do. Therefore knowledge is distributed. If knowledge is distributed, every single person could have some gift to provide the world (and you) based on their own unique circumstance and history.

The question then becomes: are you paying attention? and is it relevant?

"The use of knowledge in society" written in 1945, makes a compelling case for the distribution of knowledge in society:

https://www.econlib.org/library/Essays/hykKnw.html

sametmax 6 years ago | | |

I'll take a wild guess and say it's because your intellect is way more developed than your affect. Nothing wrong with that, but life is easier if you learn to use emotions instead of just living them.

It helps with making friends, negotiating, having sex, taking care of your health and overall improves the feeling of well-being. After all, if you perceive the world through mostly logic, it's easy to become cynical or be overwhelmed.

Meditation and psychedelics can help learning that if it's something you wish to invest in. Psychoanalysis as well. They all have different time frames, costs and shapes, so it's worth testing all of them. From several sources, given the huge difference in nature and quality of the providers.

It's a long process anyway, but 10 years in, I found it worth it for myself.

world32 6 years ago | | |

Consider that you might not be as intelligent as you think you are. I'm sure you are aware that there is more than one kind of intelligence right? Although you might have a PhD and be very knowledgeable in many subjects, you sound like you are severely lacking in many other kinds of intelligence. So maybe you are not so different from the "dull" people you speak so poorly of?

ozim 6 years ago | | |

But if there is defect anywhere it is not in them, but in your expectations of what they should be able to do or talk about.

Real life is intensely boring. It is constant grind for everyone, getting food, cleaning, takes most of their time.

I just had to accept it, as it is. Because most people are struggling with getting their life running, not with "boundaries of human knowledge". Then I started accepting my own shortcomings, there is much more daily easy problems to be solved here and now.

Then when you reflect on it, calling it all distasteful is just wrong on so many levels, because when you try to chase "boundaries of human knowledge" you fail at basic understanding of fellow humans.

whiddershins 6 years ago | | |

Hey I’ll respond not using a throwaway.

I feel that way too a lot of the time. When I was younger I was incredibly misanthropic in many aspects of my thinking, and hell ... even though I am less so as I age, there’s a certain realistic cynicism about human motivation that I’ve gained access to that means I actually have a worse picture of people than I did 20 years ago.

All I can say is, first have some empathy for yourself. Stuff is boring. People kinda suck. That realization is not profound and can’t be just willed away.

Second, there may be some aspects of yourself you haven’t developed yet, and if you really engage in developing your own wider potential, you will find commonality with far more people.

No one, no matter how smart, is pure intellect. Wishing all your interactions with people would happen on that level is a bad framework for enjoying people and for a rich human life.

I can think of any number of people who when I first met them I felt I had nothing in common with them, and really just didn’t like them, who became important figures in my life. Seriously.

I think high IQ low IQ or whatever ... any kind of nuerodivergence makes it more of a challenge to relate and empathize with people.

It’s possible to find richness in interaction. People are much less boring than you might think, when you learn how to conduct yourself in such a way that they feel safe talking to you frankly about their experience, their dreams, their passions. People can be ridiculously insightful when you least expect it.

Your challenge is to make people want to talk to you in a real way.

Start by removing the assumption that you are anywhere near as correct or as profound as you quite reasonably think you are. This self picture is an illusion. I don’t care who you are, it is an illusion.

I used to think humility and gratitude were just dumb concepts. You need humility. Not to “bring you down to other people’s level” but to enable psychological health and functioning, and ultimately happiness and connection and to become a more complete person.

codingdave 6 years ago | | |

You can get along with people without liking them. In particular at work, being able to work well and effectively with people you don't like is practically required. And that doesn't mean you have to engage in small talk. Just avoid being actively hostile, and cooperate with them.

I'd also recommend trying to respect that people may disagree with you on what is important. It is quite possible for someone to have examined their life as much as you expect, and have decided that they like religion and consumerism and other things that you dislike. People are different. That doesn't make them less valid as human beings.

You also may want to think about whether people are hiding their true selves from you. It is clear that you judge people for what they tell you. Did it ever occur to you that you may have a reputation for doing that? People may actively avoid opening up to you because of your own attitudes and behaviors. It may be known that conversations with you become mini-trials of their personal values. There is far more depth to most people than they are willing to show to their co-workers, and if you are known for disrespecting that, people will hide their true selves from you.

IvyMike 6 years ago | | |

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.” - Neil Gaiman

naasking 6 years ago | | |

> Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into.

There is overlap between PhD-level conversations and all of these topics. Off the cuff, if someone talks about kids, you can ask about genetics vs. nurture, what sorts of behaviours the parents have seen at what ages/genders, etc. There's a lot of detailed chemistry in wine making and wine pairing. Sports involve complex game theory. Religion has complex social dynamics and interplay with morality and neurology, etc.

The point being, if you can't find overlap with your interests in any conversation topic, you either need to work on your imagination, or you need to let go of the preconception that there are boring topics with no common ground, which inherently limits your engagement in a conversation.

brankoB 6 years ago | | |

The same way they put up with it when you ramble about the things you find interesting. People have different tastes - you might find exploring the limits of human knowledge interesting, while some might find analyzing their favourite sports teams performance interesting.

brokenmachine 6 years ago | | |

>I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a mask of civility and charm when needed, but all I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge.

>Nearly every time I work up the motivation to try to really get to know someone who I think I may have judged too quickly I find religiosity, passive consumerism, an unexamined life, something so distasteful that it takes ages before I can do it again.

Unfortunately in my experience that's mostly true. I'm no bastion of social virtue but I try to give most people a chance.

Usually I'm disappointed but every now and then I get a nice surprise. I've met some people with unique outlooks on life and sometimes that's really refreshing.

I work with a lot of very intelligent people. Most of those are in a different field of expertise than myself, but I find intelligence and a sense of humour really go together.

isoprophlex 6 years ago | | |

Don't you envy people that never overthink things? People that enjoy the sensory experience of slobbering on a glass of wine? Playing sports for the sake of it?

Try empathy. These are humans too. They have their reasons for living their 'distasteful' lives.

I think it's you who's only got one note on their tune, not everyone around you.

If, in traffic, everybody is honking at you, do you think all of them are bad drivers, or could it be you?

admg 6 years ago | | |

People bond/interact over shared experiences. You mention kids, I used to become extremely bored over listening to other peoples stories about their kids. Now that I'm a father myself I don't listen to the story about their kid with any more interest but I understand that they just want to talk about the trial's they may be going through at any particular point.

On passive consumerism, unexamined life... I'd suggest trying to understand who it is you're talking to. Sometimes that will be a fair judgement, othertimes you'll find that people are trying their best to earn for their families, look after others and simply want some luxury to unwind before getting back to whatever takes most of their waking hours. However without knowing who you're talking to thats all speculation.

On a practical level, I would suggest you should surround yourself with like minded people. Either work in academia or aim for companies with a higher bar to enter, that should help.

boohoojangles 6 years ago | | |

> How do people put up with it?

I was a bit like that. Things have happened in my life that made me unable to continue being happy only looking life in one way.

Luckily, I developed hobbies and extra activities that allowed me see how many skills are out there that I can develop and learn from people by just watching and having those simple interactions.

I still like philosophical debates but I find also amazing that some people can influence other people just with smiles and genuine happiness.

Life can be broad too.

pepper_sauce 6 years ago | | |

Have you considered that people reveal different sides of themselves to varying degrees based on context?

Most people have something interesting to say, if they don't share it with you it's either because they're not comfortable with you or not comfortable sharing it in that place. Bob from Accounting isn't going to talk to you about his intricate love of Georgian architecture at the work BBQ.

have_faith 6 years ago | | |

> feigning interest

I used to have a similar attitude to yourself. I have a lot of niche interests that most people I come into contact with have little interest in. I learned that having an interest in building relationships with people not built on interests has a vast amount of value that is not immediately obvious if you are emotionally distant, on the autistic spectrum, ADD or something similar. It wasn't until I purposely and thoughtfully corrected for it in day to day life did I appreciate these other kinds of values that I did not find intuitive to value before.

If you only feign interest, then you are not getting to know someone as they can tell you are not genuinely interested and they will not peel back any layers for you. The fact that the average person doesn't ponder subjects you consider deep does not make them shallow.

kaitai 6 years ago | | |

To find interestingness in others is a skill you can develop. There are things of interest in every topic.

Have you ever really tasted wine, with others? tried to figure out the different components? I had a friend tell me a few days ago that grape tannins and oak tannins are felt in different parts of the mouth (tongue vs cheeks); I'll have to check into this. I know for a fact that I taste wine differently than my husband -- we taste sweetness differently and bitterness differently. Why is that? Can it be quantified? What are the dimensions along which you'd want to get subjective ratings if you wanted to map peoples' tastes? We could have a party and taste a bunch of wines and rate them and then do a singular value decomposition to find similarity between different tasters and between different wines; maybe then we could form a hypothesis, especially if we had some chemical data...

Listen, if you want to get nerdy, you can make anything nerdy. Kids = child development, Chomsky's hypotheses about syntax, the fact that babies' noses are designed to get squashed in when they fall on their faces and then designed to pop out (if your kid's nose doesn't pop out you can gently pull it into shape). Evolution, the microbiome, whatever. Gardening -> mycorrhizae, the game theory or economics of mycorrhizae, pollinators, seed banking, GMOs, edible plants, what is a weed. And there is so much in recent science that is bearing out what "uneducated" but knowledgeable practitioners have been saying for years. Maybe it would help to consider your "boring people" as practitioners of arts that you have not been educated in. Or you can work backward from their actions and thoughts to uncover the assumptions by which they construct their worldview, and then put it into a larger geopolitical context.

Or maybe you're just burned out and tired, and need to recover. Your curiosity antennae are turned off.

Good luck.

patch_cable 6 years ago | | |

No matter how we live our lives, we're ultimately limited in how much we will experience by our natural life spans.

I see every interaction with someone else as an opportunity to peer into another life. A life I didn't live. A path I didn't take. Even if that path feels to you completely pedestrian, there is still a whole life there that you didn't live.

Even if they haven't examined or reflected on their life, you can (with respect, and perhaps best silently to yourself :-) ).

sjg007 6 years ago | | |

You can dive pretty deep into sports: strategy, execution, training, statistics etc...

You can dive pretty deep into kids: educational, behavioral, development etc...

You can dive pretty deep into wine: flavors, style, type, region, economics, science.

You can dive pretty deep into religion, especially if you are interested in the "examined" life. A bunch of philosophers did this, one famous example is Nietzsche.

Make it a challenge to find out one interesting thing about every new person you meet.

michaelmior 6 years ago | | |

> I find religiosity

I find it interesting that you seem to contrast religiosity with your definition of intelligence. In my experience, the two are not inversely correlated.

Disclaimer: I have a PhD in computer science and I am a practicing Christian, so I'm clearly biased here :)

collyw 6 years ago | | |

If you find everyone else around you, I would suggest that perhaps you are the problem.

You really can't find anything in common with someone that you find interesting to talk about?

JustSomeNobody 6 years ago | | |

> How do people put up with it?

When I talk to people like this, I hold back. They get the first layer; everyone does. I can sense the attitude and I give them nothing after that.

It is quite possible that is why you see nothing. Nobody wants to show you more.

paulcole 6 years ago | | |

Are you able to recognize that you are intensely boring? That you’re interested in dull pedestrian things? That when you peel back your own layers, there’s nothing there?

If not, do that first.

You’re no different from everybody else.

Bleiglanz 6 years ago | | |

>>How do people put up with it?

Humor, Modesty and Compassion!

I am a member of Mensa and read ca. 2000 books in the last 30 years. Sometimes I think just like you, although I know it is wrong (and I would never talk about it).

I often meet people who say things like "I find that anyone who isn't a PhD ... might as well be a paper shell." are too shallow and stupid for my taste, and I am one of them. Overconfident, not nearly as clever as they think they are, boring idiots, arrogant. They just think they know, but actually don't know shit about quantum mechanics, general relativity, cohomology, lisp or russian novels and Debussy.

Conclusion: Thinking that other people are stupid, shallow and boring is only allowed if you are a genius - and you aren't. Nobody is. A good life has kids, sports, wine, sex and vodka in it :-)

I prescribe 25 short stories by Chekov and falling in love immediately.

ak39 6 years ago | | |

"I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a mask of civility and charm when needed, but all I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge."

Yikes.

trabant00 6 years ago | | |

First and most importantly: forget the internet and books. And words in general. Find people similar to yourself and observe what works and doesn't work for them.

But since we're already here, what I think worked for me (40y old and it's gotten better with age): be yourself. Yep, that old shit. But the why and how is more important. Being 100% sincere with yourself and others will free you of tedious interactions with people who enjoy things you don't. And when you exaggerate in the PhD direction (because trust me, you do) the sincerity will cause feedback loops that will get the interaction to an equilibrium much faster than if any or both parties are pretending.

nprateem 6 years ago | | |

You should read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Sounds like you could use some.

kkwteh 6 years ago | | |

I do agree that most people are boring if you don't try and figure out what's interesting about them.

Discovering what's interesting about someone is an art. The totality of people you will meet have a much wider variety of experience than you could ever accumulate on your own. When I meet someone new, the first thing I try to find out is what it is they have done that I have not, and then I ask them about that. Often, I learn something new and interesting.

In general, people will never realize on their own what you'll find interesting about them, so you have to seek it out actively.

blablablerg 6 years ago | | |

Dude really.. small talk and day-to-day communication is more about connecting than the subject itself.

wolco 6 years ago | | |

It sounds like every conversation has to be a learning event for you and the average person isn't interesting enough.

You need to learn how to entertain yourself and start seeing more complexity.

lorepieri 6 years ago | | |

I understand perfectly what you mean. Contrary to other comments, I think that this can be ok, you should spend the majority of your time with folks that you find interesting. Not easy, and indeed I'm working on something to make this simpler. Feel free to reach me for a chat. My Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lorenzo-pieri-a638b9a6/

samhh 6 years ago | | |

I began working from home and essentially opted out of it.

I feel more and more like Larry David in Curb every day.

morphle 6 years ago | | |

I tend to want to teach these people, point them to books and knowledge so they can learn and be less shallow. That is a sure way to piss almost all of them off (unless they become your students), which rarely happens.

Alan Kay describes and analyses why the majority of humanity act like you describe in many of his lectures. He answers and explains most of your points. Its hard to recommend these talks, the good bits are spread around 50 lectures. I'll be happy to discuss with you which bits you'll like. A first suggestion is [1][2].

>I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge.

I love to talk to such people also, so I search for them in the (scientific) crowd and befriend them so we can have those interesting conversations. Please contact me (morphle @ ziggo dot nl) and lets find out if we can have such a meaningful and satisfying exchange.

[1] http://esug.org/data/Videos/Alan%20Kay/StateFarm-Kay-2009-10... [2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9c7_8Gp7gI

jpwgarrison 6 years ago | | |

> It's like you try to peel back a single layer of why people believe what they believe and there's nothing there.

I'd like you to consider that something in your manner of "peeling back" is causing people to block you out

If I get the impression someone has pre-judged me or is generally disagreeable, I don't feed the bear. I just don't care what they think and if looking dumb gets me out of that conversation quickly that is fine by me.

mncharity 6 years ago | | |

If anyone is having difficulty empathizing with the parent's perspective, perhaps reflect on how often you've heard people dismiss infants and young children with something like vaguely like "all they do is sleep, eat and poop". They're "not interesting". You "can't have a conversation with them". It's like there's a lack of background knowledge or observational skills or available attention or interest or systems skills or something or something else, to perceive someone's awesome cognitive and emotional life struggle to fruitfully engage with the world, and the associated opportunities to learn from them and maybe help out a bit.

Or alternately, perhaps there is some sense in which that "not interesting" reflects a useful metric, and perhaps some folks might then find it useful to apply to one's self? ;) And such application might be mutual, or transient, or topical, or situational, or ... any of the many things that throttle the attention and empathy of people and groups, unavoidably or otherwise.

mikkelam 6 years ago | | |

Why not just avoid these people altogether? If it makes you more happy to be around PhD's, find a setting where there's a bunch of them.

profalseidol 6 years ago | | |

Might be a good idea to find a place with lots of PhD folks.

I think I know what you mean since I prefer to talk to friends who are genuinely interested in programming and not just a job. Colleagues who are just here for the job I still talk to them but with other topics which I usually learn from as well - as long as you are willing to listen despite what you may think of them.

shoes_for_thee 6 years ago | | |

It's less about sharing their interest in those things -- sports, wine, kids -- and more about being interested in the person:

"why did you find yourself interested in wine?" "what was it like having kids?"

etc. learning to ask very open-ended questions is really helpful here. you don't need to have knowledge of their interests to share in their interests.

ryeguy_24 6 years ago | | |

Sounds like you assign value to people who are pushing on the boundaries of human knowledge and/or have a PhD. That’s fine but many other people have many other ways of valuing people and relationships (for example people who value helping people). My wife doesn’t have a PhD nor has she made any groundbreaking leaps forward in human knowledge but my interest in her and the immense value I place on her in my life is something that cannot be quantified. And separately, there are some amazing PhDs out there but I’ve also met tons of PhD that weren’t anything close to impressive. And conversely, have met some people in my industry that could run intellectual circles around other PhDs (seriously).

I think you may get more out of life with a more open mindset. Things may surprise you. That being said, you value what you value, we don’t have to like it or agree with it.

EGreg 6 years ago | | |

This is one way: by having an active goal for listening

https://www.holstee.com/blogs/reflections/being-interested-i...

Try to explore a person like you’d explore another world. Consider that this person had just as much time as you in the day, and they filled it up with other stuff. Why did they choose to focus on X, what do they find so appealing about X, what nuances or locations do you not know but they have intimately experienced?

Adult people, after all, did a lot in their life. Why not get new perspectives?

It also seems you don’t do a lot of physical activity, sports, or developing yourself in that way. You may motivate yourself by looking up to people in an area you truly would like to improve in.

“We are all idiots, just on different subjects” - who was that?

brailsafe 6 years ago | | |

Get off your own pedastal and take others off the imaginary pedastal you've put them on. Everyone is a pedestrian. Everyone can only ever be a person with human interests and the same limits of human capabilities. I realized this about others early on, but it takes a real moment of reflection to realize this yourself. Being conceited is not an admirable quality. I've very much been there, I know this, but don't remember what it's like. I do remember, that it's a tool. It's a tool and a copout for understanding the human context that you're in and being vulnerable.

In addition, if you haven't found what makes someone interesting or can't conceive of it, you haven't looked past the outermost level. Once I started sitting down with people, setting my ego aside, and listening to what they're interested in, I was way happier and realized that the small world I placed myself in—this artificial bubble of grandeur—was kind of depressing, and pure intellectual pursuits alone aren't enough to live a fullfilling life. You have to find balance.

I trade long diatribes about urban development with meandering tales from the theater industry or discover the background I didn't know existed in the colleage that I've been working with. I'll concede that in a vast, vast minority of cases I can't find a thread to go deeper on. It's usually because they've put up a wall for some reason or another, or their current set of pursuits or passions or romances is just pretty vanilla, and that's okay. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but you gotta explore the human connection. If I didn't take this approach, I would have written off everyone in my life, including one specific developer I know who had a very similar attitude. Through time, I found the value in those people and it's super rewarding to me that they remember my name after a year being gone from a relatively new city. We're just people passing through this world, and everyone has something different and interesting about them... if you let your gaurd down.

jdance 6 years ago | | |

People want to make social stuff work. It doesnt work, its founded on a crazy foundation of playing a role and escaping who we really are. Real passion in PhD like stuff can pierce such roleplay, which is why it is stimulating. There are other things and contexts where this is possible, but in regular society it is rare. Take responsibility for that you have different needs then most people and find these contexts. For me its a couple of close friends, some zen meditation circles, some carefully selected coworkers in my own business, hacker news sometimes. The world really is asleep, mostly :) Nothing wrong with that per se, but yeah its very very boring to converse with, and it has taken me a long time to find a comfortable place in it.

VvR-Ox 6 years ago | | |

You sound like the typical "science guy" who thinks he is the smartest person on earth because: PhD.

Of course all others are "below you" but you know what?

THIS is your blind spot (let this be told to you by people who understand humans much better than you ever will). In science I've seen a lot guys who think like this and the most of them struggle hard to organize their own life.

If you'd be less arrogant you'd see how interesting and fun live can be and how people you now consider "waste of oxygen" might surprise you again and again with their skills and points of view.

I deeply wish that you can overcome this and be happy in your life some day.

ddayday 6 years ago | | |

I can relate in a sense but I remind myself often that I should be very grateful that the legacy of the enlightenment period meant there was a greater chance I would live a fulfilling life with a good education. I'm grateful to the people who worked to share knowledge and education through the intervening centuries. I'm grateful those people didn't think of those less fortunate to be paper shells not worthy of their time.

If I'm not trying to live up to that standard, at least in how I treat others, or if I'm unable to learn a lesson about peoples potential from that, then I am probably not seeing the bigger picture.

tdb7893 6 years ago | | |

It sounds like you have a very narrow set of interests and are calling other people boring for not having the same interests. You either need to broaden your interests, which sounds unlikely to me, or just accept the fact that you'll never be that personable and this advice isn't for you.

Edit: I find people generally interesting so it's easier for me to find specific people interesting. If you dig a layer deeper and try to figure out why people have that religiosity or consumerism it can be fascinating.

131012 6 years ago | | |

I'll use another angle: If people are paper shells, remember that somebody (in fact, a lot of people) has written on it. Generic human psyche can be rather simple (monkeys with smartphones), but the structures we collectively impose on this material are fascinating.

Next time you find someone boring, try to understand what made them this way. And I swear the answers is more complex than "it's capitalism/neoliberalism/consumerism/religion/whateverisyourfavoriteevil, stupid!"

pulkitsh1234 6 years ago | | |

I had a similar line of thought, but reading about Introspection Illusion (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introspection_illusion), really opened my eyes. It was not others who were uninteresting but it was me who felt that how others think is somewhat "inferior" (unless they are interested in topics that I like).

pier25 6 years ago | | |

> It's like you try to peel back a single layer of why people believe what they believe and there's nothing there.

There has to be something even if it is a primal behavior motivated by survival and reproduction.

Anyway, the vast majority of people care about something. Maybe you can sympathize with that if not with their lack of reflection, imagination, and eloquence.

tuesday20 6 years ago | | |

While I don’t find people boring, there are certain topics that I’d rather stay away from.

For example : In my team of 6, I am the only one who isn’t married and who doesn’t have kids. The other people almost always talk about their kids, show photos, brag about their achievements - after a while, fatigue sets in. Maybe because I can’t relate? I don’t know.

ryanmercer 6 years ago | | |

>I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell

Wow, so wasting years and years of your life studying texts and churning out reworded content about those texts, instead of having life experiences makes someone more interesting to you?

jccalhoun 6 years ago | | |

I hate kids and I hate talking about sports. I don't know anything about wine. So I let them talk for a bit and then change the subject. I find something that we can talk about that we are both interested in. If all they want to talk about is kids or sports then get better friends.

arvinsim 6 years ago | | |

No matter who much highly one thinks of one self, there will always be some knowledge, experience or perspective that they lack. That's part of being finite and human.

I always view meeting new people as opportunities to think outside of my own worldview.

One doesn't have to accept or agree to other viewpoints.

kamaal 6 years ago | | |

>>How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud?

Simple. You don't. People like frauds. Even though they fall victims over and over again, they just can't help but like them. You are doing nothing wrong in being what they like you to be.

goostavos 6 years ago | | |

Have you tried hanging out with the people on /r/iamverysmart? During your downtime, I'd also recommend this show called Rick and Morty. It can only truly be enjoyed by someone with a deep grasp of the boundaries of human knowledge on all subjects.

eight_ender 6 years ago |

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with.

You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud.

The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that people tend to be quick to disagree but remain silent even when they agree with someones opinion.

Specifically calling out when you agree with an idea has some marvellous effects. The silent ones who also agree join in, people who disagree join the fray, and a rough consensus can be reached quickly.

technofiend 6 years ago |

I hate to admit it but one of my bosses taught me that building consensus is a double edged sword and it can be used as weapon. Up until working with him I naively assumed we could all get in a room, hash out our technical differences and agree to a solution.

That only works when everyone is (from your perspective) not a bad actor. But how do you deal with an Executive Director who will bald-faced lie and say whatever he needs to say to ensure his deadlines are met and your needs are completely ignored?

My boss taught me how to pin that ED down and get what I need by documenting everything to exhaustion but also by building consensus around the bad actor so his peers were on board with forcing him to comply. I hope to never find myself in that situation again.

acconrad 6 years ago |

Not everyone responds the same. I hated when people would use fluffy language: "would it be okay if you could do X?" Dammit...just tell me to do X. I know you're not really asking me you're just trying to be nice for something that has to be done.

Well... turns out just because I like to hear feedback or orders directly, doesn't mean everyone else does. Part of why your manager treads carefully is because they have to try and create a shared language across your whole team (and really good managers know how to talk to each of their directs because they know exactly what kind of tone is effective for each of them).

Not everyone is the same. Understand that everyone likes to be treated well, but the way you do that is different. Empathy is an extremely underrated skill to have.

ajxs 6 years ago |

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Within two hours I was called into a senior manager's office to be reprimanded for discussing this matter publicly. In retrospect I can see the warning signs exhibited by this employee that I had ignored, and I now see that I should have kept this to myself, however I worked very closely with this employee and felt that this employee would keep what I had told them in confidence. After this incident I saw many other examples of how duplicitous this particularly employee could be when they felt threatened by the ability of others. Ultimately I was not disciplined, but I learned a valuable lesson in the process. For anyone wondering why this was an issue in the first place: It's generally a policy to keep pay and pay negotiations confidential. Employers fear the friction that can result if an employee discovers that they're being underpaid.

JamesBarney 6 years ago |

How to manage expectations.

That communication is incredibly important.

That the higher up the org chart someone is the busier they are. So what you spend 40 hours a week thinking about they might not spend 45 minutes thinking about. So over-communicate and remind them of important information about the project. Because they will forget lots of important details, and things that are glaringly obvious to you won't even show up on their radar.

How to sell.

archon 6 years ago | |

> Because they will forget lots of important details, and things that are glaringly obvious to you won't even show up on their radar.

Something related that I wish I had learned much earlier: Just because that person forgets the details doesn't mean they don't care or that they're just stupid. Expecting someone several levels removed from day-to-day development to remember the exact structure of that table or how exactly we do dependency injection makes me the unreasonable one.

shostack 6 years ago | |

In some cases, it is more important to distill vs. over-communicate. Senior leaders are reliant on you to sweat the details. Finding out what is important to them can be an art form--or a simple conversation sometimes.

metaphor 6 years ago | |

> That the higher up the org chart someone is the busier they are. So what you spend 40 hours a week thinking about they might not spend 45 minutes thinking about.

Respectfully, that's a proverbial crock of trite bullshit perpetuated to game the naive/inexperienced.

If the next level above me couldn't spend at least 45 minutes thinking about the general problem I've been trying to solve in the past week, then that person:

a.) is stretched way too thin (which should be pretty obvious); or

b.) seriously needs to GTFO for the sake of the rest of the team.

P.S. As a de facto (not even official) technical lead on a US$3mil+ project that I've been assigned to, I spend at least 45 minutes a week sitting on a toilet bowl thinking of ways to improve the performance of my team while literally taking a shit. What's your project manager's excuse?

maroonblazer 6 years ago |

The Four Agreements[0] is one of the best "user manuals" for how one should live life, both work and personal:

-Be impeccable with your word.

-Don't take anything personally.

-Don't make assumptions.

-Always do your best.

[0]https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements

Ididntdothis 6 years ago | |

I liked this too. Also the sentence "You are entitled to your actions but not the results" from the Bhagavad Gita helps me.

lammalamma25 6 years ago |

Not that far into my career, but this one really burned me. Understanding what people's unstated motivations are is really important IMO. I spent a job working tirelessly at something that I valued a lot, but others didn't seem to care too much about. After a bit of time, I realized that most people were looking at the work from how it hurt/benefited them based on a specific (but not widely publicized) bonus structure. People's actions started to make a lot more sense when I looked at them through this lens. I was still able to do the type of work that I valued, but fitting it into other people's frameworks of what is important made a huge difference.

bitcoinmoney 6 years ago | |

This is very generic. You need to elaborate.

tomxor 6 years ago |

This is going to sound absurdly simple: empathise more often.

Everyone can do it, but not everyone does it. If you make an effort to actually imagine yourself in others shoes, your boss and your colleagues, and then feel it... Do this especially whenever any negative emotions or uncertainty appear in response to a colleagues actions or words.

I think all of the so called "people skills" are just side effects by comparison. If you empathise, it's genuine, and so called people-skills will emerge naturally. This also goes beyond the mere appearance of people skills, because it will make you better understand the needs behind the demands of others, and make it more likely they take the effort to understand yours when they see you understand theirs (subconsciously).

Like I said, as a premise, it's absurdly simple, but in practice it's a big deal.

Clubber 6 years ago |

Don't be an asshole. I can't stress this one enough. I don't care how smart you are, if you are an asshole, your career is not gonna work out.

Try really hard not to be negative, even when there is reason to be. Try not to be openly negative about the company or a particular employee. It's poison for you and your teammates and makes you feel worse.

Don't get defensive when someone makes suggestions to your code (I still battle this).

Don't base your self worth by other people's compliments. They're nice, but the company complements you every time they cut you a check.

When someone does compliment you, the best reaction is a simple, "Thanks!"

The people you work with are called colleagues, not friends. Sometimes it can hop over, but don't divulge personal information to a colleague that should only be shared amongst friends.

Keep your behavior professional, even if the company's culture isn't so much. Also, never get drunk at company parties.

unoti 6 years ago |

1. “Shooting from the hip” or saying exactly what’s on your mind isn’t always a virtue.

1b. Seize every opportunity to give an honest compliment

2. Look for a way for everyone to win.

3. Build people up and help them succeed.

4. Pick your battles, and only engage in conflict when it’s truly important.

5. You may get upset, but the character you play doesn’t.

6. It only takes a moment to make a good impression but it can take years to overcome a bad impression.

Books:

- Influence by Caldini

- growth mindset

- How to win friends and influence people

- the war of art

- 48 laws of power

- 50 rules for aging

- the like switch

- what every BODY is saying (book on reading body language)

- the prince (Machiavelli)

- art of war (if you only get one idea from this book, it’s that the great general wins without fighting a single battle)

randcraw 6 years ago |

People are 100X more sensitive to negativity than positivity. So if you feel the need to say something negative, either wait for someone else to say it so you can laugh and agree, or say nothing at all.

Likewise, offer your opinion as little as possible unless it's positive or you've been explicitly asked for criticism. And even then describe how the thing could be improved, not how it sucked or how much.

spodek 6 years ago |

After my PhD in physics, I learned starting a company that I needed such skills and devoted myself to learning them.

Now I teach the social and emotional skills underlying leadership, entrepreneurship, and initiative at NYU (student reviews: http://joshuaspodek.com/this-is-one-of-the-greatest-classes-... and videos of them describing the courses: http://joshuaspodek.com/nyu-students-speak-joshua-spodeks).

I made book versions of the courses. Amazon makes the first chapters of each available free, which goes into more detail on what I learned and its value:

Leadership Step by Step: https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-Others/...

Initiative: https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-Passio...

blablablerg 6 years ago | |

Cool! Will check out.

spodek 6 years ago | | |

Let me know if you have any questions.

cloogshicer 6 years ago |

For everyone here recommending "How to win friends and influence people" (HWIP), I'd like to offer a counter point and recommend "The Art of Loving", by Erich Fromm.

The basic idea is that love and affection are not just feelings, but actual skills that need to be learned and cultivated.

It also introduces the distinction between being lovable and being loving.

HWIP largely teaches how to make yourself lovable, whereas the Art of Loving teaches the theory behind actively loving and embracing other people. I think it's a vital skill to have in any area of life, including business.

gHosts 6 years ago |

1. Remember the person you are talking to does not have the same things in their head, and they are not looking at (or seeing) the same things you are....

So no matter how much you disagree with them, from their perspective it makes sense and is ethically correct.

2. Most people are in perfect agreement on most things eg. Motherhood and Apple Pie are Good Things.

Most conflict arises from differing priorities being assigned to various "Good" things.

3. There are precisely two things and ONLY two things you can change in this world.

What you do and how you react.

No matter how important it is, those are the only two things you can change.

0xB0D 6 years ago |

Being nicer to people. Earlier in my career I was too competitive with other people in team's I worked in. Trying to do all the work, exclude others. It was a function of insecurity maybe.

I've learned, you need to uphold your teammates, make friends and allies.

Lonewolf teams are only ever as productive as one person. Large companies, Intel, Google, want you to act as a multiplier, not an asshole. After all they are paying everybody, not just you. If you are perceived as individually great but rotten in a team, you are simply perceived as rotten in a team.

Learn to make your team and everybody in it look good and you will see your greatest successes.

noname_jabroni 6 years ago |

We were born with 2 ears and 1 mouth - listen more than you speak... I found that this drives all other areas of interpersonal interaction: you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them... sometimes people just want to be heard above all else

Honestly and simplicity are the best policy. Don't bs, don't overpromise, own up to your failure, and follow-through on the things you say you'll do (and it will be easy to do this if you are honest about what you can / can't do)

Favorite book: 7 Habits of Highly Successful People; the title sounds like a business book but it's really about how to be a better person / friend / parent / colleague / etc

ravenstine 6 years ago | |

> you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them.

To extend upon that, I think listening is important in order to understand what people actually mean by what they say. Just because what they are saying is imperfect doesn't mean that the actual point they are trying to get across is invalid. I've noticed that people spend effort coming up with the next response that they only bother to argue against the surface of what the other person is saying without taking into account the actual substance and intent.

mparkola 6 years ago | | |

I think this perspective/skill is extremely powerful. It is also extremely hard.

I try to repeat to myself "find something to agree with" whenever I encounter a difficult situation. Sometimes I succeed.

Other questions I found useful are:

"In what circumstances does that make sense?" "What part of that might be useful?"

This is also a step in the "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" as described in the Feeling Good podcast.

1PlayerOne 6 years ago | |

Your sentiment was codified a long time ago in a book[1]

Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

[1] https://ctext.org/art-of-war/attack-by-stratagem

mparkola 6 years ago | |

I love the 7 habits. I aspire to implement them as a basic OS for everything I do.

analog31 6 years ago |

An old saying among musicians: "Be careful how you treat people on your way up, because you'll meet them again on your way down."

Compliment other people and good ideas.

I've become conscious about things like mansplaining and talking over people.

Don't let technology get in the way of human interaction.

When you do something offensive (it happens, even if rarely), apologize.

criddell 6 years ago | |

> An old saying among musicians: "Be careful how you treat people on your way up, because you'll meet them again on your way down."

Speaking of musicians, I wish I had learned to play music. Every place I've worked there have been some very talented musicians working there and I wish I had the skills to play with them.

I currently keep an electric guitar in my office and picking it up and playing (unamplified) is a great way to break my concentration when I'm stuck on a problem. I still can't really play though...

asdfman123 6 years ago | | |

It's not hard to get good at an instrument, but how you practice is the difference between accelerating skill and perpetual struggle.

Don't "noodle around" as a beginner, because practice makes permanent and good form is everything.

Do you want to be actually good and not just okay? Take weekly lessons, follow online tutorials carefully, and practice at least 30-45 minutes 6 days a week, giving it an absolute laser-like focus. (More practice is always better, and preferably in singular sessions, but that's the minimum and it's enough to make progress.) Focus on fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. Treat good form like religious gospel and don't deviate from it, even if it's easier that way.

And since you already have played for a while, you're going to have to spend the first few months of practice painstaking unlearning the bad habits you've undoubtedly collected, which is not enjoyable because it will feel like you're moving backwards.

Do that for a year and people will compliment you on how much better you've gotten. After 3 years you'll be good enough for any semi-decent cover band in town. In 5-10 you'll be better than 95-99% of people who own a guitar and know how to make sounds on it.

tl;dr: it's totally possible to be good at an instrument, but it takes discipline and you have to be very intentional about it.

exabrial 6 years ago |

For the life of me, one thing I struggle with is pointing out issues that a non-technical person is causing. I think for the most part, engineers and the like are used to having their work critiqued and it's not a big deal to receive that sort of feedback; so being direct is the most efficient and frictionless path.

I continuously struggle with how to present that to a non-technical person. Being direct almost always invokes a self-defense response, usually redirecting towards a [legit] inadequacy of the speaker (which is fine, that needs to be received). But for the problem at hand, it is neither helpful nor my intention: I was trying to solve a problem in the best interest of everyone. It seems the response of most technical people in this situation is to just avoid it all together.

asdfman123 6 years ago | |

If you can find an answer to that that works you'll double the success rate of software projects.

Some stakeholders and managers don't understand software, the importance of clean code, and how insidious feature creep can be. They are used to a world where strict deadlines are necessary to keep people accountable.

There's no changing people like that. There's only choosing your battles and doing your best to (politely) contain them.

snarf21 6 years ago | |

That is surely a challenge. It seems similar to the structure of how do you convince someone their position on a topic is mis-informed (not that they are wrong). Most things I've seen and read are usually focused on getting that person to explain it to you. You ask leading questions and see if they can get to a logical inconsistency thereby changing their own mind. I don't know what "issues" you are referencing but if it is a Product Manager, for example, you could try an approach of referencing external best practices. "Facebook released a template for how to perform and present market research for a new product. This was super cool. Is this something we could do for our products?"

Dowwie 6 years ago |

Intertemporal decision making is really challenging. Future outcomes are undervalued relative to immediate ones. Further, we look to the future with rose-colored glasses that let us see a possible, yet unlikely future that we half-heartedly commit to today, without considering the reality that circumstances and motivations evolve over time and will influence future events from ever happening.

See the book,"The Economics of Self-Destructive Choices": https://www.amazon.com/Economics-Self-Destructive-Advances-J...

Research keywords: "intertemporal discounting"

manasgarg 6 years ago |

Accepting people as they are. I haven’t found anything more powerful when it comes to interacting with people. I worked my way through personality types, influence, negotiations and a bunch of other so called soft skills.

Wholehearted acceptance of people; their motivations and fears; their habits and aspirations. When I am able to exercise this superpower (which does not happen often), I am able to open them up and change their trajectory. And in process, I myself learn and grow.

asdfman123 6 years ago | |

Man, that feels so true to me. If someone shows me that level of genuine kindness I'll go to the ends of the earth to help them. I'll give them my full, unwavering support.

I find often when I've been difficult and uncooperative it's because people have been not quite so accepting.

I guess I've typically felt like the "weird kid" (as many of us technical people have growing up) and if you make me feel like that again I really, really don't like it.

WheelsAtLarge 6 years ago |

Minimize the amount of comflict at work by not holding grudges. You won't get a long with every one but that does not mean you have to add to the conflict by constantly bickering with the co-workers you don't get along with. Call a truce and focus on work rather than conflict.

Also get to know your boss' boss. Make sure they understand your value to the company. Don't be afraid of them.

Lastly we all fall into groups and many times it's a battle between dept a and dept b which is useless. Get to know people outside the group you identify with.

johnny313 6 years ago |

No one is thinking about you as much as you are. At the end of the day, people are reacting to their own feelings, values, and ideas as much or more as they are to anything you said. Taking yourself out of the debate - no matter how personal it feels - is always a good first step.

jdavis703 6 years ago | |

I had to read this twice. But just to confirm what you mean: We should take our personal feelings out of a debate -- but surely we must still remain in the debate?

cannonedhamster 6 years ago | | |

If you're debating you've already lost the debate. The effective way to win a debate is not to have one. You either convince the other person the idea was theirs, which is easier than it sounds, or you get them to argue your point for you at which point it is their idea. Learning how to do this takes effort and a willingness to realize how little one truly knows about the art of effective speaking. You'll also begin to recognize when other people are manipulating you using this method. A really quick trick for this method is to start a conversation with something the person said and then say that what they said gave you your idea. Very few people won't take the compliment, you'll immediately validate their who ego and intelligence, and they'll immediately feel like you owe than something which means they'll want to be around you more. A good book as a primer for this is Influence by Cialdini.

Here's the kicker it even works when the person knows you're doing it. So it was good you brought this idea up, it allowed us to have a really good conversation about it and explore it more fully.

whiddershins 6 years ago | | |

IMO debating is massively overrated. It really only works well in certain cases and the rest of the time it just makes everyone really frustrated.

munchbunny 6 years ago | | |

That might be what the parent poster meant, but I think you should consider the opposite as well: debating is itself the source of the personal feelings. People will generally remember the fact that you debated (almost-argued) more than they will remember your arguments. If you want to keep someone open to what you have to say, debating is one of the more counterproductive things you can do.

Instead, if your goal is persuasion, you should remember that, regardless of how we want the world to work, persuasion in practice is as emotional as it is intellectual.

The thing that never happens when real ideas are at stake is that someone manages to deliver an argument so devastating that the other side reconsiders. I've never seen it happen. What I have seen all the time is gradually shifting someone's thinking until they eventually come around.

issa 6 years ago |

The hardest lesson for me is that, especially at large companies, things don't happen for good reasons. Meaning if you are used to the world making sense, you're in trouble. One example that jumps to mind is the flak I took for deciding to change my team from subversion to git. It sounds crazy even typing that!

austincheney 6 years ago |

I wish I had learned to call out frauds early on. There are those occasional few developers in the corporate world that are hired but can not write any code. They spend most of the day being social and generally delightful but contribute nothing to the work. They are frustrating in meetings when they inject uninformed opinions in order to justify their existence, to themselves mostly, as thought leaders.

I also wished I had learned to be assertive to sensitive people. In the military world honesty is king. If you hold on to sensitivity in conflict to honesty you absolutely will not advance. In the corporate world kindness is far more important, even if that means lying to people. This is sometimes understandable in purely social contexts, but not in product or engineering discussions. Bad ideas are bad ideas. I wish I learned to take the kid gloves off and simply be more honest about really bad decisions in the corporate world instead of being tacit or accepting. It’s hard when you really want to be a team player but some people’s number one priority is face-saving behavior and find disagreements grotesquely disgusting.

closeparen 6 years ago |

Maybe not skills, but habits:

- Give glowing, public praise to the work and behavior I want to see more of, rather than complain about what I want to see less.

- Perform the necessary rituals with a smile, and not reveal any worry about their lack of purpose / fitness for purpose.

- Use videoconferencing only for presentations, never for substantial interactive discussion. (Travel, make the decision locally, or write documents).

- Be away from my desk when I cannot tolerate interruption, rather than risk a curt or dismissive response to a tap on the shoulder.

- Do not mention small problems to people who overreact (but do mention big problems when you need airstrikes).

elevenoh 6 years ago | |

>- Perform the necessary rituals with a smile, and not reveal any worry about their lack of purpose / fitness for purpose.

This as a habit explains a lot of unsavoury corporate behaviour. ;)

lapnitnelav 6 years ago | |

The airstrike one is brilliant.

(I may have been a B52 pilot in the past, indiscriminately bombing left and right)

01100011 6 years ago |

I wish I could figure out how to evaluate a team while being interviewed. Signing up with a bad team has proven to be a costly mistake.

mparkola 6 years ago | |

Not sure if it's possible during an interview (the same way typical interviews suck at predicting the job performance of the employee) but I heard someone suggest using the question "What is something that could only happen on this team?"

hessp 6 years ago |

- How to understand people and present ideas and opinions to them in a manner that they will respond to positively. Or judge how they will respond to an idea and make an informed decision about whether to present it based on your judgement of both the person and situation.

- Understanding that emotions drive people often much more than logic. And that many people already know this and temper their communication based on the emotions it will provoke. And that participants in a conversation can know this about others and infer more than what is said by them.

The first time I was able to read into a conversation between a few others and see that their (apparently irrational) discussion was really a different form of communication built on top of theory of mind was mindblowing for me.

- The corollary of the above is learning how to use a sense of people / theory of mind to more effectively disagree. Either focusing on not creating a barrier when disagreeing. Or focusing on effectively convincing the other party based on pathos in addition to logos.

I found the following most helpful while learning this:

1. Podcast: Career Tools / Manager Tools.

2. Book: "Secrets to Winning at Office Politics: How to Achieve Your Goals and Increase Your Influence at Work" - Note, she quickly redefines 'winning' as 'benefiting both yourself and the organization'. I thought it sounded slimy at first before I read that.

jdavis703 6 years ago |

I was homeschooled from grades K-12 (for those outside the U.S. essentially from age 5 to 18) which in and of itself leads to poorly developed social skills.

But I also have ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD is poor impulse control and rejection sensitivity which leads to issues with "emotional intelligence." So I would advise anyone, if you suspect you may have adult ADD, talk to a physciatrist and figure it out. Fixing underlying mental health problems will improve your professional and personal life!

sprior 6 years ago |

Never never never ask someone at work when she's due unless she mentions it first, I don't care if she looks like she's about to deliver a basketball.

C1sc0cat 6 years ago | |

-) I recall working out my boss was pregnant before she had told anyone (Some women have a distinct change in gait when pregnant)

I didn't mention it as I knew she had had a miscarriage and dint want to risk saying something and then her lose the baby.

cbanek 6 years ago | |

I'm having trouble remembering the quote, but it was something like: "Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see a baby is coming out of her right then."

quacked 6 years ago | | |

I believe that's Dave Barry.

“You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.”

the_resistence 6 years ago |

Cut toxic people out of your life asap. they can't be fixed or reasoned with. Avoid like the plague.

anonymous5133 6 years ago | |

second this one

tony 6 years ago |

There's lots of freedom and flexibility in things that are okay:

- Being trustworthy and getting along with workmates is sometimes more valuable than being a favorite / teacher's pet to a manager. You ideally want to be amicable with both.

- Say nice things about your colleagues when they accomplish things

- It's okay during interviews to ask for time to show and tell projects, talk about your experiences. There's no rule written in stone to follow their format to the point you can't showcase strengths directly related to the job description.

Things that you can do that don't help you always:

- Being proactive: Taking responsibility for preventative things when not asked to. I fixed / averted many headaches that have gone totally unacknowledged over the past decade+. Here's the thing: I'd feel dishonest / unprofessional to not be proactive if something is breaking CI loops, typings, etc. It's hard for colleagues / managers to see the value until you wait for it to be a blocker.

This is frustrating to me, because I haven't found the solution to reasoning about it. I don't like the idea of waiting for a problem to rear it's head and all developers are blocked by a problem.

Things to not do:

- Don't bring up any political discussion with colleagues, including outside work. No matter how moderate, harmless you think your viewpoint is. It can only do damage to you, never help.

- Even in unfair situations, e.g. it's untenable and you need to end the relationship, to take the route to ending it amicably as possible. Say you're moving to the next place.

Whenever in doubt / under stress: default to being professional as possible.

tehlike 6 years ago |

- get to know your bosses boss, and develop relationships. Your boss might eventually hit his limits, or might get in the way, but one way to resolve is having that connection.

- if your bosses boss doesnt understand/know of how to resolve a conflict that is making a fleet of people unhappy, and they are backing the person causing the conflict (in my case, a person that takes credit for everything everyone did by frontrunning their work to them), just leave. Dont wait too long, it doesnt get better.

- your career is important, and make it align with your boss'. If you do, he'll back you up. If he feels threatened, he will wear you down. If your boss is not a competent person, this is the only way to survival in such an org.

- you cant usually change people, the ones that are willing to admit their mistakes and want to improve wilk usually be very obvious. Lean on them, learn from them. Run away from the ones that wont ever change.

- things usually dont get better, be careful, learn to move on.

raxxorrax 6 years ago |

Being skilled or competent at something doesn't necessarily make you popular. One of the most important lessons I believe.

Aside from picking my battles, I am just myself. Never read a book about it and I am pretty skeptical about them in general. We have several psychologists, mostly training sales people, but I wouldn't say most of them are very proficient in being "people persons", only for people that fail to notice a lack of authenticity. That is a self reported assessment by themselves.

We connect some arbitrary skills for being in a leadership position. In an American culture a leader has to be confident and that fact is pretty much treated as a dogma. But how can you have respect for anyone that dances like a monkey may be a question that comes up in other cultures.

It seems to be often just about your character traits being fashionable. Many people can read a person after a while, so disguising your character won't always help you anyway.

watwut 6 years ago |

1.) Assert yourself more against peers. A lot of advice around is a lot about how to be pleasant (listen, admit mistake, cooperate).

There is very little advice on what to do when you have not done mistake but someone is still trying to convince you or others so. Or when difference of opinion is casted as your mistake. How to recognize that situation.

2.) How to recognize when people bluff and pretend knowledge they don't have.

3.) How to promote yourself without becoming asshole. Again, I read all that be humble advice and it fired back.

4.) All in all, I would like to have more realistic advice about communication and not the overly naive "be humble, nice and admit mistakes and everything will be rosy".

5.) Right now, I would like to know how to deal with manipulative sociapath/narcissist.

cannonedhamster 6 years ago |

Learning to effectively communicate with others is the single most important skill you can learn. It will help you improve your relationships with others, clearly communicate your own ideas, and address areas for improvement in ideas and others in a way that is constructive. There's been quite a few great books on this thread already. Here's some I haven't seen.

* The Ultimate Sales Machine - Chet Holmes - good even if you're not in sales

* The Effective Executive - Peter Drucker - Great book overall

* The Phoenix Project - good for understanding project flows and silos.

* Thinking in Systems - good for how to set up processes so that even if you step away the job still gets done. Essential for getting promoted, no one can promote you if you're impossible to replace.

dtertman 6 years ago |

That it is very important to communicate the strength of an opinion, and moreso the higher up in an organization you go.

If you say everything like a Gospel truth, even when you're just brainstorming, the two end-states I've found are constant argument or constant acquiescence, and neither one is healthy for collaboration.

Conversely, if you always hedge your opinions, even ones that are against your moral code, you may end up unhappy, doing some unsavory stuff, etc.

A book that goes through this in detail is "Opening Doors To Teamwork and Collaboration". They have a very jargon-heavy approach to it ("notion", "stake", "boulder", "tombstone"), which I don't agree with, but the concept is important.

surfsvammel 6 years ago |

I wish I learned to apologise earlier. It is the right thing to do in most situations. It effectively defuses disagreements and arguments, it shows that you are no longer an immature and obstinate teen.

You always come out ahead when you apologise.

barking 6 years ago |

To be myself in public. I still haven't learned. I had an uncle who was like that.

He didn't give a shit what anyone thought, he was such fun to be around even if it embarrassed the hell out of you sometimes.

nothrabannosir 6 years ago | |

Alternatively, it is possible to be yourself while still caring a great deal about what other people think, but not letting it influence your behaviour. Only your emotions.

I think “not caring what others think” gets too much credit, honestly. It’s fine to care, because that also brings joy, for example I bet your uncle was damn proud that you liked him so much for whom he was :) that only works if you care. Which I’m sure he did.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in public is a laudable skill.

barking 6 years ago | | |

Thank you, yes he definitely had people he cared about and I was lucky enough to one.

but not letting it influence your behaviour. Only your emotions

That sounds really really hard!

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in public is a laudable skill.

Absolutely, it requires a lot of courage imo.

tootie 6 years ago | |

I if I were really being myself, I wouldn't be in public. I prefer being alone 99% of the time.

f00zz 6 years ago |

Spoken English, it's not my first language and communication is a struggle. This wasn't much of a hindrance on my career as I've mostly worked within my country and can read technical English just fine, but now that I'm working remotely for a foreign company I'm kicking myself for not having paid more attention to it earlier in my life. I'm a disaster at conference calls.

Lately I've been extracting audio from YouTube videos and shadowing, this helps. Spoken fluency is mostly muscle memory, I think.

asdfman123 6 years ago | |

FWIW, if you didn't say you weren't a native speaker here I wouldn't have known you weren't. Your grammar is totally fine (other than a few minor mistakes, but your grammar is better than most native speakers).

f00zz 6 years ago | | |

That's definitely not the case, but thanks.

jmkni 6 years ago |

Showing up on time.

I spent way too much of my early career being that prima donna asshole who would show up when they felt like it.

I'm a bit older/wiser now, I apologize to anybody who had to work with younger me.

Intermernet 6 years ago |

Embrace being proven wrong. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but very difficult to do in reality.

I now genuinely love being proven wrong. Smarter everyday and all that :-)

ben509 6 years ago | |

The other skill that helps there is to not box yourself in by staking your reputation on a thing you believe to be true.

boohoojangles 6 years ago | |

and realize that not being proven wrong doesn't mean one is right.

A lot of times I just don't even debate with whoever doesn't want to listen.

Intermernet 6 years ago | | |

"and realize that not being proven wrong doesn't mean one is right"

That's the other foundation of the scientific method. A thousand times yes!

collyw 6 years ago |

Salary negotiation. (Not great at it now, but I don't feel embarrassed to ask for more).

blaser-waffle 6 years ago |

Technical: I wish I learned Perl and Python earlier. Scripting is powerful.

Non-Technical: Learning to speak the Will-to-Power language of executives; coded Power-Talk and all that. Once you start getting to the Senior Manager / Director / VP level whole battles are won and lost based on being able to play their games. I got burned a couple of times before I caught on, and lament not picking it up sooner.

adonnjohn 6 years ago | |

Any suggestions or recommendations for those attempting to improve those nontechnicals at earlier stages in their career?

bigfont 6 years ago |

These are the books and resources that have been of the most use to me:

# Assertiveness:

Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. (1995). Your Perfect Right. San Luis Obispo, California: Impact Publishers.

Paterson, R. J. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: How to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work and in relationships. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

# Anger Management:

McKay, M. & Rogers, R. (2000). The Anger Control Workbook: Simple, innovative techniques for managing anger and developing healthier ways of relating. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

# Social & Emotional Intelligence:

Bilsker, D., Gilbert, M., & Samra, J. (2009). Antidepressant Skills at Work: Dealing with mood problems in the workplace. Retrieved from http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/workbook/pages....

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

# Some High Level Take Home Messages

- negotiate your own behavior

- everyone is doing the best they can

- communication is goal oriented

- humans make more sense when we understand the hidden variables

- it's possible to use social skills and to be authentic

I built https://socialarts.club as a side-project for my own use; it might someday be useful to others once I have added privacy measures.

zimbatm 6 years ago |

Learn to relax. It was Bill Murray who was talking about this in an interview. If you relax, people are more relaxed, everything becomes easier.

tootie 6 years ago | |

This is my top feedback from everyone. I am always relaxed and it makes other people feel relaxed. Little do they know that my laid back attitude comes from underlying lack of caring whether or not my projects succeed.

If I could have learned one thing earlier on, it's how to be more serious. It's hard to be the chill, no worries guy and also the guy to be taken seriously and not be crossed.

asdfman123 6 years ago | |

Learning mindfulness and meditation can give you this superpower.

aszantu 6 years ago |

Marshall Rosenberg nonviolent communications

mparkola 6 years ago | |

I found NVC super valuable for opening my eyes to new concepts but challenging to implement in real life. When I tried it for the first time the other person got super angry because they thought I was making fun of them by asking about their emotions.

carvink 6 years ago | | |

It does take some practice, and best not to overuse it. The book 'Words That Work In Business" by Ike Lasater is a very good guide to NVC in the business world.

james_s_tayler 6 years ago | | |

I don't think I've ever formally studied exactly what it is... but I feel like I use this technique somewhat naturally. I'll couch things in terms where I'm stating what I think, but in a non-offensive way where I'm just conveying information.

I find a lot of phrases like "I'm not convinced that..." soften things in just the right way that people get a lot less defensive or aggressive.

asdfman123 6 years ago | | |

That's my problem with active listening. I can't do it without it sounding ridiculous.

"My god, someone shut down the production server!"

"That sounds very upsetting. You must be quite angry."

"Are you making fun of me?"

cr0sh 6 years ago |

If there were any I would list - and I learned these early on (long before I even started my career) - it would be these (and they apply in general, not just the workplace):

1. Taking responsibility for one's mistakes.

2. Knowing how to actually apologize for a mistake, and when to do so.

3. Actually learning and improving from those mistakes.

The ability to say "That was my fault, I apologize for it, and I will correct it and make sure it doesn't happen again" is something that is seemingly lost on a lot of people.

Instead, most will tend to deny responsibility, deflect blame, put it on someone else, argue that other's do the same thing so why can't they, and more.

It's a child's strategy, and is very transparent to the adults in the room. It is also maddening to see people, especially those in positions of power who should set a better example, get away with it on a daily, if not hourly basis.

LostInTheWoods2 6 years ago |

I would recommend watching GroundHog day with Bill Murray. The key takeaway from this film I think, was be the brightest light in the room, be your most attractive self, and everything/everyone else will sort itself out.

8bithero 6 years ago |

"The truth will set you free" Despite the cliche, I found the quicker you admit you've made a mistake, the quicker someone with more knowledge can jump in and resolve the problem before it gets worse.

nick007 6 years ago |

I’ve really enjoyed using https://www.createcapsule.com/ for this. Has been helpful with everything from practicing better CBT, to relationship communication in both personal and professional settings.

They do an amazing job of condensing down a lot of material into very succinct and digestible lessons (aka missions). Everything is also referenced so if you want to deep dive into a specific topic you can.

The whole course is short enough to finish in an afternoon, or can also be broken down in 20 minute slots.

paskos1 6 years ago |

I wish I had acknowledged the fact that I suffer from severe anxiety disorder instead of believing that everybody else was wrong.

For most of my work life (20+ years) I suffered from severe anxiety that led to fits of anger, resentment, self pity.

After facing enough consequences (being fired, quitting in anger) I finally looked at myself hard in the proverbial mirror and asked for help and went to therapy.

My favorite books are from Jocko Willink: - Extreme Ownership - The dichotomy of leadership - Discipline Equals Freedom

Mainly leadership books that I use to be better at leading myself.

tqwhite 6 years ago |

Three things...

1) The purpose of talking to people is not to figure out the right answer. The purpose is to figure out the next thing we can all agree is a decent idea.

2) Almost no one has bad motivations. When I think someone is trying to be a jerk, I now realize that I am probably misunderstanding a person who doesn't know how to be nice in a way that works for me. Probably, the person thinks he or she is doing the best they can.

3) Everyone is fighting battles, internal and external, that I cannot see. It is always right to be generous and sympathetic.

raverbashing 6 years ago |

How to deal with a-holes. Even better, how to make higher ups realise who the a-holes are and deal accordingly (which might not happen for a couple of reasons)

malux85 6 years ago | |

How do you make the high-ups realize who the a-holes are

asveikau 6 years ago | | |

It can be tricky when the high-ups are a-holes.

ryannevius 6 years ago |

Mindfulness / awareness meditation.

Seriously, if there's one thing I could tell my 18 year old self, it would be to learn to meditate and trust in the process. I tried very unsuccessfully to start a few times (guided meditation really isn't my jam), but quickly formed a habit once I found what works for me. It has been seriously life changing and has improved my relationship with myself and others at work and at home.

tmaly 6 years ago | |

Could you expound on what worked for you?

nefitty 6 years ago | | |

Not parent commenter, but what helped me was to track my daily meditations on a big calendar by marking them with an 'X'. My meditations started at 20 minutes. I would listen to some meditative bowl music or rain sounds and set it to end after 20 minutes. Alarms are startling and could ruin a good session.

I also had a little corner of my house with a pillow to sit on. I would change into comfortable sweatpants and pop in my headphones and start just counting my breaths.

I hope this helps you start!

vmlinuz 6 years ago |

The two things I've been working on most, recently:

Giving credit where due, particular to more junior colleagues when they have made a good contribution to a team effort.

Speaking in a more straightforward way - I'm English, and it's common for us to speak indirectly and suggest stuff, rather than say it outright, but I'm working in a mostly non-native English environment, and it has lead to issues once or twice.

leeeeenaaa 6 years ago |

Everybody in life will have their own goals, own dreams, things that they want to do, the way they want to do. You cannot define it for someone else. What you can instead do is help them with their goals, the way they want to get help. The best kind of things are organic, you can push someone to do better, but only if you know that they need the push. Not if they are okay wherever they are.

ulisesrmzroche 6 years ago |

Dang, what a mess this thread. Anyway, the first one is to never speak of what one does not know. I always get into trouble when I open my fat stupid mouth.

So always think twice before speaking, and if so, speak wisely.

The other one, tho related, is to never lose your temper. Never ever. This can get you in so much trouble that it is basically suicidal.

The satisfaction of a little rage is never worth the cost.

throwaway-q2232 6 years ago |

Repeated Prisoner's Dilemma problem and the Evolution of Trust - see Managing Your Manager by Ken Kousen. Essentially, Ken uses game theory to illustrate what behavior prevails in various situations and surveys various ways to deal with different personal. Also, the Game of Trust, as reviewed by Ken in his trainings.

Also, Robert Greene's The Laws of Human Nature.

anonymous5133 6 years ago |

Soft skills - how to deal with anxiety, stress and how to stop procrastinating such that is causes problems down the road.

CalRobert 6 years ago |

Some people use anger as a way to manipulate others and get what they want. This means that if you're never annoying _anybody_ you're probably a chump.

(Now, if it's more than a rare occurrence that's a problem, but sometimes, some people will be angry at you. And that's OK).

somedaysoonenuf 6 years ago |

How to listen to people: Realizing that there is something all people need, and that is to be heard. You can use the skill of listening to people to have an advantage in any situation.

I think I learned this best in workshops on effective communication, where we could role play.

dgellow 6 years ago |

Virtually everybody consider what they are familiar with to be normal or standard (often based on the country where they got their education). That was a big lesson to learn for me. Being in an international working environment makes you extra aware of that.

DEADBEEFC0FFEE 6 years ago |

Active listening. Empathy Collaboration mean compromise All decisions have emotions behind them

mooreds 6 years ago |

I wish I had internalized this truth:

"Each person you are talking to or walking by is as important to themselves as you are to yourself. Everyone is the hero of their own story."

It is easy to get intellectually, but to really internalize this leads to empathy and understanding.

codeful 6 years ago |

understanding people group dinamics from a social psychology perspective has been eye-opener for me. Rekommended reading - social identity theory and then a book: Social Groups in action and interaction. 2nd ed. Charles Strangor.

teekert 6 years ago |

I was always "overly social", wanted people to be happy, worried about what others think. As it turns out, knowing what you want, having a vision for yourself and sticking to it and being able to respectfully say "No." actually makes you an even more pleasant person to be around. More predictable, dependable and interesting. It will cost me some Karma but for me the first step in this change was reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I don't agree with everything but her vision on rational self interest stuck with me and made me feel like a more balanced person. I still have my struggles though. I recently experienced a lot of stress negotiating 2 job options. But a coach (provided by the company I worked for, very nice) helped me see the benefits of clearly and respectfully communicating my own interests in that situation. You are the only one in such situations who has his own interests as a top priority, don't think for others, especially not in a business setting.

RoadRunner_23 6 years ago |

Ability to listen when people talk and pick the best ones. Then apply the best ones slowly and permanently so that it becomes a habit. Make sure the tip is positive and constructive.

lispytriz 6 years ago |

I wish I had learned to disagree politely, convincingly, and respectfully. The trick is listening and really understanding the "opposite" view

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Ididntdothis 6 years ago |

I wish I had learned better how to listen and observe without my own insecurity getting in the way. Also being able to ask for something without apologizing or justifying.

tracker1 6 years ago |

Don't be afraid to acknowledge what you don't know. Feel free to point it out and that anything you may be speaking to is an educated guess and estimation only.

logari 6 years ago |

The ideas in Getting More, by Stuart Diamond.

And many others...in particular books written in foreign languages, which I cannot share here due to linguistic barriers.

carusooneliner 6 years ago |

Talk less and listen more. Learn to ask good questions. You can have an interesting conversation with anyone and life won't be boring.

zn44 6 years ago |

Understanding that I can ask people senior to me directly for things I want and they would do everything they can to help me

zachrose 6 years ago |

Just care less.

Don't worry too much about doing the perfect thing or building your product the right way. Whatever organization has hired you and your peers is by definition less knowledgeable, critical, and aesthetically sensitive than you are. Their goal isn't the "A-to-B" thing that you might think it is, because they don't really know what "B" is. Their goal is more like: hire some people, keep them happy, do some things that have a chance of bringing in money, and hopefully keep the lights on long enough to hire more people and take more chances at bringing in money.

However valuable "B" might seem, it's still finite. Comparatively speaking, culture and morale are infinitely valuable because they can get to so many other places than just "B." Whatever shortcomings you perceive in your implementation of "B" are at the end of the day are shortcomings of your team, and if there was a shortcut to get a perfect result out of imperfect people then capitalism as we know it would have already collapsed into something else. The only way to improve "B" (or "C" or "7" or "^" or whatever you do next) is to improve the team that's already there.

So relax. Have fun with the people you're stuck with. Try to do things better, sure, but don't blow out the engine trying to win the day's race.

Read Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Carse.

sebastianconcpt 6 years ago |

That I could EASILY make A LOT more money if I would not use my favorite programming language :(

bonoquak 6 years ago |

Came here for tips on improving people skills. Saw mostly 'self inspect' mechanisms.

jshowa3 6 years ago |

Ask for help and communicate your concerns. Number one thing I wished I learned a lot earlier.

gradschool 6 years ago |

Approach every conversation with an attitude of wanting the other person to be happy.

mytailorisrich 6 years ago |

Hiding contempt behind a smile.

jcutrell 6 years ago |

How to convince other people that what you’re doing is worthwhile and valuable.

notus 6 years ago |

Always be constructive with your feedback or don't give any at all.

resters 6 years ago |

Some important things to remember when dealing with humans:

- If people under you on the org chart are being friendly with you, laughing at your jokes, etc., it is partly due to their desire to get ahead in their careers.

- Every person is the hero of his/her own personal struggle. This self perception explains a lot of human behavior.

- If you are managing people and you don't think you can fire someone because your own boss would not be supportive, then you will never succeed as a manager in that company. Find a new boss.

- The more a startup becomes successful, the more it will attract Slytherins and the more hostile it will be to Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. This is not a value judgement about the different houses, just an important reality to keep in mind.

- When hiring, the "weekend test" works very well. Would you want to spend a weekend in the office working alongside this person?

- Be upfront with people about their own personal goals and time horizons. Collaboration can exist when everyone's incentives line up, but that doesn't entail that everyone's incentives will always line up. Being honest about this will make people feel respected.

Trust your gut feelings about people, they are usually right.

Figure out what kind of work culture you want to work in, and do your best to make your job match this culture, or find a new job that is a better match.

Invest in your friendships, and develop habits and hobbies that let you continue to make new friends even once you start to settle down a bit.

Read books like "How to negotiate anything" and "Impro" to better understand the way interpersonal dynamics influence negotiations and the perception of a person's behavior.

If you are a thinker, spend time cultivating the ability to listen to your own feelings and to use your emotions and hunches as valuable input into your more rational decision processes.

Realize that your mind and body are one and that you will be more complete if you treat your body well (food, exercise, sleep).

Leadership is a force, not a title. Regardless of the situation or who is officially in charge, bring leadership to the world wherever you go. This does not mean bossing people around, it can mean many things depending on the context.

edit: not sure why this got downvoted, maybe something I said struck a nerve. I'd be curious to find out what it was rather than just have this downvoted.

michelinman 6 years ago |

Be yourself not who you think they want you to be.

rubbercasing 6 years ago |

Photoshop and other Adobe editing features.

Xelbair 6 years ago |

Admit mistakes, and acknowledge if someone is right(even if you hate that person, or he or she is below you in the ladder)

Don't yell and judge the fuckups, unless someone does the same mistake over and over again. The only one kind of person does no mistakes - the one who dosen't do anything.

Try to help people around you, sharing knowledge etc. It makes everything go smoother.

Tl;Dr Be professional, keep calm, and leave your prejudices at home.

Work shouldn't affect(nor care) about your private time, and vice versa.

raj_khare 6 years ago |

Recursion. I see it everywhere

alo75 6 years ago |

Touchtyping

edisonjoao 6 years ago |

keys open doors

known 6 years ago |

Protect yourself from

    Machiavellianism(manipulate/deceive others)
    Psychopathy(lack of remorse/empathy)
    Sadism(pleasure in suffering of others) 
    Narcissism(egotism/self-obsession)

sarcasmOrTears 6 years ago |

Assertiveness. Seriously, you can be the best programmer in the world, humble, caring and even able to understand other people needs but if you're not assertive you gonna get screwed BIG time, especially if you are good