Overcome Fear in 2011. Get Rejected On Purpose(modernhomemodernbaby.com) |
Overcome Fear in 2011. Get Rejected On Purpose(modernhomemodernbaby.com) |
"Getting rejected on purpose" sounds like I'd be picking situations where I know for sure I'll be rejected -- an inappropriate proposition, an undeserved request. I don't want to do that to someone else just to try to desensitize myself to rejection.
The social contract among my peers seem to be to only ask for things that could be the start of a win-win negotiation.
Conquering fear is done by facing your fears not by intentionally going out with the expectation that things will go bad. Pessimism is just another defence mechanism from the true vulnerability of ambiguity.
This meme is just psychologically wrong in so many ways.
- Seeking rejection creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where you will be more likely to be rejected.
- When you are rejected in this way, instead of processing it maturely, you're going to say "Oh it was part of my rejection therapy. I didn't really even want or expect to be accepted. Add one point to the scoreboard!." This is an attempt to dodge the reality of what happened - rejection is a negative thing. It's not the end of the world, but it also is probably not cause for celebration. You aren't fooling anyone (including yourself) by telling yourself it is positive. Anytime you are rejected from something you care about you are going to have sad feelings at the least. The way to handle these is to face them, own them, feel them, realize they will go away, and try again another day. But inflicting this on yourself on purpose is masochism and unhealthy.
- For most people, experiencing a lot of rejection will not make them less fearful of rejection, it will make them more fearful. They will come to expect rejection more and then avoid behaviours that they believe will lead to it.
- The effective, scientifically proven way to face your fears is to do it piece by piece, in small bites, and to recognize that if you are not allowing yourself to be truly emotionally vulnerable, you are not really facing your fear of rejection. The fear of rejection is about asking for something you want and then feeling the uncomfortable vulnerable feelings of ambiguity. It's about making yourself emotionally vulnerable - you genuinely want something and will be happy to receive it and sad to be denied it. This is true vulnerability. You cannot avoid the pain of rejection, you can only learn to process it when it happens, and to have the courage to risk that pain because you know it's all for a greater good. But inflicting this pain on yourself needlessly is masochistic and will likely lead to more phobias and anxiety, not less.
Those who are having trouble with fear - look up systematic desensitization and in vivo desensitization. Also, remember that true courage means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And vulnerability means allowing for the instance where you feel bad. A coward is someone who finds ways to avoid any chance of feeling bad. A courageous person is one who is willing to risk losing something he desires because he knows that it is a smart risk.
As a positive example, my weak point is talking to girls. I try to talk more to them (or to more of them) to get experience. But since I'm not too sure of myself, I don't come off as pushy or overbearing, so the responses are generally positive, just because of the attention they receive. Which makes me feel more comfortable the next time I try to talk to female strangers.
In vivo desensitization is what you're describing - slowly facing your fears piece by piece.
Rejection therapy is something else, where you actually attempt to be rejected X number of times per day. If you aren't rejected, you now have to do something that will get your rejected. It is essentially a defence mechanism to avoid true vulnerability.
A lot of people on the Internet use rejection therapy to get over their fears of asking the cute girl out for coffee or going to the trendy nightclub they've never entered before. Here at HN, however, I think rejection therapy is able to really shine: sitting down for lunch with some VC's or C-level executives takes courage, and pitching your idea is literally asking for it to get shot down. It takes a lot of courage, but in the end it's worth it to take the risk for the slim chance of reward. In fact, many aspects of the startup lifestyle involve putting your neck out there in hopes that someone will see your idea and love it just as much as you do.
I haven't played the "Rejection Therapy" game, but I feel like everyone is afraid of getting rejected from something. It gives me the holiday season warm fuzzy feelings when I know that people are following a system that will improve themselves.
...where by "literally" you mean "figuratively". Unless VCs you lunch with habitually bring firearms or the like to lunch. :)
Happy 2011, I just woke up and laughed at the thought of a VC with a rocket-propelled grenade.
Two years of my life could (and would) have been better spent working in a field I love on projects I enjoy with people that constantly push me to excel but because of the rejection I experienced (mostly in my own head, mind you) in the first half of 2008, I froze and was unable to get past it. Well, thank [insert higher power of choice here] for that because this year I'm back on the horse and 2011 brings nothing but amazing potential and a blank slate every day for me to fill.
To anyone stuck where I was: Keep pushing forward. When you realize that the rejection is your own head working against you, you'll finally feel free. It gets different!
Moral of the story - real data trumps everything, even if that data makes you realise you aren't entirely in control of the situation :)
In fact, the PUA guys have taken a lot of ideas from the exact same sources that are used by sales-people, marketers, etc. For example, Robert Cialdini's book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is a popular read amongst PUAs. You'll also see those guys recommending various books on sales and presentation skills, recommending improv classes (something else sales guys sometimes do), etc.
So yeah, there's definitely a sort of connection there... :-)
Supposedly, that's also how long it takes the interviewer to decide.
I have a couple of friends who never go to interviews, unless their skills match the job description almost perfectly. They rob themselves of chances to get more money, more experience.
"Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them." -- Shit My Dad Says
I think it's better to take a more balanced approach - interview until you have enough information to determine what it is you need to work on (even with their silence you can eventually work this out to some degree by examining what you were able to deal with well and not so much), then stop, go work on that, rinse and repeat until you're getting offers.
The whole concept of rejection therapy seems a rehash of the simple wisdom that you should have the balls to get out there and gather data, so to speak, on the things you desire rather than simply letting yourself rot in a less desirable situation out of fear.
However, I worry that people will lose sight of the fact that it's about actually challenging assumptions and treat it as some macho game. It's not smart to go out and get rejected, not think about why, then simply repeat the rejection over again.
In my experience, it has been pretty easy to ask why they don't want you. Some larger companies have policies about not telling you, but any small company probably won't mind answering a polite email with a reasonably straightforward answer. And in larger companies, you should be asking each individual interviewer for a business card to follow up with a thank you email, so you could reach out to them directly; they aren't as sensitive to the HR policies.
You get an email saying "We're sorry..." and you just reply "Thank you for the opportunity. If you don't mind, I'd appreciate any information you are willing to share about your decision. I'm always looking to improve myself and rely on your honesty to identify my grow areas. Thanks!"
What's the worse that happens? They reject you again by not giving you a straight answer? The whole point of learning to handle rejection is to take advantage of the fact that much of the time you can win just by showing up to the game.
a 1% chance to earn 20k more a year and learn new skills along the way is worth more than the $200/a few hours of my life a strict cost/benefit would indicate.
You really have no way of knowing if you're underqualified or not from the amount of information about any particular job you might come across (on a job board or a company's website). Now obviously they may list a bunch of technologies you've never worked for, but even then they might be willing to let a smart person learn.
I have had many, many incidents where they have given very brief, obviously untrue feedback which seems likely to be the result of a careful HR policy.
In fact, I have in the past done exactly what you suggest and got a reasonable and very useful response :)