Ask HN: Advice on getting over romantic rejection? It's killing my startup Any hackers tips on getting over romantic rejection? I got pwned hard by a woman last year and the stuff she said about me stung very badly and continues to do so. It's been months since she told me to buzz off and I still have a hard time not fixating on the flaws she saw in me. It's killing my productivity at work. Not sure what to do. I can't stop picking at the scabs. |
I guess it's just hard to process that there's someone out there who knows a ton about me and based on that, wants nothing to do with me. I feel like my startup could get a buyout offer tomorrow and that fact would still be ringing in my ears.
Try and "re-frame" it. You now know a lot about her, and she doesn't sound right for you. Get to a place where you can fully agree with yourself that you're better off without her. It's hard though.
Also keep in mind is that often these flaws are projections. Either of her own flaws, those of past significant others, her parents, etc. She might be right. But she might be wrong. As other posters have said, what is a flaw to her, may be an odd habit that your next partner will grin at.
Personally, I found the best way to get over things was female company. My female friends were much better at making me feel good about myself. My male engineering friends were good at keeping me distracted, but weren't equipped to talk about what happened.
And one reason why I don't like seeing my most significant ex: I am reminded of her good qualities when I see her, and forget the bad. I wonder if it was the right decision all over again, and that's very uncomfortable. She probably doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want to face the dilemma: did she make the right decision? This particular ex admitted to me last year that she still thinks about me 2 years later.
And dufusheart, if these are flaws, the best time to work on them is in your next relationship. You'll be older and wiser, be able to judge more accurately, but most importantly, talk about them with your new partner. It's uncomfortable, but worthwhile!
So my advice would be to dial back a little bit on the startup, and find some new non-work activity to take on.
So much of your mental state is about your internal dialog, which is something you can control if you work at it. Consider looking at a book like "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself." http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708...
Also, I've found that when I'm down about something, the best therapy is just to immerse myself in something. A startup project, exercise, whatever. This might be a good time to just dive into the startup with even more intensity than before. If nothing else, go with the old-fashioned meme of "the best revenge is living well." Picture yourself cruising in your new Ferrari and passing your ex somewhere and just smiling at her.
Or you could dive into some exercise routine / hobby. If you mountain bike or rock-climb or trail-run or anything fun, just start doing more of it. Find some other people to ride/climb/run/whatever with, so you have people to talk to and keep your mind off of the ex.
And finally there is the old PUA saw of "GFTOW" (Google it if you don't know the acronym.) Sounds kinda vulgar, but sometimes it's what a guy needs.
Do not take any negative comment from a woman (or anyone) personally. Perception is projection most of the time.
Try to look at your actions and characteristics from the outside objectively (observing ego). Fix any flaws you can find about yourself (Excessive weight, bad teeth, fidgeting too much, weak vocal projection, not being able to let go while with a woman etc)
The most helpful advice about women and dating was looking at the dating scene like a computer game. When you lose you go back to the start (with a different woman). The more you play, the more experience you get, the further you advance the next time.
I know it sounds cold and apathetic, but I couldn't have gotten my current girlfriend if I hadn't failed at my previous experiences. I analyzed every mistake I made, learned from them.
Sorry to say this, but you should be able to endure some pain if you want to be successful with women. Just don't get angry with them and don't take it personally. 95% of the time it's the men's fault when the relationship stops going anywhere. 5% of the time it's psycho women, but they're somewhat rare.
But I find myself late at night when I'm alone fixating on the criticisms from this woman.
Sounds like she's on a power trip that most likely is fueled by her own unhappiness / insecurities. Save for a few historical figues, I don't think most people could be considered objectively bad.
Sure, but it's not something that everyone can just switch on. if thte OP were that kind of person, he probably wouldn't have posted. So I think this advice is poor for this case.
You'll meet someone soon enough that will see positive where this last girl saw negative.
This, on the other hand, is 100% true. But very hard to believe when you are in the OP's mood.
I get the impression that he takes her criticisms seriously. She doesn't like certain things about him and he sees those as absolute faults. I doubt he is so flawed (at least compared to everyone else) and I don't think he should look at it that way.
1. Time will heal, there's no magic switch to make this undone. It's natural that your startup will suffer with you for a while. Just like raising money will occupy your mind, it's inevitable (I'm not suggesting this is the same quality of pain). But it will pass. In the meantime, don't let it be the reason to kill your startup.
2. Having your face rubbed in your imperfection hurts, but not every flaw is unacceptable for every person. If the flaw makes you imcompatible with the whole world, that could be a problem. But I'm quite sure that this flaw is only an issue for a certain type of person, or even only for that particular woman. It could be her problem, not even yours! And there is the other type, who appreciates your strengths and can live with your weaknesses (or doesn't even see it as a weakness).
http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/cat/seductionfaq/Begi...
As far as things she said that you are not happy with, try to stand back from it, dissociate your self from it, consider it as feedback, did anything she said actually pertain to you, or is it her interpretation? If it is something directly about you, do you wish to carry on the same way or would you like to make a change based on that feedback? I know this sounds clinical, but that is what will help, if you are having trouble with separating the emotions from what she said you might try using visualization to dissociate yourself from the emotions.
Also, this article comes to mind and may help: http://rejectiontherapy.com/how-inadequacy-and-betrayal-can-...
If you can fix a legitimate flaw, then do it. Otherwise, it sounds like a confidence problem. Find something to help you re-build your confidence.
Number 3 especially!!!
I guess it also depends on the type of rejection though.
Whatever you do, don't fall into a vortex of self-pity. Remember, she's gone, it sucks but it'll pass.
Let me recommend the movie "Beyond Rangoon" as a place to start building a mental model of what I mean. Bite off more than you can chew and all that.
Peace. And good luck in your journey.
Seriously - get out and run/climb/bike HARD.
The exercise will clear your mind and will change your esteem.