Ask HN: How to fix expectations and set up path for life?

29 points by mikaelsouza 5 years ago | 13 comments

So, for the past few years, I've been struggling with depression. I am already taking care of my mental health doing therapy and taking prescripted meds for depression.

A few weeks ago, I had a depressive crisis where I couldn't do anything related to study/work and kept reflecting about life for a few days.

With help from my psychiatrist, I noticed I had set up impossibly high expectations for my life and because of that, everything I accomplished always felt like it was nothing or it felt like it was something already expected for me to accomplish. Because of that, much of what I do feels empty and does not give me pleasure.

I'm 26 and I'm finishing my Master's Degree, researching NLP, but it feels like there are not many jobs which I could work as a researcher where I live. I also don't feel prepared to move to another country to join a big company (I want to work at MS someday lol).

All of that makes me feel like what I am doing is for nothing and that it has no meaning. I also feel locked into a path which I don't enjoy much anymore. While I want to work as a researcher, to learn more and make use of all I've learned until now, I want to try other things related to computers.

It looks like I've been rambling for a while. I am not really sure what I wanted to accomplish writing this, but I think the main points are: * How to fix my expectations to make accomplishments matter? * While NLP is an interesting topic, it feels like there are not many opportunities where I live; * I want to try new things besides Machine Learning, but I feel locked in this path already. Maybe it's already implied, but I am not from the US.

totetsu 5 years ago |

I'm maybe not the kind of FANG(m) hotshot HN user your seeking an answer from here... But... Time spent in the selfless service of the betterment of community and humanity, the assistance of those less able than oneself, and the propagation of one's values into the future, on reflection doesn't often feel meaningless. Maybe think about how you can expand your thinking of your life to be more than just your own successful career path and you will find more fulfillment, and be more comfortable keeping high expectations. As FANG and software eat the world, there is a lot of community, open tech, open source, decentralisation projects that need peoples help to keep the balance of power slipping away from us common plebs. Another option is to look into the cosmic perspective.. get some sense of scale of humanity, and it's interconnected place in the long time line of the web of life in the world.. botany and geology are great for putting humans into perspective, and spending time outdoors looking at plants and rocks will also fight depression in many ways. Maybe search of some blog where people write about their career paths in IT to get an idea of what others have done before.

abdabab 5 years ago | |

I agree with you on finding purpose and it certainly brings the sense of our interconnectedness with everything else, which can bring you to a perspective where you’re not stuck thinking about personal pain anymore. However, I also think life doesn’t has to be all about finding purpose or all that. There is so much more world has to offer. Good food, good conversations, beautiful places, hikes, creative art, books, music, movies - I can go on and on. One can build a good happy life just by appreciating everything good he already has. It just takes a very big perspective shift.

shoo 5 years ago |

> “My clients are perfectionists,” says Alden Cass, a therapist to both corporate attorneys and men on Wall Street. [...] “They have very rigid ideals in terms of win-lose,” he continues. “Their expectations of success are through the roof, and when their reality doesn’t match up with their expectations, it leads to burnout—they leave no room for error or failure at all in their formula.” [...] Yet ask Cass why his clients are burning out, and his answer isn’t any different for a banker than it would be for a public-school teacher; there’s a gulf between what they expected from their jobs and what they got. “I can’t tell you,” he says, “how many people come into my office and ask, ‘How come I have this money and I can’t find happiness?’ ” So what does he tell them? “That happiness equals reality divided by expectations.”

-- Jennifer Senior, "Can’t Get No Satisfaction", https://nymag.com/news/features/24757/

austincheney 5 years ago |

Start by expelling any false expectations you may have and then analyze what you have accomplished as compared to alternatives from peers or the marketplace. If you are not happy with your current path then make a change. This is challenging if you have dependents, but if you are single then just go do something else. Nothing is stopping you from a life change more than yourself.

Here are some common expectations to dispell:

* Unless it is in writing and legally binding nobody owns you anything. This is deeper than it sounds and many people struggle with this in a very infantile way.

* Don't be a freeloader. Don't expect people to give you assistance. Assistance is wonderful when you need it, but if you are dependent upon assistance people will come to think of you as a disease.

* Don't wait for somebody to tell when you when to start. Waiting is a waste. Just go. If you are wrong about something you can correct for it later.

* Don't expect all of life's problems to be solved by social structures. I have spoken with teenagers who expect to get into a good school or expect to have the most wonderful job once they graduate. Imposing false promises upon yourself results in more disappointment than action. If you want a wonderful job then start by working your ass off to be wonderful at your job.

* Don't expect somebody else to do your job for you, which includes tools and frameworks. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to solve a problem. Reliance on helpers to do your job for you is great until they can't solve a given problem then your fucked. Even worse is when that tool is no longer available, which is worse because the result is defensive behavior that nobody wants to associate with.

* Be goal oriented. If you know what you are striving for you can backwards plan the steps necessary to accomplish it. If you manage a team write those goals down and expose them to your team so that the team moves towards the goal as a collected unit.

* Understand the nature of vanity. Vanity is necessary to set positive impressions and satisfy customer experience. Beyond that vanity carries a diminishing return over time with an inversely proportional cost.

nickff 5 years ago |

Consulting a psychiatrist seems like a great move!

It kind of seems like you're missing a philosophical framework. I'm not sure what framework would appeal to you, but finding one that makes sense could help you understand what would give your life meaning.

People can derive satisfaction from all kinds of jobs (but not necessarily any job) with the right mindset and perspective. Understanding your own motivations will also help you work towards a social life that you find rewarding.

mindhash 5 years ago |

How to fix my expectations to make accomplishments matter?

Identify if social network is the reason. Or is it your peers? Both are equally likely to imprint a need for higher expectations.

Most of the answers will need to be discovered by self but books do help.

Set expectations in terms of habits and not external achievements. I set a goal of spending a few minutes to write thoughts everyday, no matter what. My goal is to do this rest of my life without fail. Read growth mindest and atomic habits

If you keep blogging about your NLP, you are likely to get inbound remote opportunities. For last 8 years, I never had to apply for job, I always start blogging and that gets me inbound opportunities. There is plenty of work and remote these days, you just need to show up and get discovered.

> While NLP is an interesting topic, it feels like there are not many opportunities where I live? It's not impossible but if this doesn't interest you. Do something else. Don't worry about your 2 years of masters. The knowledge will be useful someday in future. More than you can imagine.

> I want to try new things besides Machine Learning, but I feel locked in this path already

We all have a need for consistency that's what makes it difficult to change paths. But hey do what you gotta do. The important thing is to stick to something long enough to reap rewards. If you have to switch the paths 3-4 times in an year dont worry, you will find fixate on something someday.

thiago_fm 5 years ago |

I would perhaps try something new, such as... getting a real job and trying to achieve real things in life, such as buying some property and finish paying for it(it takes a lot of effort), trying to make a relationship work.

Just try to grab life by the balls, I feel you are too dependant on luck, like finding the job in the field you like and "work at MS". Stop living inside your head or look for an ego boost and try to find a job, live with the complexities of life. I once was stuck in the same loop and decided to move to the biggest city in my country and find a job with almost no money on my pocket or parents to help me. I felt challenged and even though had some adversities, I managed to get through and slowly started making decisions and take control of my life.

You probably have pretty good education and that could enable you to switch to a more demanding career, such as, software dev.

alexmingoia 5 years ago |

”You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.” — Richard Feynman

You don’t have to get a job directly related to NLP after you complete your degree. You’re not locked into any path. The world is a big place, with many opportunities. Take things one step at a time. Finish the degree, and then figure things out.

jventura 5 years ago | |

> You don’t have to get a job directly related to NLP after you complete your degree.

This! I did a PhD in NLP and then worked as backend web developer at a startup and now I'm teaching Operating Systems and Distributed Computing classes... Go with the flow, fill the gaps as you move along..

f2000 5 years ago |

I too have suffered from depression. The work of Dr. David Burns have proven to be most helpful to me! I'd suggest checking out his website feelinggood.com or his new book "Feeling Great" - he also has a podcast. FWIW, Dr. Burns is not some kind of "self-help charlatan" He is a Stanford MD/Psychiatrist with decades of experience treating depression. Best wishes!

abdabab 5 years ago |

I think you answered yourself already.

> I noticed I had set up impossibly high expectations for my life and because of that, everything I accomplished always felt like it was nothing or it felt like it was something already expected for me to accomplish

That’s a great start.

> I also don't feel prepared to move to another country to join a big company (I want to work at MS someday lol).

Go for it! My personal opinion is working in a smaller company is lot more fun. MS or FAANGs are more like chasing Ivy League school for grownups. Having been there and done that I don’t see the allure anymore.

> I also feel locked into a path which I don't enjoy much anymore. While I want to work as a researcher, to learn more and make use of all I've learned until now, I want to try other things related to computers.

Change it! If I quote Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss you’re right now in a waiting place and you already know the steps you want to take. Now let’s start taking baby steps towards that.

mikaelsouza 5 years ago |

First I would like to thank you all that have commented and gave me their best advice.

I want to reply to all your comments, but I feel I still need more time for introspection and to think about what was discussed here.

The best thing about HN is there are so many beautiful, intelligent people with different perspectives and that helps a lot when trying to change my own perspective about life.

runawaybottle 5 years ago |

Lowering expectations is age old trick to improve your life.