Tell HN: A 30-something CS undergrad struggling with life

7 points by minimalismhuh 5 years ago | 4 comments

Born into a dysfunctional family (father beat the sht out of my mother, me, siblings). My mother in turn beat the sht out of me & my siblings. I had trouble in elementary school. Had to repeat classes, graduated from high school late in life. Worked mostly in temporary low-paying jobs, then went to school for 3 years doing basically nothing. Dropped out, then worked again somewhere, then went to school again pursuing a computer science degree (60% complete).

My life is just a big f*cking maze (too many trial and errors, esp. unnecessary ones: "doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results"-kind of mistakes).

Now in my early 30s going to school with Gen-Z (feeling as the only Yoomer stuck in there), still having financial troubles (hard for me to make ends meet), wondering if this grind will ever come to a halt? Especially when 3 decades have passed, and you never really worked in a "real job" being "socially awkward" and lonely for most of your life.

How can I make up for my lost years? I can't this is the realization. Time can't be brought back. So this is out of the equation. All I can do now, is look into typical recommendations/life advice/studies/findings and optimize as much as I am comfortable with:

- water fasting (mostly following Valter Longo) - cold showers (b/c it helps against depression and ease my Reynolds syndrome) - socializing (not easy for me, but I must try it at least b/c: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/) - omega-3 and other supplements (good for easing depression caused by trauma/loneliness)

I am no expert, I don't understand these studies fully, but they at least give me some sense of direction to "steer" my remaining life out of this misery. (At least I hope so.)

1 year until I prospectively graduate. Let's see how this life of mine unfolds.

fstopmick 5 years ago |

We have similar backgrounds, and similar struggles. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

FWIW, I'm also about a decade behind-the-curve because of childhood trauma. I'm reminded of it every day - peers within my age group have exceeded me in every imaginable way.

The cool thing though, is that your CS degree is going to empower you with a lethal skillset, whether or not you graduate. Especially if you keep practicing those social skills as you work on your studies.

I know this is a "Tell HN", and I hesitate to offer unsolicited advice. But I'll share with you, what I wish someone would have shared with me:

- Delayed career progression isn't a big deal. Just frame it as an interesting story.

- You can make your story more interesting by learning to love and cultivate your skillset. Maybe reading Atomic Habits inspires you to build a personal habit-tracking application. That sort of thing is a powerful differentiator.

- You probably won't use most of what you're learning in academia. I wish I had supplemented by University studies with a coding bootcamp that taught me how to build real apps for real people.

- Interviewing is a total numbers game. It took me ~20 interviews to get an offer that excited me. My GPA was shit - but my side projects were interesting to the people who handled my interview loop.

- It sounds cliche, but defining a five-year vision (ie - working for a FAANG corp making $>150k/y) can help. You can split those years up into months, and those months up into weeks, and then determine what you should be measuring and working on to meet your targets every week.

I also wanted to thank you for the reminder to take care of my body. I've been getting lazy (easy with gyms closed) and your post was great reminder to resume measuring and improving my nutrition/exercise habits. Much appreciated.

sjg007 5 years ago |

You are not the only one and you are not alone. It is not too late and you are worth it!

It sounds like you had a difficult and traumatic past. My parents never beat me but they weren't there emotionally for me and they themselves were emotionally immature (and in some sense still are). They stayed together for us kids and that was a disaster. I am still dealing with the fallout. But as kids we are highly perceptive and learn coping skills to manage in an environment we have little control over. We take these skills through our lives even when they no longer serve a purpose or help us thrive.

In general, it is our thoughts that create our mood. I suggest reading the book Feeling Great by David Burns MD or his older book Feeling Good. He also has a podcast. That's what some people call bibliotherapy and then well podcastherapy. https://feelinggood.com/category/dr-davids-blogs/feeling-goo... If you can find a therapist I would go see one. Schools usually have one available. Others have sliding scales. Focus on specific issues you have and take it one day at a time. The patterns in the mind are quite consistent and common so just as you trust a doctor to heal a broken bone you should trust the professionals to help you through challenging times and give you tools for the future.

We measure ourselves based on years and often lose sight of that it is the days that build us. And these days are built on hours. Start small.

Your CS education will help you and if you enjoy it and programming then you will go far. Education is the most powerful force we have to improve our lot in life. You don't have to be perfect. There are plenty of folks who failed out of high school, got a GED and then eventually went to medical school and even graduate school. Like the stock market past performance is not a predictor of future success.

throwaway29303 5 years ago |

I'm sorry to hear that.

One of the best advice I've been given about depression is: "stop trying to control something that's fundamentally out of your control."

Just let it go.[0][1]

Do the best you can do with what has been given to you right now. (And make sure you don't go the extremist route.) Keep reading, learning and working out (start with simple calisthenics f.e., then progress to weight lifting or do some other sport just make sure your body is physically active). Improve yourself as much as possible, but, again, don't over do it.

Allow your mind to be occupied by something else. Reward yourself once you achieved a goal established by you. Maybe write your own To Do list. Focus on that.

Find balance in all things around you.

And if you need to look back, do it because you're remembering a forgotten and useful lesson and not because you want to change something from your past.

Chin up and stay strong. You can do it. Keep going.

[0] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjwLienADFQ (it's a metaphor!)

[1] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology)

pettycashstash2 5 years ago |

Only advice I can give is Find something you’re passionate about and drives you. I heard somewhere it’s better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to be on versus in the middle or top of one you don’t want to be on. Keep it simple and perserve though living an enjoyable life.