Ask HN: How do you deal with your not-so-intelligent family/friends?

8 points by sinisterbun 4 years ago | 10 comments

I don't want to mince words here. There are people around you who cannot think at your level. And may be you are that person to someone else too. This does not include cases when we can say "So what? They have their own things they are good at." No, these people are genuinely atleast a level below you intellectually. It is quite common in my circles due to very understandable reasons. It could be parents, partners, siblings etc. So how do you deal with them when discussing issues which need deep thinking?

captainredbeard 4 years ago |

Why are you discussing issues which need deep thinking with them?

What are you trying to accomplish? If there are tactical needs, discuss the particulars and use simple explanations. Don't provide an explanation without being asked for it as the details can easily overwhelm people, which can sometimes make them angry.

tboyd47 4 years ago |

You can't deal with everyone in your life the same way.

If you're feeling isolated due to other people not taking a nuanced enough approach towards issues you need to discuss, try to find at least one friend you can discuss those issues with to your liking.

Humor is something most people appreciate as long as you choose the right topics. Humor hits people with complexity in a way that excites and energizes them as opposed to weighing them down and making them nervous.

Don't ever think in terms of "I'm smarter than everyone else," though. That's a good way to guarantee you'll be made the fool at some point, and probably when you least expect it.

legrande 4 years ago |

Firstly, I believe everyone's intelligent, just in varying degrees. One of the biggest insults you can inflict on others is calling them stupid. Many people take that to heart.

But to answer your question: you typically change your language depending on who you're talking to, to cater to their level of understanding and background knowledge about a subject.

You don't hear me talking about coding to my mother, since she can barely use an iPad. She knows that code is used to make her apps, but that's it. You can't go into high level detail like APIs and encryption, sandboxing, etc with her.

sinisterbun 4 years ago |

I seem to give out 'narscissistic' vibes here. Just to be clear, I am very well aware when I am talking to a person of 'higher' level. And can clearly see them trying to dumb it down to me. Not a very good feeling but nothing can be done there. In fact the other person is being nice. I am only attempting to look at it objectively. I ask this because there is a tendency to become disintereted in your near and dear as you grow. It does not only apply to intelligence, areas of interest also gradually drift apart. Many discussions become either artificial or random fun based on movies or TV. There is still unconditional love, but something is always missing in those concersations.

sinisterbun 4 years ago | |

Oh look at that! I did not realize 'disinterested' and 'uninterested' are not the same. Case in point.

rossdavidh 4 years ago |

So, essentially, think about how you would want someone who is way more intelligent than you, to deal with you.

1) you might enjoy their insight on complex issues, especially if you can trust that they have your best interests at heart...

2) ...but you would want them to not force you into conversations about topics too complex for you to grasp, just because they found it interesting

3) it's ok if you say they are smarter than you, and you don't necessarily expect them to contradict you if you say that, but it would not be as cool if they said they were smarter than you

4) if you have other virtues (social skills, empathy, physical strength or agility, specialized knowledge related to your job), you would want them to respect you for that, even if you both know they are smarter than you

h2odragon 4 years ago |

"Do ya think Einstein walked around all the time, thinking people were a bunch of dumbshits?"

literallyaduck 4 years ago |

Have you considered you might be a narcissistic person?

If you are truly more intelligent, consider having empathy on those poor unfortunate souls who are not on your level and use vocabulary appropriate to the audience. Consider how they may relate and be polite without patronizing.

DantesKite 4 years ago |

Well I’d change the word intelligence to interests.

My parents are technologically inept but far superior to me in certain areas of life that I can’t seem to catch up in. They instinctively understand it better than I do.

lhorie 4 years ago |

Reading between the the lines, it sounds like you are getting into disagreements with family and you feel that you "know better".

There are a few things to consider: the first is that many things are not as black-and-white as you might be lead to believe (a good example of this is american politics, which tends to be boiled down to popular talking points that get parroted ad nauseam, but those often focus on rhetorics more than matters of day-to-day practicality). One thing I try to do is to try to put myself in the other person's shoes or play devil's advocate with myself. It's very easy to e.g. scorn religiousness, but much harder and humbling to understand where they come from and come to terms with the fact that some people are just fundamentally different from you. Through actively seeking a "grand unifying theory" of religion, I've come to an answer that is both religiously compatible and scientifically compatible, which means I no longer feel the need to convert people to "my" side.

This ties into the second thing: what practical purpose is there to discuss these topics? We live in a society built on specialization; if you are interested in complex niche topics as a means to personal fulfillment, there are appropriate places to discuss them. Generally speaking, the intersection between those circles and your family/friend circle may be non-existent.

Part of living in a society is understanding others' boundaries and conducting yourself appropriately in a given context (i.e. there's nothing wrong with the guys wanting to watch SuperBowl instead of doing a chess party, and there's nothing inherently inferior about family wanting to spend time on superficial travel/food photos instead of engaging in philosophical discussions about Monet). Intellectual pursuit is not the only goal in life, and that's ok.

And third, live and let live. There's great wisdom in various religions about what things are under your control, what things are not, and how being cognizant of how those differences can affect your mental well being. You cannot control how others think, but you can control your expectations, your goals and how you channel your energy towards achieving those goals.