Ask HN: Answering interview with major social anxiety, how can I do better?

11 points by quazar987 4 years ago | 12 comments

My English is not great, so please bare with me.

I have been suffering from major social anxiety and depression from my teenage years. College was difficult time but I made it through with friends who always supported me. Now I am working as tech lead at very small company (people who saw my previous work) for very little salary and general consensus from people I have worked with is that I am good developer. But the anxiety is getting better off me.

I am trying to land job at well established remote companies for last few months, answered few interviews but always failed to impress the interviewer. I even shortens my introduction saying "I am a backend developer" for reason I do not know. Truth is coding just one part of my job and I basically handle everything related to tech in the company and handle multiple projects. Codeparing becomes another nightmare where I cannot even think properly and solve simple problems.

2 days ago I answered technical interview from like my dream company, that would have changed my life but instead we ended up just having some discussion, didn't even manage to fix one spec. Actually I know I can fix all of those in like 15 min.

Its making me question my whole career as developer now. Does anyone here been through similar situation ? Any suggestion?

blingojames 4 years ago |

Hi, I have no idea from the psychological point of view, but maybe (a) to practice interviews would help? I don't mind helping with remote simulations. (b) consider saying you are very stressful at the start of the interview so they will take it into account (c) if the interview doesn't go well maybe say you find interviews stressful and ask for an home exam, you can also ask before the interview. (d) maybe have a friend in the room with you during the interview (depending on the camera position they may not see him/her) (e) consider saying in advance you have anxiety, need to consider if telling this will indeed increase the chance of landing the job. (f) consider taking research jobs, and generally jobs where communication isn't constant and job pace is slower, also companies with few people may be good if you don't need to interact with clients etc. (g) does shutting down the camera helps? Maybe tell you have a camera issue or ask if it's possible to do the interview without a camera. (h) usually the more interviews you do, the more experience you get at doing interviews and success chances are higher, I think that applies to anyone, so it's ok to fail interviews, as long as you keep trying you'll probably succeed, as long as you remember failing is a way to improve for the next time, and don't take it as something that says anything negative about your skills or you, I've found interviews to be a subject on its own, one that often needs dedicated practicing.

null_deref 4 years ago | |

I'm not the op, but I personally want to thank you for the considerate response

user_235711 4 years ago |

Beyond the technical aspect, the thing that has helped me the most to not be as anxious before interviews is preparation. Read the job description a few times, and even if you don't have experience with all of the requirements listed (I mean who does) at least familiarize yourself with the technologies so you can talk about them a bit. Check out the company's website so you know what/how they do and why.

Also, this list[0] of common interview questions is a great help. If you have already figured out and practiced your answers to most of these then the interviewer will have less of a chance to catch you off guard with them.

Lastly, write and practice an "elevator pitch"[1] that way "tell me about yourself" or questions like it won't catch you off guard either.

Best of luck getting the job you want! Job hunting and interviewing is very difficult for anyone who is new to it, regardless of their technical skills. I definitely agree with blingojames that interviewing is kind of a subject all its own.

[0] https://www.glassdoor.com/blog/common-interview-questions/

[1] https://www.thebalancecareers.com/elevator-speech-examples-a...

Nextgrid 4 years ago |

Practice could help; you are lucky to have a job where they are happy with you so you don't really have the urgency of landing another position right away. Maybe apply to other companies (even if you don't intend to actually take the position) and practice during those interviews. If you succeed, it'll make you more confident for the next one, if not, no big deal, you have nothing to lose.

With regards to "modern" tech interviews specifically, that has nothing to do with social anxiety per-se, even I can't do these despite 7 years of experience. There are 2 ways to go about this:

1) You embrace the problem and work to solve it. Grind Leetcode or similar resources about bullshit algorithmic interviews until you are good at it.

2) You avoid companies with such bullshit practices. Most companies will let you know in advance what the interview process is like (and if not you can ask), and you can immediately refuse and explain your reasons (they'll often make exceptions for the right candidate especially in a hot market like today).

There was a recent submission about these interview challenges which I suggest you check out: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29804607

pdovy 4 years ago |

Hard to extrapolate from just what you've said here, but:

- This level of anxiety, especially if you experience it in other settings, doesn't sound normal and you might well benefit from some combination of medication and seeing a therapist. Many, many people experience this - it's nothing to be ashamed of and these things can help.

- As others have said, most everyone finds interviewing stressful! That's totally normal. It's also (especially for an introvert) a learned skill that will get better with practice. Don't sweat it too much if your dream company turned you down. Most places will let you re-interview after a certain amount of time, so don't consider it a forever dead end.

burntoutfire 4 years ago |

Is it social anxiety or just anxiety in general? Nothing in what you wrote indicates the social aspect of anxiety. It seems that you just get anxious due to being in high-stakes, high-pressure situation - not because you're being in a social situation (do you get nervous and choke when at a party, or talking to a clerk in a bank? - these are examples of social anxiety).

If it's just general, and fully justified anxiety due to being in high-stakes situation where you have to think on the fly - my advice is that you just need to toughen up. Start putting yourself in situations where you're outside of your comfort zone more often - you'll feel anxiety similar to the one you experience during interviews, and will slowly learn to handle it.

As for the interviewing advice specifically - interviews are free, so you can just do a ton of them to practice. After you do a bunch of them, you'll be able to smoothly introduce yourself and talk about your past work, just thanks to having done that a lot in the past. But, also, practice doing it outside of interviews! Literally prepare to it like you prepare to a presentation you have to do at work. The part of the interview when you introduce yourself and your experience is basically a sales pitch and you have to work on your sales skills to pull it off well enough (You don't have to become a pro sales person, but you definitely have to say more than just "I'm a backend engineer". When I introduce myself during interviews, I generally give a 5-10 minute overview of what I did in my past roles that is related to what the interviewing company's needs).

Also, a nice trick during interviews if you're nervous is to just mention it. If you're visibly underperforming, say something like "sorry, I get nervous during those things" - this will remind the interviewer that you are in fact under a lot of pressure at the moment, and they'll be more likely to help you out if you're stuck, and be more sympathetic to your situation in general.

dokem 4 years ago |

Spend some time going out to the bars and talk to people. Talk to girls and learn how to flirt. Don't just talk to some nerd about nerd things the whole time. Really get out of your comfort zone. The anxiety is from lack of social and conversational experience so go get some experience.

sethammons 4 years ago |

I want to share my interview fail story. It potentially cost me an annual salary that was jaw dropping.

My experience is designing and implementing HA distributed systems at high scale. I rode a unicorn and became a principal engineer after years of work. I conducted many hundreds of interviews as we grew, and specifically dozens and dozens of "implement an lru cache."

My interview question given to me? Yeah, implement an lru cache. My mind absolutely blanked. Like full blank. I can't even explain it. I had to start at first principals and made silly mistakes. I bumbled on the keyboard. I thought I was nervous before we started! Ha!

strikelaserclaw 4 years ago |

ask a doctor, or get some medication, you sound like you are at clinical levels of anxiety

errantmind 4 years ago |

Sounds like you can improve your confidence. People have a sixth sense, of sorts, for confidence and it shows plainly in interviews. If you know you do good work, take some pride in your accomplishments (then temper your pride by knowing you can always continue to improve).

I know this is somewhat vague general advice, but confidence has helped me through many high pressure situations.

bcrl 4 years ago |

Laser tag helped me when I was dealing with social anxiety. Get used to feeling the squirt of adrenaline and start to associate it with good things instead.

tapoxi 4 years ago |

As someone who has/had social anxiety, talk to your doctor. I was put on an SSRI (citalopram) and it changed my life.