Therapy is the best for this kind of thing. Strongly recommended.

I delayed therapy for years, thinking it was for people with "major psych problems" when really, you're just learning how to identify and manage your emotions. While this sounds almost stupidly simple, it's actually extremely hard work that most of us never learn! A good therapist will act like a master coach, helping you through the process, as you learn "how to drive" emotionally.

Finding a good therapist is also hard. And there's very little help for you in that process. Here's some advice I got from a trusted psych, which turned out well for me:

* Use Psychology Today's Find a Therapist tool: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

* Look for therapists who focus on only a few therapeutic orientations (I like CBT)

* Avoid therapists who offer CBT alongside psychodynamic therapy, or family therapy - these are different, largely incompatible modalities

You'll probably have to meet with / call a few before you find someone you click with (which is important). Patience is important. The whole process takes time - took me 2 years of weekly work, but it was tremendously helpful.

Also, exercise. It doesn't have to be anything special / major, just get outside (preferably) and move your body. A walk around the neighborhood is fine. This has a number of positive psych and physical effects.

Be well!

The “root” is likely to be trauma or bad experiences in your past. E.g. bullying, poor parenting, divorce, poverty, neglect, etc. there are many many possibilities.

It’s pretty easy to have these kinds of experience and not be sure how they relate you your current experience.

Knowing what the “root” is helpful over the long term for eventual healing, but over the short and medium term you need support. There are many people here discussing therapy and doing a better job than I can.

Importantly, know that there is a reason you feel this way, and that even if it feels like it’s your fault, you don’t deserve to suffer like this. It is possible to heal, and that will likely be a gradual process that take times and support.

Be as kind to yourself as you can - even a small amount helps, and seek help.

That's a great question. The only author I've ever read that I think comes close to answering your question is a pseudonymous author called "Alone", who wrote the blog The Last Psychiatrist.

Here is one article relevant to your question:

> https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/04/the_abusive_boyfrien...

Here is one article that describes the main lens he uses to look at personality, which is "narcissism":

> https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02/the_other_ego_epidem...

Here is the archive of posts:

> https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/archives.html

In short--to stop suffering from extreme negative thinking, you will need to change your life. To change your life, you will need to live differently. However, living differently is harder than being unhappy. It will always be much easier to endlessly introspect about why you're unhappy than it will be to do the work of changing your life in order to live differently.

Good luck. I would be happy to send you some other primary sources that helped me in my life; my email is in my HN profile, but I may not have had the unique problems you have and could just be another dud.

(The only shot-in-the-dark tip I have for you is to stop hanging out and trusting dishonest people. It is not always easy to recognize when someone is dishonest, but once you've figured it out, don't make excuses to keep trusting them.)

The reason people attend therapy is to answer exactly that question. And if you really want answers and you find the right therapist/psychologist, you will probably find answers.

Um, depression in the clinical sense?

I would recommend exercise. A lot of it. Do things that don't involve comparison. Do things where you travel places but are alone with your thoughts to process things.

GET A BIKE. Hike.

Do a triathlon. There is something about all three sports that integrate three different experiences that makes you work through more of your issues. Swimming is kind of strangely prenatal/sensory deprivation. Biking is speed and wind blowing through your hair and the elements, and a bit of the mechanical world.

Running is the primitive and primeval . Every land things runs. Everything needs to run from something, and run to something.

Triathlon races have a very strong contingent of people that are "just doing it". Because of the jack-of-all trades nature, everyone is inferior to the true single sport pros. Yeah, there is a bit of the narcissist cool bike group. Disregard them.

Also, lift. Being strong in body is strong in mind.

Source: Man was I negative even though I did cross country and pickup basketball. When I started triathlons and I did my first ironman, it was ... different. The world was different. It was carthartic. Not in the dropping to my knees and crying, but damn, something was lifted from my shoulders.

You do even a half ironman, and realize you went SEVENTY miles under your own power, you realize what abilities are locked inside your body.

Hey Tim, can you share a little more? When I clicked on your thread, I was expecting at least a couple of sentences in explanation on your situation. As of now, the only reasonable respond you'll get, is, to go see a therapist - which a couple of people pointed out before me and you should read closely what they wrote. But visiting a therapist and getting an appointment can take a while and HN usually has a lot of good advise to offer what you could do in the meantime to improve your situation. But that'd require a bit more information. If you want to share more, that might give you some valuable insight on how other people dealt with similar situations. If you don't want to tell more about you - which is perfectly fine - but want _additional_ approaches, you can browse previous HN threads [1]. But definitely look after an appointment with a therapist. All the best to you! :)

[1] https://hn.algolia.com/ (don't spend too much time there, it's endless)

Check out CPTSD (Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and Childhood Emotional Neglect. What you describe is very common in people who were emotionally neglected or mistreated as children.

Whatever the motivation behind the question, remember this — there’s no one fits all answer.

Anyone assuming the opposite is either ignorant or trying to sell you something.

Hence the importance of therapy or any activity where you have live human beings trying to figure out your specific issue and your unique circumstances.

Insufficient time spent with your brain attending to your body. One solution is to play futbol.

Insufficient affectionate hugs. One solution is to go folk dancing.

Insufficient time spent listening to people chat about their lives. One solution is to go to church potlucks.

Don't listen to your brain. It will give you a bunch of reasons to be sad, and ruminating about it will only pull you in deeper.

Ensure you have enough of the following: Sunlight, physical activity, sleep.

Set a specific time to sleep and wake. Get a step counter and ensure you are getting at least 10k steps a day. Regular walks during the daytime will help with both sunlight and activity.

After that, work on diet and social activity. If that doesn't fix it, talk to a professional.

I suggest finding a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help you with strategies to improve your thinking patterns and help you work on the origins of your problems. It's life changing, so find a therapist if you can afford it.

Very possibly depression. For most kinds (and there are kinds, nobody is sure how many) there's a pill that fixes it.

There is no way known to discover which kind you have besides trying different pills until you hit on one that works.

I say this as a blanket possibility: Possibly too much screen time doom scrolling.

I’ll take a stab:

Did you have high expectation parents or parents that were difficult to satisfy? Were you around snobby people all your life that were entitled and competitive in social hierarchies (think Mean Girls), justifying their worth via dangerous forms of validation (money, status, vanity, general elitism)? Did you yourself also amass these qualities throughout most of your life, or at least some of them?

A lifetime of being soaked in miserable baths like what I just described will create a disgusting internal dialogue that attacks both inward and outward (you hate yourself, and respect no one).

/signed

A Miserable person that knew many other miserable people.

>most of my life I'm lonely, depressed, anxious, stressed

You answered your question. Change your lifestyle, I know that it is easier said than done but try.