Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion? I am looking for interesting "book recommendations" particularly. Someone told me that they were afraid to share their vulnerabilities with me because they feared I might not be comforting or even give them more anxiety. I have looked up to HN for wisdom over the years and hopefully this ask piques enough interest. |
When we see someone we care about suffering we want to be everything they need, but that's not always possible.
I applaud your plan to work on your ability to comfort and express compassion and hope you find the growth you're looking for, but I just wanted to point out that listening skills and communication strategies may not be the issue here.
For instance, my wife and I can't always understand each other's work problems because we have very different jobs. Meanwhile my boss might be the most compassionate person on earth but I would be uncomfortable discussing personal problems with him.
The core tenet of this approach is that the counsellor is not an expert in the client, the client is.
One of the main things a counsellor must do is offer Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Essentially this is being non judgemental, and unconditionally warm, allowing the client to explore their own feelings.
Sounds simple, but I can testify that it can be hard to achieve, particularly when the client is expressing things that therapist finds uncomfortable or disagrees with.
If you read it and it doesn’t change your life you ping me and I will refund you the money you paid for it.
The Lost Art of Listening, by Michael P. Nichols
https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR15002...
To learn, you actually need to go through hard times yourself. There is no understanding of others unless you can empathize.
That way you learn.
You think you can learn this from books, but it'll end up with you following a scheme you've learned from a book, which does not enable you to magically have empathy. You'll just learn how to fake it.
Instead of a book, I recommend talking to a professional about this.
it is what I am familiar with, be it science, science fiction or fantasy, some of the contents is still valid and good practice regardless of what I believe.
Hypocrisy sounds too harsh. I think we are all too quick to speak. My suggestion would be to listen more and ask more questions.
All of life is sorrow.
Escape from sorrow exists.
Escape from sorrow is attainable.
Escape from sorrow is Nirvana.
Both tongue in cheek and for real. If you don't know why, ask someone else.
This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem.
I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this way with you because those solutions aren't what they are looking for and it just creates more stress. The person can feel attacked, like they're being forced to justify how they feel.
This has taken me many years to get better at, and I still suck at it, but it’s improved for sure.
The ability to just listen to what other people open up to you about and not give your personal view or wisdom on every single thing is akin to an actual super power in the modern work place.
Train your mind to not come up with a reply while listening, as that will limit how much of what you are hearing is actually registered. The speaker will also subconsciously pick up on body cues indicating how well or badly you are listening.
Being quiet is good but it has to be a component in a broader strategy. The point is still to help people solve their problems; just to have humility enough to realise that it is impossible to know what someone's problems are until they have told you. Guessing other people's problems has a bad success rate. I think the really enlightened strategy is understanding that everyone wants everyone around them to be successful and then being effective at bringing that out into the open and welding a community together.
Listening helps with 1, active listening helps with 2. (And sometimes, not validating some feeling or emotion that seems inappropriate for the situation, without offering advise, also helps.)
I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it.
In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off".
And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern me and I won't ask anymore".
In general, I overthink those thinks and too quickly think that it's something with me related. I think mentioning that they can say: "it doesn't concern you" makes me more comfortable that it's not related to me and that they don't want to talk about it too.
Often I think this is unnecessarily confrontational and it can come off as aggressive. Here are three useful "hacks" for humans:
1. Just sit there and say nothing. People naturally want to fill that empty void so will start talking. Just engage on whatever subject they bring up; or
2. Alternatively, make a general uncontroversial statement. This has to be tailored to the situation. Your interests, their interests and context. Something like "I can't believe how crazy the NFL postseason was this year"; or
3. Ask a noncontroversial question. Yes/no questions tend to be worse than non-binary questions. A good template here is "How do you feel about X?" where X isn't something like "Trump" but is more like "boneless wings being chicken nuggets".
For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Although written with another purpose in mind, Never Split the Difference also emphasises over and over how to acknowledge what people are feeling without adding judgment.
As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/
But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empathizing with your friend’s situation that they don’t feel safe sharing with you).
The tools above will just help you feel into what’s already there.
1) Mind Training: The Great Collection translated by Thupten Jinpa. - A large collection of Texts.
2) Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life translated by Thupten Jinpa - A subset of texts from The Great Collection above.
3) Words of My Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism by Patrul Rinpoche - Relevant instruction manual.
Empathy, Compassion, Comfort require fundamental changes to one's psyche and behaviour to be authentic and this is where the above texts are helpful. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.
https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liber...
Anymore you can share?
Few techniques that I found helpful:
- Actively listening. Keeping any input you might have till the end.
- Repeat what you understood back to people - mirroring.
- Ask open-ended questions. Just be genuinely curious. Don't show any judgement.
- Be vulnerable first for them to open up and share their vulnerability.
- Often the solution is just listening. Suggest solutions only when explicitly asked for.
As mentioned by others, Non-violent Communication is an amazing book about the subject.
A comment about the book NVC. Often people get stuck in the implementation details of the book's recommended way of communicating. When X happens I feel Y, could you Z? But there is so much more to it than that.
One needs to be self-aware. To know more precisely:
a) What actually happened, seeing reality as it is without their interpretation.
b) What they are feeling
c) What needs do they have
d) Concrete actions to resolve a conflict
How these things are communicated is important but still, but the awareness of these components is often overseen.
That is why meditation is often recommended. It is easier to be a better communicator if you are more aware of your feelings, thoughts, and your current environment. Really being present.
- Practice active listening.
- You're not there to solve the problem, just to listen. Listening is good enough.*
You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Don't be dismissive, you're not trying to stop the conversation. Tone matters here.
Careful about making it all about you though...
Agreed!
Asking helps me clarify to myself the possible goals (and make it explicit that "just" listening is a valid goal). Even if you don't ask thinking about the question is a nice way to remind yourself that you don't need to solve it for them.
My experience has been that women appreciate this question - I think that most men tend to jump into problem-solving mode and actually being asked is a nice change (here in the U.S.)
And of course there's this 2 minute video to memorably highlight the idea :)
Empathy starts with listening and continues with making a safe space for someone to share deeper feelings.
Passing judgement, problem solving, or dominating the conversation are anti patterns.
I was lucky to get some management training in active listening at a past job. It felt like common knowledge to me but thru training and practicing at work I was surprised to see how uncommon following the fundamentals are in the workspace.
Often everyone is too “busy” and “results oriented” to communicate clearly and to make time to actually listen to one another.
You need to understand when it is a one way or two way communication.
When the other person is having a monologue and is sharing something concerning to them, or even just some neutral event that happened during the day, you just listen attentively like you would when listening to someone reading a book for you. Then you stay within a "tell me more" response.
When the situation requires a dialogue, however, you stay within the proximity of shared experiences. Here you don't venture into advice space unless the other part explicitly requests that.
It takes a relationship where things can be off loaded in more manageable pieces. Boundaries are easier to set as well when both sides only move a few inches in each direction. If you are given too much info, you’ll just punt the football back 50 yards into ‘I can’t deal with all of this’.
With all that said, very few average people have the incentive to take on something like this. You would need an intimate relationship, but even there, even parents, best friends or SO’s can be overwhelmed.
Don’t even try this shit with coworkers. But if you must, you have to keep the topics very scoped and piecemeal. Just like project management.
I am speaking mostly from the baggage-dropping side.
Try to see different people and communities.
I'll risk and say books will not help you develop those qualities but teach you how to look like you have them. It's not the same. To feel it you need to see the world outside of comfortable shell.
What's also been really helpful for me was when I began seeing a therapist. These are skilled professionals, and if you listen carefully, you can hear how they craft their words to foster connection. You might be able to take inspiration from the way they lead and listen during conversations.
I learned a meditation from there called Tonglen. It’s hardcore. I have only done it a few times in my life but it really made me want to help alleviate suffering from other people a lot more after doing that a few times.
The whole book is also littered with scientific studies about meditation. So it can explain things clearly to very sceptical minds, like mine ;)
Note: This "use case" is written if the OP has to handle someone suffering from traumatic experiences that can be considered out the norm and even extreme.
My only credentials is that I have spent a lot of time in psychiatric care and in hospitals.
It is quite helpful to have been there and done that. Both specifically and in a larger sense.
It is hard to understand the mindset and the internals of having to deal with something highly traumatic unless you have experienced it yourself.
You can learn about it from reading a book sure but it is at an abstract. It doesn't fill the colors, the anguish, the sights you cant get rid of.
Exposure and repetition can also help. If you are a psychologist who have worked with people in deep despair over time and multiple cases you can start to put more puzzle pieces together.
If you ask if a person "wants to talk about it" and the person says no. No means no. Try to find some activity or topic entirely unrelated, or just give the person space.
If someone does want to talk about it. Sit down, shut up, clear your brain, and listen closely. Be prepared for what might be a horrible story. Be prepared for details you would prefer not to hear. Be prepared for crying, angry outbursts.
Platitudes can help and can be destructive. Depending on the person. Sometimes it can help if the person is responsive. Sometimes it can spike anger. If the person responds negatively just stop with the platitudes full stop.. Then listen closely, imagine where the person is mentally, mostly keep quiet but see if you can say something relevant to where the person is.
Overall it takes time. Not just a conversation. Many conversations, Always wait until the person seems to indicate further interaction, . Dont nag about it. That is unwise.
- No judging
The active listening you can learn from books (there are good book recommendations here already).
No judging is just practice (or if you prefer, practice _suspending judgement_)
What you do with it, THAT's what can create problems. Emotionally immature people who judge and act on that, those are stupid.
I don't care if the person next to me is a jew, black, chinese, a fucking nazi, as long as he doesn't bother me or piss off anyone else.
Yes, even fucking nazis. There's actually decent (it's a long stretch, but yeah) nazis out there and I tolerate them as "normal people" as long as they don't start talking about it, trying to spread their bullshit.
Would it be weird sitting next to one? Yeah! Do I have to respect his rights as long as he doesn't - directly or indirectly - try interfering with mine/others? Yeah!
This is literally impossible, you cannot be a decent human when you think others are subhuman because they are coloured a different shade from you. If you're willing to ignore that, that's your prerogative. But don't sell that as "well they're decent humans when you get to know them!" because this is fundamentally impossible.
Listen to people. When they tell you they don't want to share in most cases you really don't want to know or have anything to do with what they don't want to share. Especially if you have intentions that basically sum up to a savior complex. They have information that you don't and based on that they decided it will not help your relation to get into that. Why not just accept that?
Non-violent communication and Active Listening come to mind immediately - I'd recommend a course for the former over books. There's a lineage of coaches in that field who are really great.
I've written an intro to active listening, not a book, but hopefully can inspire you: https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/
Try to remove (or reserve) all your instincts to judge or evaluate their actions and just focus on listening to people with the premise that their problems, to them, are just as real and important to them as yours are to you.
Remember that essentially all people have a personal narrative where they are the aggrieved hero of the story trying to do the right thing while challenged by outside forces.
Try to listen and understand how and why they feel that way about themselves. They’ll be able to tell.
So, if someone shares something personal and upsetting with you, let's say you feel anxious (which led to your friend feeling anxious): that's ok! you're having a very natural reaction to a stressful stimuli. But instead of betraying that feeling in your face and a shift in tone, instead try to observe it, acknowledge it head-on, and identify its causes, e.g. "when you told me [X],I noticed that I felt anxious, and I think I am looking for some clarity. Would you mind telling me more about [Y]?" That's a simple version, but in general, I found it very helpful for connecting to others.
For a previous HN thread on NVC: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894
2 ears, 1 mouth.
Listen more than you speak. Make conversations about them, not you. You do that through listening more than talking.
As for book recommendations: Brene Brown, Stoicism (Meditations, Letters, etc), How To Win Friends And Influence People, Robert Greene, and many many more.
Personally, I prefer what can be demonstrably shown via past behavior combined with a sense of charity.
What described above I've seen happen, but mostly with beginners or people that use this new found ideas as agenda but without actually connecting with the other, expecting miracles or use NVC as a tool for policing. Or people that were already manipulative in the first place, but now just try to use NVC.
It can also come off as manipulative in an already unhealthy situation, where the relationship consists of so much mistrust that bringing anything new to the table is frowned upon and already met with suspicion.
My personal take away from it was to ensure that I prevent destructive communication and prevent blame using words things like "You should have" because they don't give the other tools to work with and actually address the problem at hand. For me the bottom line of the book was that us expressing our emotions and needs to allow the other, if willing, to actually address the problem at hand. It also made me see that sometimes effective communication was blocked because I had to deal with my own things first.
Communication, empathy, and time to actually listen, is something that unfortunately in my culture isn't thought as a core skill.
That said, NVC can be a really powerful tool if used with proper delicacy however. The idea of listening, reflecting verbally what and that you heard and then speaking from your perspective with clear markers without aggression can be a very strong way of having challenging conversations.
https://learningenglish.voanews.com/amp/a-simple-sentence-wi...
This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. But it seems like it would be ineffective and/or annoying to people who are not familiar with it or do not believe in it.
I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situations in which it is more likely to work well? Are there tenets from NVC that work universally, regardless of the disposition of the people involved?
There are many "systems" of communication. Another one is the book Crucial Conversations and many online courses. Similar, there are some things that will work everywhere, but a lot that doesn't seem to go so smooth.
There are certain other things that pretty much universally help (listening to another person, for instance). Not being aggressive with your words, keeping yourself calm.
The best luck I've seen is learning a style of communication and then sharing it with those who matter.
But at the end of the day it is a framework for clear, effective communication that guides the practitioner to:
1) Ask for things that they might be given.
2) To investigate how other people are responding to what they observe.
If NVC doesn't work with a communication partner, the next best option is not to communicate. Other strategies are basically forced to either ask for things that can't be given and to ignore other people's responses. Neither of those is a clever approach to relationships.
Non sequiter, but addressing a common mistake, it isn't "Nice, Nonviolent Communication". In theory it'd be possible to tell someone that you're about to murder them while still applying the NVC principles. It is misnamed.
In situations where you have a gathering of people with very little charisma and they're all trying to not hate each other, it just won't work. Because nothing will work - this is how groups of people are.
That said, I would never say that in a work context. In a work context I would tell two people with a conflict that they cannot solve together to request mediation from someone that I already know is charismatic :)
Read the book! There's a story of someone using it successfully while someone is literally physically attacking them (and it stops the attack).
> I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situations in which it is more likely to work well? Are there tenets from NVC that work universally, regardless of the disposition of the people involved?
Compassionate listening and communicating your needs clearly are skills that are useful in all situations. NVC is just one nice framework for that.
A lot of it really depends on how you say the: "If it's private, just say stfu and I will not ask anymore".
It can be funny and disarming. It means that you want to know what is going on and that they should have no problems with saying that they don't want to talk about it. It doesn't translate well to written text.
In a lot of cases, you don't need to follow-up anymore and they will talk from their own. They are aware that you won't ask anymore, without them going forward on initiating the talk.