Ask HN: How does one move on after a divorce?

9 points by DevToRecruiter 4 years ago | 18 comments

She was my first and currently only relationship. I have two kids with her. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I’m not religious but our marriage felt sacred. It’s been 4 years and I’m still going through hell. I tried telling myself I didn’t love her but I still do. We have no contact except regarding the kids. It’s eating me alive.

I’m in talk therapy and have tried many other therapies so far without any success. I’m not in an emotional space where I can even “replace” her and even if I was that doesn’t seem healthy.

There’s this piece of me that’s holding on to what could have been and I don’t know how to let go. Does anyone have experience in dealing with this?

I know this isn’t typical HN. But I’ve posted an emotional support questions here in the past with great success.

simonblack 4 years ago |

It was a lot sooner for me than 4 years, it was only about 3 months when I asked her during a phone call whether it was worthwhile me waiting for us to get back together again. She said 'No'. So it was like a switch being flicked. I moved on past there.

Mind you, your ex-wife has more or less said the same thing to you by actually getting the divorce already.

Face it. It's over. She doesn't (can't !!) matter to you any more. Turn the page. Burn your bridges. Step out the back, Jack. I was 42 when I had to start again. Let me tell you that old saying is correct: "Life begins at 40!."

You need to work on your lowish self-esteem. It's what's telling you that there can't be anybody else after her. But yes there can. Read up on some books regarding how couples split up. A good one for me (but 30 years ago) was a book called 'Passages' by Gail Sheehy, which explained what mental and emotional changes occur in people as they get older and go through the various stepping-stones of life. I was able to see why my wife left me too. And also to understand that the marriage break-up wasn't all my fault but was due to both of us.

Oh, my story? Almost exactly 12 months later I moved in with a woman who I later married. We've been together now for 34 years.

torstenvl 4 years ago |

There's a CBT technique called reframing. When you have powerful automatic emotional responses, try to reframe them in a more balanced way.

When a relationship ends, there is a loss, often a deep one. And because cognitive dissonance is hard, we automatically reinforce rather than balance that feeling of loss. So right now you're focusing on how this is terrible and a major negative in your life and how wonderful she was - catastrophizing the breakup rather than coping with it.

Try making a list of everything that you didn't like about her and the relationship. Also make a list of everything you don't like about the future potential of that relationship. Remind yourself of the things on these lists regularly. A key one to include: given that she ended things "abruptly" you likely feel abandoned. So let me ask you this: knowing what you know now about her, do you think she'd stay by your bedside when you're on your deathbed? However bad it is to be abandoned now, it's much worse to be abandoned when you're alone and scared.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-recover-fr...

DevToRecruiter 4 years ago | |

this is really helpful. thank you

mbrodersen 4 years ago |

The first step is to accept that she doesn’t love you anymore and you will never be together again. The longer you refuse to accept this, the longer it will take for you to move on. Accepting the hurtful reality is very very hard. But it is a necessary step to move on. If you don’t, you will continue living in emotional limbo the rest of your life.

DevToRecruiter 4 years ago | |

I know you're right but just reading what wrote makes me feel queasy. Things ended so abruptly im not sure that we dont still love each other. There's a good chance that I'm fooling myself though. ughh

mbrodersen 4 years ago | | |

You are fooling yourself. It is clear she doesn’t love you.

Life is sometimes unfair, cruel, and painful. Accept it. And do the best you can with the time you have left. If you don’t you will continue to suffer for no good reason.

This might help:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/therapy-types/acceptance-...

simmerup 4 years ago |

I believe you'll have to train yourself to recognize two things as facts:

The first, is that whatever you believed you loved about her was just in your head. Her actions have proven she's not the woman you thought she was, so your dreams about the type of life you could have with her are just that; dreams. A phantasm of your imagination that you'll need to let go of. What you think she is and what she actually is are two entirely different things.

The second is that whatever you felt for her, you can feel for someone else. You'll find another person you care about. She isn't the only one.

Whenever you start pining for her, try to remember these things and cut yourself off from any dreams of reconciliation; remind yourself of the facts of the situation and move on.

samh748 4 years ago |

You seem like a very loving and emotional person. I love the HN crowd but I don't know if their rational approach is going to be suitable for you.

I've sent you a message via twitter already, but if you're interested, take a peak at my other post [1]. Would love to have a more sustained, understanding conversation with you.

All the best, Sam

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31065876

foobarbaz33 4 years ago |

I was in a relationship that was a basically a marriage without the paperwork. About 4 years after the breakup I didn't miss her so much.

Time dulls grief.

meheleventyone 4 years ago |

Recognise how you feel, recognise how she feels (really, truly rather than what serves you) and think about how a dysfunctional relationship will affect your kids. Getting dumped sucks but there are loads of future relationships out there.

chewz 4 years ago |

It takes time. More then four years. Sometimes ten years or more.

But one day the the pain will end. And you will be able to look back without overwhelming feelings. What is important is that you will not do too much damage to yourself in the meantime.

DevToRecruiter 4 years ago | |

Thanks, that what it feels like to me. I’ve survived over the last few years by leaning into the hatred for what she’s done to our family. Now that seems to have subsided and I’m left with the pain of knowing we will never be a family again. it feels like it will go on forever and I find my mind coming up with fanciful stories to subdue the pain but it doesn’t work anymore. The truth hurts so much.

jjtheblunt 4 years ago |

is there no notion that every cloud has a silver lining, and perhaps the search for what might be a silver lining, even if no candidate silver linings seem apparent, could itself be therepeutic?

PaulHoule 4 years ago |

How did you end up breaking up?

DevToRecruiter 4 years ago | |

It was very abrupt. Our marriage was difficult but I always believed we could figure it out. I think we both felt exactly the same way about each other at the end. She filed for divorce.

nerdyadventurer 4 years ago | | |

> Our marriage was difficult

If you do not mind can you explain this bit more? it is not clear what the reason for divorce?

sn00tz00t 4 years ago |

foids are evil

robocat 4 years ago | |

Flagged: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/femoid#English

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html