I don't get why going to movies is seen as a thing you should do with your friends. You're not supposed to be talking during it, and if you are, you're annoying everyone around you. Unless the plan is to go to the movie and then get a meal at which point you can discuss it after. But otherwise, I pretty much only go to movies alone.

Funnily enough when I travel alone I do this all the time and think nothing of it. When I was younger I used to frequently sup alone before going to a concert or a party (that wasn't expected to have food). Rarely went to a movie alone, and now that I've experienced home surround sound I can't go back...

> why there's so much anxiety from the author about doing things alone

Not only alone, but other to me quite absurd fears replace those when being "together":

> I don’t need to stress about the check, ordering the same thing as someone else, or being judged by coworkers. I’m free to read, write, eavesdrop, order, and eat as slowly as I please.

I can understand some.. fortunately aging really taught "noone gives a shit" - and if they do you often just should care even less!! ÷) (sure it depends, some etiquette makes sense.. don't disgust others etc..)

I believe the introvert/extrovert divide also plays a role here. Some people in general can't be alone or they feel their energy is draining (extroverts), whereas others - I guess those who love to dine alone - feel their batteries recharged during alone time.

People watching. It's my favorite time. No drink (but tea); no phone. Become aware of the environment and experience.

I used to bring a book or a notepad and pen.

Yeah, I've postulated this for a while now too. It seems that people that NEED to be with other people have a big hole in their soul. Listening to the facebook founder on Joe Rogan reminded me of this, with his bogus stories about all his friends, and how he does all this stuff with all his friends. No one with real friends talks like that. He sounded like a cult leader, or like a robot or something. It was extremely evident when he was saying things like, "Me and my friends just love to go out and wrestle around on the mats." referring to BJJ. It was so awkward. They are the ones that try to alone shame others as well. Jerks.

Maybe I'm debating semantics, but I enjoy going to bars alone. I wouldn't go to a club alone though. Maybe it's more accurate to say I enjoy going to the pub alone. It depends on what each type of bar means to you I suppose.

I'm more akin to what the author describes: doing it primarily while traveling for work. I usually sit at the bar, have a pint and a basket of some sort of greasy finger food. I'd say 3/4 the time I find myself in smalltalk with others near me, or even the bartender. I'm not an incredibly social person either but I've found practically every experience doing it enjoyable. Doubly so since I'm travelling. Talking with others on their travels or the locals is great ways to find other things to do if you find yourself with the time to spare. Quick Edit: Airport bars are great some of the best for this experience imo. I've met some incredible individuals for the 10 minutes we share a space.

The one thing I like about being in a large city: chances are you'll never see those people again, so who cares what they think of you.

yet we're all wondering about others and ourselves :)

I love eating alone - it's a rare treat for me. My suggestion is to always sit at the bar if you can. I feel like many of the social norms at a table don't apply at the bar - I don't feel bad reading my kindle, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying my meal in solitude.

The bartenders don't care at all, and will happily leave you alone - and I don't feel guilty about occupying a table.

Don't think about "people". Think about individuals. Any person judging you for eating out alone isn't worth your time anyway. How petty do you have to be to sit there and judge someone for that?

Nobody actually thinks anything about it other than the folk who're insecure about dining alone. I've been married for a decade and regularly dine alone simply because I'm travelling for work. Thousands of people do the same.

This would send my anxiety skyrocketing to be honest.

Would rather just have them clear the second place - which makes me wonder if the difference is tables that are set before you seat vs tables that are empty before you sit down.

Given how important social eating is to you, I think you're lucky you have roommates that eat with you.

I've lived in many different places in shared housing most of my adult life so far, and everyone cooked and ate separately. Thinking back this is true in all the different places I lived - shared meals were exceptional special occasions. Even when everyone I lived with were my friends, each did their own thing.

There were places I visited or stayed a few weeks on travels where the household ate together, which was nice to see, but I've never lived with a group like that. It sounds like it could be nice.

Two people use the same amount of table and significantly less than twice the waitstaff attention as compared to a single person. Singles cost more to serve.

This is a pretty tone-deaf response. If you rarely get an hour alone, that means you're around others all the time, most likely a family and some good friends. While the poster you responded to is a solitary, lonely person. For you, dining alone is a respite, for him it is an amplification of his loneliness. Your inability to conceive of such a person and your brushing aside of his feelings is the exact thing that makes loneliness painful.

You watch Netflix in a restaurant?

I was in a relationship for 18 years.

Not always, until the quietness and boredom sets in. You can only play games/watch YT/reddit/HN for so long.

I love being alone in the forest, though. I seek solitude on back logging roads -- places where people don't normally hike because it isn't 'pretty'.

Being alone in that context is freeing.

Can't see where OP phrased it that way. What I read was "Eating out alone really hurts." This person was expressing feelings, not passing judgment.

Is sharing one's feelings really a bad thing?

No, I don't experience the judgement effect.

Ended a very long relationship.

I do this sometimes, just have random conversations with strangers. You’ve gotta be able to read their expressions and see if they’re interested. Sometimes people just aren’t in a talking mood, sometimes they are. Maybe just say “hey, what’re you gonna order?” Or something like that, and they’ll react one of two ways:

1. “Oh idk yet” (this means stop talking to me)

2. “Oh well I was looking at the shrimp, but the tofu also sounds good, I usually go for fish… etc etc” (this means keep talking)

If they react like #1 (short and not as interested, body language is turned away) then just smile and leave them be, no big deal. Just don’t keep talking at that point or you’ll just be annoying. Nothing personal, they just aren’t in the mood.

But a lot of the times, their eyes will light up, they’ll turn towards you, and they’ll tell you some more details like #2. This is where you ask more questions — “Oh, do you come here often? Do you live in the area? What other restaurants do you like? Have you seen the dolphins today?” And from that point, just see where it takes you.

Sometimes it’s just a quick 2 minute conversation and you don’t have much in common, so you just say “Ok well I hope you have a great rest of your night!” …But sometimes you get a response like “Oh the shrimp here is good, reminds me of a dish I got in Spain”, and you’ve been to Spain before so you go into more details about that! And it just takes off.

You’ve gotta just pay attention and be willing to stop talking if you run out of things to talk about, but sometimes you’ll have a lot in common and be able to dig deeper into shared stories and stuff.

Really it just takes practice, but nobody reasonable will be upset if you just kick off a quick chat & know when to stop if they’re uninterested.

If the restaurant has one, sitting at the bar is a pretty solid way to strike up conversations. There's a whole laundry list of mundane conversations starters, like "Whatchya drinking?" (followed by an offer to buy a round, often), or "Know how the X is?" etc.

Or restaurants with bench seating (popular amongst pizzerias and German restaurants around here), exchanging a few pleasantries with people sitting next to you sometimes starts a full conversation.

If you're at a restaurant and either sitting at the bar or at a communal table, it can be pretty easy to strike up a conversation. I mean sure, not every new connection is going to end up being a lifelong friendship or your soulmate, but exchanging numbers (or more likely, Instagram handles) with people at coffee shops or casual eateries is pretty common.

If you're wondering how to start a conversation, a compliment goes a long way.

“nobody really gives a shit about you.”

This realization helped me a lot with social anxiety. For a long time I believed that everybody was watching and judging me. This made it very hard to go out and do things. It was a relief to be able to let go of this belief.

>At most, people will glance and exchange a few words upon noticing you

It's a surprise to me seeing this offered as a comfort, since I think it would be slightly mortifying to most people in the subset you're addressing.

> this perspective comes with age

Absolutely. I regret how much of my teens and early 20s I missed out on because of caring what other people think. But I guess it's rather normal. I guess that also explains the whole 'old naked guy in the shower room' trope...the older you get, the less you care.

Regardless, I'm trying to instill this in my 10 year old's head, but it's probably fruitless. She asks 'dont you feel embarrassed' when I go out in public with a grease stain, or messed up hair, or my trusty crocs.

I agree with this. I find it so weird that there exists a strong cultural stereotype with a narrative that young people are more independent minded and rebellious. I can very often predict the opinion people in their 20's with very few prior data points. However I find myself much more reserved when opening new conversations with middle aged folks since I'm so often surprised by their humor, independent thoughts, and unique experience.

I suppose I'm stating the obvious, but I had a very noticeable youth bias when I was in college and into my early 20's and really needed to be shaken out of it.

You name it yourself - emotions, nothing more. Dont be a slave to them, telling you what to do, how to behave, how to think. You will end up with tons of regrets later in life, 100% guaranteed.

Let sinergy of cold hard facts (aka rationality) and emotions drive your life. You will make best decisions like that, and they will stand the test of time. Also this way you dont end up easily as an arrogant ahole who just doesnt think about any consequenced.

Just do it may not be enough if you are not there yet, but once you are, you will understand why its true. Or life is too short to XYZ, or whatever else clicks with you.

Some restaurants really feel like they’re designed for date nite and I guess I could see feeling out of place.

But bars and diners are often “working” food and so you’ll see people alone all the time.

For those that care about being obviously alone at a table surrounded by couples, there’s an easy solution— just sit at the bar

It's true; even if you've seen the film, sometimes watching other's reactions can be pretty entertaining!

Feels very much like one of those "how do you reason a person out of a belief that they hold without reason?" type things.

There's generally no objective reason for someone to have the aversion besides their own self-created mental barriers. In which case the solution quite practically is "get over yourself and try it". If the person's social anxiety is high enough that such advise is poor and inactionable they probably should be working with therapy and not writing general advise blogs.

Back to the primary subject though, it seems our author even recognizes this:

>But with practice, I’m starting to become more comfortable with dining alone and even enjoy it. It has its own charms, and I think everyone should do it once in a while.

So it does seem quite literally that simple. Even to our author.