Ask HN: Managing Aging Parents Finances?

2 points by ksj2114 3 years ago | 2 comments

My father has dementia and I have had to step in to manage his financial life, and there are a bunch of inconveniences with this process (nothing major, but certainly a hassle). Would love to hear if anyone is facing similar problems and what they've found works well

Problem 1 - He lives across the country, so I am not in person with him / don't have access to his computer

Problem 2 - He's constantly forgetting user ids and passwords and changing them (and increasingly accounts have 2FA), so if I want to monitor his accounts its very difficult / sometimes impossible to log in, and many services don't have "view only" access. I have joint access to some services / accounts but not others.

Problem 3 - He's increasingly naive to scams (email, phone etc), which means that he either should not have access to all his accounts or I should be monitoring them closely (probably the former).

Problem 4 - His balance of stocks / bonds / cash etc is likely not "optimal" for his age / health / expenses etc.

Problem 5 - On various days he has varying levels of cognitive ability. On a bad day he will write someone a check and not know or remember why, on a good day he can create a new bank account or open a new credit card

Problem 6 - There are a bunch of things I need to do for him / at least make sure are done - housing payments, taxes, random government payments (i.e., paying tickets), etc.

Would love to hear if anyone has a process to help with this.

remote_phone 3 years ago |

My mother died of dementia.

Let me tell you, it doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t get better. It only gets worse every day. Be prepared for an absolute shitshow. Dementia isn’t just forgetting stuff. It’s progressive brain damage that leads to things like them not being able to care for themselves, becoming incontinent and being unable to swallow. The financial situation is the least of your worries but also the greatest of your worries because there are no facilities that are affordable that let your dad live his last years of his life with dignity. If you haven’t already I suggest reading up on it and the effects that dementia had on their caretakers.

Are you the only one available to take care of him? Does he not have family around him to take care of him? He will not be able to survive on his own in a few years, if not already.

You need to get power of attorney over his finances. That means you control everything. Depending on where he is at, and what you can afford, he will need to be in medical care in a few years. It can either be in a memory facility with full care which is very expensive, or you can try taking care of him yourself but you will still need to hire a nurse to bathe him as he becomes incontinent, or brush his teeth, etc. If where you live has universal health care like Canada, you’ll find that it’s really not helpful and your own cheaper options are basically mental institutions that are horrible. But the waitlist is years long so you need to be prepared for this.

My absolute condolences to you, your dad and your family. Dementia is the cruelest diseases. If I find myself going down this path I will definitely commit suicide to relieve the burden from my family. In Canada they won’t let you end your life with medical assistance if you have dementia which is governmental stupidity to the extreme. If anything people with dementia need that option more than anyone because it will never get better.

nradov 3 years ago |

I can only help with problem 2. You need to get yourself added as an additional signatory on his accounts. This may require physically going to a bank branch with him. Then you should be able to create separate user accounts without logging in to your father's profile.

For the other problems you're probably going to have to establish a conservatorship. Consult an attorney in your father's state who has experience in elder law.