The One Thing I Can’t Stand About Teaching English in Japan (2019)(geekstravelinjapan.wordpress.com) |
The One Thing I Can’t Stand About Teaching English in Japan (2019)(geekstravelinjapan.wordpress.com) |
So there appears to be a misunderstanding here. The enthousiastic-seeming politeness of one culture has accidentally convinced someone from a different culture that there was more emotional connection than there really was.
Just don't fall for it. It's mostly for show. Excessive politeness at a mass cultural level like that is simply an obligation. But this teacher doesn't understand that and, perhaps being a little more prone than average even in her own culture to forming emotional attachments with students, is misunderstanding what is happening.
Imagine you walk into one of those restaurants where people are super enthousiastic about you, with big hellos and showy gestures and maybe even some singing. But it doesn't mean you've formed a deep emotional bond with them. It's for show, that's just their baseline.
People everywhere in the world only have so much emotional bandwidth for strangers, but the difference in default displayed politeness level might make for some misunderstandings between cultures.
For example he would ask them if they wanted to go to lunch and they would say yes, but still be at their desk working. He asks again after a minute of awkward silence if they're ready to go, and they keep saying "yes one minute" and yet keep working until he gives up and goes away.
If so, how do people quit their jobs then, or do break-ups? They just never do or do they just disappear over night?
Looks like it used to be lifetime and now that is changing.
If they ghost, you keep charging them until they decide to cancel the contract.
Just like how a doctor will charge a cancellation fee, you could probably do that as well / instead.
Or up-front payments for x classes.
I think Japanese people would be very receptive to this information and the $ incentive to let them know you're serious about it.
I ask because if not then it's going to be difficult to go first. If yes, any idea how it influences behaviour?
I had some thoughts on how I'd deal with ghosting if I were a teacher in Japan. I do not have enough exposure to Japanese culture to know how well it would work.
* Change lesson duration from open ended to a fixed time period where students would have an option to "renew" based on their preference and progress.
* Provide a number of acceptable and "common" reasons to end study students can use in an effort to reduce shame. Reasons as simple as "I have met my goals as a student."
* Educate students early on on how to end their studies and present it as a part of the process and not shameful experience.
This is why “bless your heart” and “fuck you” can mean the same thing in different places.
Alternatively this didn’t happen in places where conflict tended to be resolved with fights that didn’t escalate to killing.
(P.S. Something seems a little off about your username, but I can't put my finger on wha tit is.)
"Sorry, $student, but I am unfortunately unable to continue being your teacher. [Personalized summary of student's progress, pleasantries, etc. go here.]" x $no_of_students
Simple. Effective. Exemplary.
Edit: I am totally available to teach English to Japanese students. Ghosting acceptable! No money down!
Cultural differences?
This is a freelance teacher who is responsible for finding her own clients and managing her own schedule. If you let them know that you won't be taking any more lessons, they can find another student. If you lie to them and they think you'll be back for your lesson next week, they aren't going to look for another student to fill your time slot. So when you don't show up, you've just cost them to opportunity to earn money from someone else.
If I were in the same situation, I would absolutely institute a policy of continuing to bill for the student's time slot until they formally cancel services. Given the level of conflict avoidance being practiced here, I foresee such a policy being quite profitable.
It's just a basic level of respect to not waste others time with wondering if it's over or not.
https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-bet...
Example: if you ghost your teacher without quitting that's inconsiderate, and calling it "saving face" is saving face.
If that's the author's preference (fair enough), then Japan is not the right place for them (in that respect). Intercultural Communication 101. Either learn to deal with it and stop taking it personally, or move somewhere else. (Or, sure, go on a one-person quest to change Japanese culture - what could go wrong.)
Given that the post mentions the author's pregnancy and miscarriage, I'm pretty sure it's "she".
Like by all means if they are crushed by this, see a specialist, but a little pang of sadness hardly seems like an unreasonable reaction requiring a mental health professional.
The goal of therapy isn't to make you immune from all negative emotions.
It seems the author actually understands the local customs, but couldn't accept it emotionally.
Did she? She indicated politeness likely plays a role but didn't get into the specifics of Japanese politeness that results in this.
The primary "you need to understand this" difference about Japan rejection, IME, is that Japanese people readily accept anything other than an explicit yes as a clear no. Your average westerner tends to be really delusional about this, and the even the ones who accept it (like the author, apparently) are still hurt when it happens. Like, this sentence:
> “I’m sick today. I can’t make the lesson. I’ll contact you later”
Is practically a cliché of a Japanese rejection. This is a country where people will show up to an obligation half-dead, and absolutely never cancel something important at the last minute. If someone flakes on you with an excuse of sickness -- particularly if they don't apologize PROFUSELY and attempt to reschedule -- just accept that it's done. Anyone who has been in the country more than a few weeks has experienced this, and you'd have to be willfully obtuse not to pick it up.
(to be clear: I don't think OP is being obtuse. I think she's venting for catharsis, which is fine.)
I think what you meant was 'literal translation'. Sorry if this seems like a nitpick but these terms mean completely different things.
To be fair, I would expect that HN would have a bit more sympathy for the fact that the ambiguity means that she has to hold open a "schedule slot" that she could otherwise sell to somebody else.
My friend teaches guitar and has to deal with this all the time. "I'd like to cancel the lesson." "That's great, but you still need to pay for it." "WHAT!?!?" "Look. You aren't just paying for being taught guitar. You are also paying for that 4:00PM Wednesday time slot that everybody in the universe wants."
You’re assuming that in the experiences she had with those students, it was their politeness that she interpreted as friendship. It’s also possible that she can discern between politeness and friendship and was seeing genuine friendship.
Empirical observation #2: That student didn't contact her later including not replying to emails she sent afterwards.
There's also a direct consequence of empirical observation #2: The lessons could not continue.
Assumption #1: The student pretended to be sick. This student could have been actually sick. We have no evidence either way.
Assumption #2: Your definition of "genuine friend" is the same as the teacher's definition and the student's.
Assumption #3: Using the term "obviously" shows that you've assumed that I (or possibly anyone reading this) have the same cultural values and definitions needed to draw the same conclusion that you have.
I know I'm being pedantic and apologies if my tone comes across as condescending. I would normally avoid replying in these situations but when I put myself in your place I appreciate having the other person's perspective even if I don't agree with them because it helps me to clarify my communication in future conversations.
But how is ghosting saving face then? Wouldn't telling the teacher that the teacher is amazing, but for different reasons they can't have any more lessons be saving face?
That said the author maybe does see the fakeness ("They want it to feel like a friendship" ie. not be an actual friendship, just something like that feels like it, fine line I know but it's desired performance vs actual emotion). However she still thinks they "owe" her something.
But English lessons in Japan must be like... I dunno, grocery shopping to us. I'm guessing tutoring is more common in Japan than in North America. When you decide never to go to a particular grocery store, you don't give long heartfelt goodbyes. You just stop going.
Otherwise you get some weird conflict where they need to tell a teacher, which I think is automatically a superior?, that they're no longer required. So they're in a position where they need to 'criticize' a superior, and it looks like they choose to do so obliquely, and then just freeze when said superior asks them to tell it straight.
(I am reminded of this wonderful phrase book between British English and "Dutch" English: https://www.economist.com/johnson/2011/05/27/this-may-intere... )
There are certainly ambiguities of translation between Japanese and English (there always are between any two languages), but for the most part, these kinds of ghostings are just straightforward and stupid: "I feel bad and cannot make our appointment today."
There's no subtlety of language; you're just expected to know that this means goodbye forever. To the extent that subtle bat-signals were sent, it was probably when you made the date/appointment/whatever, and missed the uncomfortable body language of the counterparty. That can be pretty nuanced. I'm by no means an expert at this, but I've spent enough time there that I routinely see tourists, newbies, etc., completely missing the obvious social cues swirling around a room.
If I had to guess, the author is probably bad at this and doesn't know it. The stuff about discussing her miscarriage with students, in particular, makes me think she's misreading the level of social familiarity.
My family moved from New Haven CT (Yankee land) to Memphis TN—the latter being the heart of the South or the buckle of the Bible Belt.
In Memphis if you ask a question or invite some one over to a party and they answer “I’ll try” that is a very polite and standard version of “Hell no”.
We have lived here 34 years and I am still catching on.
No, the south is more indirect and north is more direct. This is often seen in popular culture, with northerners depicted as rude and inhospitable, while southern hospitality and friendliness is famous, while also being contrasted as duplicitous to the "honest" northerners (smile in your face and stab your back kind of stuff, vs gruff and offensively blunt).
Somewhat. But the Japanese will try to exploit the asymmetry, too.
If a Japanese businessman says "Wakarimashita"(I understand) they mean "Pound sand". Do NOT take "I understand" as a "Yes, I agree." You will get burned.
However, if you as a Westerner delivers a "Wakarimashita" as a "No", the Japanese will get VERY VERY upset.
One of my favorite moments along these lines was dealing with a Japanese company who had dorked with us for almost 24 months (also a Japanese cliche) but now finally needed the deal to go through quickly. As they impressed upon us the newfound importance of the deal my response was "Wakarimashita" with lots of nods and a wide, friendly smile...
Watching the facial expression on a half-dozen people on the other side of the table darken visibly was quite glorious. The Japanese discovered that "Wakarimashita" can also mean "Bend over" in addition to "Pound sand".
I'd love to know this. Are there any great books about Japanese culture?