Ask HN: What is the most exciting thing you have learnt this year till now? Maybe it is a life hack, a new topic, a new recipe, etc. Whatever YOU think is exciting to you. |
Ask HN: What is the most exciting thing you have learnt this year till now? Maybe it is a life hack, a new topic, a new recipe, etc. Whatever YOU think is exciting to you. |
I don't have the attribution but love this quote: “A good question doesn’t give advice, check hypotheses, impose a perspective, share an opinion, make a suggestion or leave the other person feeling judged or cornered.”
Learned: Asynchronous daily chat updates are just as effective as stand-ups
it feels amazing to be able to spend time inside the program as it develops.
I used to have to force myself to go jogging; walking for exercise is so so so boring even with podcasts/audiobooks. Now I positively want to go out biking most days. I had a mountain bike ~15 years ago and all the clip-on shoes and helmet and drove to hills and cycled off-road and it was huge effort and work, and I never enjoyed it as much as my friends did. Now I have a basic heavy squeaky bike and get on it and ride.
I like being able to sprint and coast, instead of sprint and stop while jogging. Being able to zig-zag side to side and feel the dynamics of the bike and my balance as it moves. Being able to move faster than walking while putting in less effort than walking. Feeling the wind as if I'm in a car with open windows or no roof (less intensley, but the same kind of pleasant sensation). Riding with no hands on the handlebar, feels like how bikes 'should' be ridden - more like the motions of walking but moving faster. Or maybe I would like one with higher, curved back handlebars for a more relaxed riding position.
[1] don't just stop wearing a helmet in a North American city riding on an 8-lane stroad with highway speed traffic, or a ride on the British A roads alongside traffic. But Dutch people don't normally wear helmets because their city design prioritises keeping bikes and cars separate, and keeping bike routes safe at crossings and junctions, and they aren't riding fast or racing. Most injuries of non-racing urban bicyclists involve motor vehicles, and the idea that an inch of polystyrene will protect you from a Ford F250 doing 60mph should be a head scratcher not a no-brainer. I would link "Why I stopped wearing a bike helmet" by former editor-in-chief of Bicycling, the world’s largest cycling magazine - https://www.cyclingtips.com/2018/11/commentary-why-i-stopped... but it appears to be gone from the site and from the Wayback machine. He also made the point that people say they wear helmets (or make their children wear them) for safety, but then choose helmets based on price and style, rather than safety rating and crash test results, which suggests they don't do it for safety. Also children should wear them.
The reason I'm making a point of "without helmet" is because it reduces the friction of going out and riding, and it reduces the sweaty head, untidy hair, "where do I put my helmet while in the shop" concerns, and having something strapped to your face/head feels bad. Plus nobody hounds the elderly to wear helmets when out walking in case they fall, but if safety was your top concern, you would.
Edit: of course on streets. Biking down a mountain etc are different.
That emotionally, it won't crush me to find out my company decided I was in the 20% that wasn't needed anymore. That financially, my family can get by if I spend 11 weeks unemployed. That I can accept a job that pays significantly less than I used to make.
I really did think that the entire experience was going to leave me the empty shell of my former self, that the mental toll would leave me severely depressed, and that my world would be shattered. None of that happened. I had a great summer.
My exciting discovery is that I no longer define myself purely in terms of my career.
I've been struggling with this. Any tips?
Jobs can effectively squeeze your time and energy such that the above are hard to come by, making career self-definement a default path for many people.
For a few months, I regretted my decision to have kids almost constantly. It gnawed on me. Then I stumbled upon the regretfulparents subreddit. Seeing the posts was pitiful. I saw how destructive it is to our psyches to carry around regret and let it wear us down. I cringed seeing the posts, mostly because I felt the same way they did, and man it does not look pretty. I do not want to be like the people on that subreddit. It almost disgusted me
I remember when I was younger I always said I don't regret anything I do. I seem to have forgotten that mantra, so I picked it back up
I no longer regret being a parent. I still don't enjoy it the majority of the time. But it is what it is. There's no point of drowning myself in my own mental garbage when life is trying to drown me already.
So what I (re)learned is not to live with regret, and sometimes shared suffering can remind me that it's really not that bad and I don't need to force suffering on myself for no reason
From then on it's less and less useless over time, and they do things like playing and learning to walk. Many of these things don't make it easier for me. Some may even make it harder, but just a little bit. Not having to wake up every few hours is the big release though. So over time, it's less work and more satisfaction, which to me is an ongoing motivator.
Another big jump for me was when we start going to a child care, at around the 12 months mark. It's a huge relief. My wife and I have time to try and resume "normal" life. The baby learns more things at school and sees more people. It costs quite a bit but we don't talk about it :)
I'm hopeful it will be less and less work, but I have already made peace with the fact that I will never be back to "normal". We will probably stress about the baby until we die. The good thing is, the sense of progress and satisfaction seems to scale very well, while the work is mostly flat. Surprisingly my wife and I are already talking about the next baby, because the work would still be mostly flat and the sense of progress / satisfaction would be doubled.
My daughter is 2 now so I'm a little "ahead" of you. Hope this little bit of personal experience helps. Using an old throwaway for privacy reasons.
People tell you that having a kid will take all your free time but it's not really true because one parent can relax while the other foes something with one. When you have a second, the wife be fully occupied with the second and you will become primary care for the first. You're both suddenly single parents. The internal fortitude required to single handedly entertain a toddler exceeds anything I've ever had to do before.
One perspective that helped me was "little people, little problems". In few years they might be drinking your booze and stealing your car.
Mine are five and eight now. There's still rarely 15 minutes. Somebody's hungry, somebody's hitting somebody, somebody's having another meltdown.
On occasion though, they get interested in whatever I'm doing though, so that's nice.
Parents say this, but looking at their lives and talking to them, it doesn't. I think you just get used to it, or develop a sort of stockholm syndrome.
Maybe you sleep a little better so it's easier to mentally cope with it
Thanks for sharing. First off, I think it's normal to experience the feelings of regret when first having a child. Those first few months (maybe even years) can actually feel worse: less (sometimes no) sleep, less freedom (for other activities), less intimacy.
The list goes on and on.
But, as you recognized, focusing on the negatives can be self reinforcing.
At the same time, being a parent (for me) fills me up in ways I've never experienced before. A joy ... love ... that got lost in childhood.
And raising a child is not (again, for me) something I can/want to pull off on my own, with only my wife and I. It really does take a whole village and I'm no longer sold on the nuclear (American) family — just mom and dad – raising children.
Anyways, sending you lots of vibes from one parent to another.
> I'm no longer sold on the nuclear (American) family — just mom and dad – raising children.
It's not tenable with the complexities and expenses of modern life. It may have been tenable in the 1950s-70s when US prosperity for the middle class was maybe at a global all time high
Having kids will give you a whole new perspective about life, IMHO, about love (mostly, there's no other way you can feel that kind of love), about learning to say NO just because you start valuing your time more, maybe even taking more care of your health, because you want to be there, you want to be in good shape and having the energy they need.
When feeling negative sentiments/resentment popping up, think this: it wasn't their's decision to be born, it was yours, so they are not guilty of X. Having kids is an egoist decision we make as parents, but then a lot of parents blame their kids for this or that. Not their fault, not anyone's fault really. It is what it is, as with most things in life.
Just take care of your sleep, of the relationship with your partner (this is huge! otherwise the family will crumble as will your relationship) and enjoy the ride with an open mind. Savour the little things, for as much as it is trite rhetoric, they will soon be gone, replaced by different ones, but you'll have only one first smile, one first word, one first step, etc, for each kid, and those you want to cherish. It's a choice we have to make with everything in our lives: complain about everything going wrong/missing, or simply living and enjoying what you have in the moment.
It will be a lot of work, but more fun than you could ever imagine. Good luck!
People that don't agree are either wealthy or full of shit with horrible children IME.
To anyone reading this: It is A-OK to feel what you feel (regret, guilt, fear, etc) its what you do with those feelings that matter.
The first year of parenthood is absolutely miserable with the lack of sleep and quick milestones changing (for the better, usually) the routines.
It. Gets. Better.
But its work and you gotta take care of you. Cant pour from an empty cup, etc etc.
Build a support network and use it.
Honestly my kids are the only thing that keep me alive. I have a persistent deep hatred for the world - almost always have - and I've contemplated suicide many times in my life, but my children keep me going. I will be here as long as they are. There is nothing more soothing than seeing them smile. The rare times that I get a chance to just sit still, I find myself observing all the small things they do and appreciating their innocence in it. Almost everything we interact with in the modern world is fake, but the one thing that is truly genuine is the love between parent and child; especially in their youth.
A better angle is: Don't act in such a way that you'll regret it.
That advice doesn't tackle dealing with things you regret.
But neither does "I regret nothing!" -- it is not instructive as to what is good, or how to process events, it just gives a free pass to any behavior. Only young people and Edith Piaf say this.
Totally disagree. I am not free from the consequences of my actions. I'm simply saying it's a waste of mental energy to drag yourself down based on events that happened in the past. You can learn from things you've done and if something was a mistake in hindsight, you can avoid those mistakes in the future.
But I try not regret making any mistakes I've made because there's no point. You can't objectively judge your decisions if they're clouded in an emotional haze
I also noticed, because I took a ton of photos, that Sproutlet had at least 5 different faces while growing up... it's fascinating.
But...yeah, it's tough in the beginning.
If it happens to be a blog, the other month there was a post here asking users to share their blogs[1], and shortly after someone popped up with a blog roll[2] you can submit it to!
You absolutely hit an achievement. Congratulations!
* The power of letting go of perceived control or outcomes and just focusing on what I can do now in the moment.
* How to be open and vulnerable and why it matters for building relationships.
Yes!! This is huge. Feeling emotions is so critical and a fundamental skill learned in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). And if I can add to that, NAMING the emotion itself levels one up too. As you mentioned, somatically feeling (e.g. "my heart is racing faster than it normally does", "I am starting to sweat", "my throat is constricting") goes a long way and if you can accurately identify the emotion (e.g. fear, anxiety, anger) then you are on the path to mastering emotional regulation.
It started happening on its own once I found a way to feel safe and secure. I grew up never having felt completely safe even at home because my father was alcoholic so I had a chaotic home life. And I learned that I always needed to be on guard even at home or in my room.
So quitting my job and letting my wife totally support us for a 6 months while I reassessed my life and let go of being the “breadwinner”/man of the house was key. But hard. I made SV money and she makes $18/hr. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the scariest.
But Berne Brown was a powerful voice to help me choose a direction and learning how to connect with others.
Just feeling empathy for others isn’t enough. People will be suspicious or think you’re fake if you don’t reciprocate openness/vulnerability.
Not only that, treatment is working for me.
So far we’ve only tried Atomoxetine and Wellbutrin, want to avoid stimulants if possible.
I bought electric shaver. I tried decade ago one but didn't enjoy. I always hated chore of shaving - you have to soften your skin, put some foam, make sure your razor is sharp (many time it isn't and you run out of new one), do many runs with razor on your skin, hit razor on the sink so it's not clogged, after shaving clean yourself and razor again and dry yourself and hopefully you don't have any cuts.
With electric razor:
- these days they are small and can be charged with usb-c
- don't require and water or foam (just dry shaving)
- all your face hairs are inside the shaver head and not floating everywhere around your sink
- shaver is magnetic and easy to remove and then just dump down your hairs to sink
- don't have any cuts and don't have to change shaving head (probably one a year or less)
- I bought cheap one (Enchen) with 3 heads for like 20$
If you procrastinate to shave yourself every (second) day give it a try.
Easy, customizable, and healthier than regular French fries. I love them!
I’m have recently discovered proofing in a cold environment, the kitchen in winter or even the fridge. It looks like nothing has happened, but shape the dough and cook it and you get spectacular oven rise.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmAc1nDizu0
Work things: typescript, nuxt 3, and converting my ENTIRE 10+ year vim config to fancy Neovim with full LSP support.
The more "self-made" answer is that I'm ruthless about cutting people out of my life who make me feel bad in ways that can't be solved through communication or a good heart-to-heart. I have a feeling that this puts me into better situations sometimes, because people recognise integrity/self-respect and want to be a part of that.
I also am a fanatic about spending at least 15 min every day in nature, which is where I drink my coffee. This is my morning routine, come rain or shine.
Other things I do to help this lifestyle:
- Wake up without alarm (unless I have a meeting)
- If I'm at parties, grab fresh air occasionally - sometimes you'll get good company out there too, and you can recalibrate
- Saying no to things that other people think are fun, but I don't
- I don't read for hours on end - 30 min at a time is enough, then reflect
- Wear clothes that don't feel modern and sophisticated, a vintage shirt can do a lot to your slow-life mentality
- I've never worked with anything that requires me to work overtime or be on-call
I think the point isn't to have hours and hours of unlimited time to think, but to take breaks in between activities, and carve out consistent 15-30 min slots for your brain to settle down again. Take as much stress out of your life as you can, without making that a stressful activity as well.
This is when things start to "click" for me.
Nothing astounding but these little things got me excited!
PS: Too excited that I even made a presentation to share with people from work. https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1LAdJ4iK-RJVxuIo61RLU...
Not sure I'll do another one, but it was a good experience and at at an age where performance will start decreasing from here. I need to do a write-up.
Challenge that idea
2020: To not busywait.
2021: To be humble.
2022: That I work for myself.
2023: That not spending money makes me happier than spending money.My bias is that I have ADHD with anxiety mixed in. Best way to describe is that if one takes Adderall one gets a push pull effect where you are in focus robot mode whereas with this approach its a focus mode with whole environment awareness without the uncomfortable push pull effects.
Practically, I learned how to fully clean stainless steel pans (boil vinegar after cooking; baking soda scrub if really filthy).
Excitement for me is measured on a scale of how fast I go from "wtf is this" to "omg think of the possibilities" and given that I was working as a very shell-heavy cloud admin for the first half of this year this quite handily topped the list for me.
I'm still arguing with my extending family about the amount of salt in the pasta water... baby steps
(This is sacrilegous but done right it tastes very good and is simple to cook, you need only one pot and it is done quickly even on camping gas.)
Could be of benefit for others who have tried adderall but found the robot-mode to be an unideal way to live.
For instance if you love sports or fast reaction video games adderall really hurts performance in those areas.
Sounds like you have a solution and would be interested in hearing more about it. Maybe your most exciting thing learned could be someone else’s!
Even if you want to get something done (house project, cleaning, making appointments) it's very difficult to complete these tasks due to the distractions you meet along the way.
It's like if you had a spotify playlist of 400 songs you really want to listen to, but by the time you hear the first 5 seconds of the intro, the song skips to the next one, ad nauseam, all day long, every day of your life.
That said, I have decided more and more in my adult life that I am not going to struggle needlessly. If doing so only affected me, fine. But when I have a shitty day(s) at work because I didn't get anything done, my wife gets to hear about it. My family gets to experience me being less jolly. Etc.
My focus these days is on being the best person not only to myself but to those around me. That means if I need to take some stupid pill to enable robot-mode then that's what I need to do.
I've tried the "don't let your work output be your identity" approach. That ship sailed in elementary school man. Success & output are weaved into your psyche from a very young age. To truly divorce myself from that burden I would need to completely change my life and go live in a commune somewhere. Not realistic.
And for the record, I actually really don't like the feeling of being on medication. It turns me into a robot with slow reaction time. Great for reading a book or focussing on some boring work... But horrible for the things I love in life which are all fast-paced sports and video games. If I can avoid medication, I absolutely will.
It is also the transition going from sheer terror of creating life, to accepting that there is no perfect parenting.
I completely agree.
But I'm trying to make the distinction between "don't obtain debt" and "don't pay debt".
> if something was a mistake in hindsight, you can avoid those mistakes in the future
There's a word for the process of concluding that something was a mistake: regret.
I think the difference in understanding comes from what we put into the word.
Regret is a word loaded with emotion.
If the purpose is to say "don't beat yourself up endlessly", I 100% agree.
But beat yourself up a little and let go. :-)
Preventing mistakes requires regretting them.
I submitted plenty of applications, got few interviews, got passed up for most of the roles. I no longer have time to wait on onerous bureaucracies. Hell I was hoping for an offer this week, but both myself and the recruiter are at a loss as to what the company decided. I got another email the other day informing me that some job I applied to months ago was just straight up canceled.
The real problem was I didn’t quite understand how things had changed and was desperate to avoid moving. I should have just taken an on site role and moved a long time ago.
I only applied to jobs that were remote, because I love the lifestyle. The job I wound up with wanted me hybrid, but I negotiated for remote. I've got a young kid, and that time I'd have been commuting is time I get to spend with her.
But if I'd been open to hybrid jobs, I'd likely have had more opportunities, and more money offered.
What's your opinion on these "mitigations" just off the top of my head? I won't argue. Just finding food for thought.
- I'm already writing off the first 6 or 12 months after the birth of the second kid. It will be hell. No question about that. But when (if?) we are able to send the second kid to child care we should have a chunk of day time that is "free". Not to discount your experience but I imagine you have just gone through the hardest part.
- It should be easier when the first kid is older? I know it's not realistic to expect the first kid to actually help but at least they aren't trying to kill themselves all the time. I'm hoping to find some activities that would allow me to spend maybe 70% attention to the second kid and 30% to the first, and have them both be not too pissed off.
- Other economy of scale things? Get both kids to go to the same child care. Going to the park together. Eat together etc
They will play with each other a lot and that gives free time back. With one child you are the only one she can count on in the early years. Sibling in my view are essential to build emotional intelligence, the skill to be able to lose and try again, cooperate and fight, and able to find a compromise.
Around 5 or 6year+ they start to actually help.
After the first child I missed my childless life. After the 4th I really don't, it really helped me grow many ways I did not thought was possible.
German bread is excellent. I prefer my sourdough, but I haven't been to Germany in nearly 20 years, so perhaps my memory is rusty.
You just need to ignore the bread aisle of supermarkets!
Pretty sure every bakery I've been to in the US has had good bread.