Ask HN: Those who were broke and lost in life in 20s. How'd you find way again? Yes. I am in that situation. It is personal. |
Ask HN: Those who were broke and lost in life in 20s. How'd you find way again? Yes. I am in that situation. It is personal. |
Mentally, I never walked out. It was a symptom of a much deeper problem that still haunts me today.
A little hunger doesn’t hurt when you’re in your 20’s. What helped me specifically was finding a community.
I listened to "The Power of Now" audiobook by Eckhart Tolle. This coupled with The New Psycho-Cybernetics helped me understand "where" my thoughts were coming from and how to handle them. I was in a lot of pain from sports injuries, and Eckhart Tolle's concept of the "Pain-body" manifesting itself in my thoughts and actions helped me kill self-destructive behavior at the source. A decade+ later, I would also recommend C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters" because I rather enjoy the idea that "demons" are competing for my energy, and I am beating them.
I watched plenty of YouTube content from positive male role-models, such as Elliott Hulse (his content has radically changed in the last decade, but in the early days it was very wholesome).
I worked on my body.
I stopped doing drugs.
I took care of my diet/nutrition.
I improved my appearance (more consistent grooming, better-fitting clothes... nothing radical).
I finished my undergraduate degree.
I decided that I had a duty towards something greater than myself. Even if it felt like the "message" coming from society at large was "aimed" at me, I determined that it would be better to work on myself and hone my skills in order to be a positive force in the world and role-model to those around me.
I sacrificed time that I would have otherwise spent consuming media and replaced it with more constructive endeavors (learning basic software engineering skills). This helped me find gainful employment to pay my bills, and give me health insurance.
My parents were supportive in some ways, and clueless or lazy in others.
My friends were very supportive. One of them grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and shook some sense into me. Literally. He said he was done with my excuses. This made a massive impact.
My girlfriend(s) were not supportive. I knew I needed to improve myself, and that was probably unattractive. I can't blame them.
The most important person in the equation was myself. I learned to stop letting other people control my emotions or affect my mindset.
tl:dr; Grab a copy of Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson and READ IT. Let it sink in. Then put it into practice.
You are basically a pilot of a mecha.
Thoughts are basically your ai remembering things with a lot of hallucinations.
We are sent down to this planet to explore and mine for resources.
Just focus on exploring, and the data that you collect will automatically be synced up to the super intelligence.
That is your core job. You do not need to make anything out of your life.
Next step is set goals and do whatever it takes to meet those goals, no matter how small they are. The more goals you accomplish, the more you'll realize you can do it. Then set larger and larger goals, but make sure they're going in the right direction. Also understand that all you can do is put in the effort, and the outcome is out of your control. Sometimes the outcomes are great, sometimes the outcomes are not, but don't kick yourself over the outcomes as long as you put in the effort.
For me, it was in my early 30s. I had a shitty job, I went through a divorce, I was so fat I couldn't walk up stairs without losing my breath. I thought that being in my 30s there's no way I could recover by finding a girlfriend/wife because all of the good ones were taken. I spent about one month feeling sorry for myself, playing video games all day and then I decided that was it. I found a new job, I lost weight, I went to school and changed the trajectory of my life. I accepted that I was at fault for my part in the divorce, I said I would be a better person and forgave myself and moved on. I left the past in the past, and just looked forward to the future. Over the next ~20 years, I got better jobs, got married, had kids, etc.
One step at a time, and if you put in an honest effort, then learn to celebrate each win no matter how small, and move forward. You can do it!
if you want more money work on getting a marketable skill. preferably something you don't mind doing.
"life's a marathon not a sprint" so work at getting better at the skill everyday. It's not going to happen overnight but so what. it's not a competition.
"In strategy, the longest way around is the shortest way home.” — B.H. Liddell Hart
It gave me a different way of looking at things. I guess in a way, I started to see myself almost in a third person.. I got my stuff together and made big changes.
Did it pay well, no.
But it got me in a stable cadence, where I could take my time with things, slowly being able to build up other things.
Second, therapy. Not for everyone but helped me immensely.
I was not lost in my 20's. I am now lost in my 40's though, and I'm not looking to get back on the path.
Travel if you can. Find a job that takes you somewhere you wouldn't normally go. Life is about experiences, be open to them and get out of your bubble as much as you can stand.
Don't take it too seriously. Laugh and enjoy life as much as possible. Fake the enjoyment till it becomes real if you have to.
Stay lost, see where you end up.
Can you elaborate?
I was a bit older, around 40 in my case. It was late 1980s, I had a house with a huge mortgage, and had a huge overdraft at the bank. In today's terms, I had something like debts of half a million or even more. And getting deeper and deeper into the red with every week that passed.
So I made the decision that I would sell our house, pay off as much of the debts as possible, and start again. Renting instead of owning a house. That was too much for my first wife. She couldn't stand the drop in prestige. Mind you, she hadn't felt like helping out by getting a job to make our task easier along the way.
Within 12 months, I was living a lot better with no money worries and with another partner who is now my second wife and we have been happy together for 35 years. We invested in rental properties and now own debt-free six houses including our own 3-bedroom top-storey apartment.
Do some exposure therapy. Think about the worst case reasonably likely scenario, then the next one assuming the first happens, then the next, and so on until you can't think of any more.
Get some options. Think of all of the possibilities you have for moving forward. Yes, the practical ones that are actionable, but also the impractical ones that would make you happy. That helps you to learn a bit about yourself. It also helps you to problem solve your situation without getting locked into a local maximum.
Are you tired? Burned out? In a rut? Want to travel? Want community? There are specific solutions for specific problems. Think on it to understand what specifically you need and how you might get it before a flimflam man convinces you to sell cutco to raise money for their megacult.
And get help if you can. Yes, professional help. But also support from family or friends.
The worst thing is that people assume I am incompetent or a drug addict or "lost" or something when they find out my financial circumstances.
But, people tend to have an idea of what needs fixing. The issue is motivation tends to fall off because you don't see progress without a lot of change, and we tend not to see our own progress as clearly as others.
Make relationships you can count on. Try to make every day a non-zero day. Be kind to yourself, if you can't be the parent you needed for yourself, try to be the friend you needed.
Find a therapist. Like most things, having a professional's help will speed things up immeasurably.
Best of luck, it may be the hardest thing you do, but it's worth it.
It took a while. Day to day I worked as hard as I could then stopped after work hours and did little on the weekends (though I don't know how that would work these days, I was cold calling people).
I ate as cheap and healthy as I could and exercised as much as I could, lots of walks.
This was back in the early 2000's so the internet was shit and I couldn't lose myself there. These days I'd advise 0.00 leisure internet. No news, no forums, no social media. No fucking around.
This is an existential moment, very thin margins, high speed, no guard rails, this is adult shit.
I took on a job, the job of finding my next job. Woke up at 6/7 and got to work, took a short lunch then back again full tilt.
Sure, I wasn't perfect, no one is, and life keeps happening and we have to deal with that. But, you know, dead fucking serious 9-5 M-F. After that I could have feelings.
To the OP: Love for a woman sorted me out fairly quickly in my mid 20'.
I should have said "MY" internet connection was shit. I thought that was easily implied. I had dial up over a shared phone line. Additionally I convinced myself that there was nothing of entertainment value on the internet so I could get my work done.
In my late 20s I started having many weird symptoms and essentially was unable to continue my physical job. I was on food stamps.
I always thought I wasn’t very smart, but I just gave up too easily. Without any other options education was my only option. I graduated with high honors with a CS degree.
Met a VP in school he offered me an internship and I have been working for him for a few years now.
I ended up finding that programming is really my passion.
I’m planning to go back for my masters as my workload is pretty low.
When I think back I remember how I was losing hope. I grew up poor so I had no parents to really fall back on. I’m glad I pushed through. Now, I’m on vacation enjoying the sun.
- Realize that some events are outside your control. If you were screwed over or unlucky in any way you need to move on from whatever happened and focus on what you can change
- Consistency is key. Just show up everyday and work towards your goal, over time you will see some positive results.
- Desire is suffering, if you're chasing a house, car or lifestyle realize that when you get it you'll just want something better. Try to be happy with what you have first.
- Positive reframing, your situation may not be that bad. It probably could've been alot worse right? Maybe your situation will force you to take action and be a better person
- Don't compare yourself to others, no one had the exact same path in life
- Success = working hard and being ready to take advantage when luck strikes
- Workout atleast 3 times a week, even if it's doing a home routine without any equipment
- Just be nice to people you work with, your network is your networth
So I basically just left it all behind. I moved to a new city. I stopped using Facebook, which effectively cut me off from that old friend group. I was unemployed for a few months but eventually realized that the career was fine, I just needed a more stimulating job. So I kept going with that, found a new job in the industry.
It was scary moving to a new province and new city with no job, no friends, no family or safety net. I struggled to establish a new life here, but I did it.
So I don't know what your circumstances are but look at your surroundings and figure out if you need to hit the reset button. You're allowed.
The advice is a bit new-age-y, but I think it rings true nevertheless. It’s about working on your “life force”[0], which can be represented as a pyramid with three sections: body, people, self.
Start moving your body, getting good sleep, eating well. Then focus on your connections with others, developing friendships, relationships. Leaning on others and letting them lean on you. And then you have self development: working on skills, learning, experiencing things.
The idea is that by focusing on developing and growing your “life force” it’ll help figure out how to move forward.
[0] https://www.netflix.com/tudum/videos/life-force-aspects-of-r...
Learnings that led me here (in no particular order):
* don't think about what others think of you, think about what you want and what makes you happy. i know that I can't force myself to work hard on something i'm not interested in, so this was very important for me to figure out
* read "7 habits of highly effective people" - there's timeless advice there
* read "non-violent communication" - changed the way that i communicate and made my second marriage much healthier than the first, learning how to communicate in different contexts will help in your career as well
* learn to forgive, especially yourself
* accept responsibility- you're responsible for your life, no one else
* your 20s are for taking risk and figuring out what you're interested in, don't be afraid of risk, learning how to take risks and becoming comfortable with risk will help you in the long run
* luck is certainly a big factor for success, but you can set yourself up to create luck or take advantage of luck by cultivating your network, reducing debt, increasing your skills
* this was advice given to me by someone I respect- "don't chase a network or career, be interesting and add value, the rest will take care of itself." If you're interesting (had interesting experiences, have interesting thoughts and are able to communicate those things) people will be drawn to you, if you add value people will want to work with you and you'll capture some of that value back.
* Edit, one more: you can train your mind like you train your body. If identify something that's holding you back, you can change. Concrete example- in my 20s I was one of those people at parties that sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone because they dont know many people there. I decided that was holding me back, but I couldn't all of a sudden become "social" (just like when you first start training your body, you're not going to squat 200lbs), so I devised little exercises for myself to make me more comfortable talking to people I don't know- complementing people on their shoes while in line at a coffee shop ("those are cool shoes!"). Then when that becomes natural, asking follow up questions- "where did you get them?" and building from there.
I should mention that the student loans weren’t all bad. I didn’t end up doing art, but I was able to get out of my small Midwestern town and meet some great people.