Ask HN: How to remotely support older parents with bad health/lifestyle habits?

3 points by alexeldeib 2 years ago | 4 comments

My parents turned 70 this year. They both have deteriorating health and independence, albeit in different ways. I want to help them but they are very set in their ways. What would you do?

My mother has hip mobility issues and is extremely stubborn about any invasive procedures. She needs surgery but vehemently refuses it and I feel that’s a losing battle. She’d accept physical therapy but that’s probably the limit. She doesn’t like doctors generally; she took a hard fall down the stairs recently, hit her head with a good amount of bleeding (no confusion/signs of concussion), and refused to see a doctor because she thought she felt fine. She’s incredible at rationalizing why any argument you might have or gentle nudge you might suggest doesn’t make sense. I’d need to decide she’s going and make her do what I think is right.

My dad doesn’t take care of himself if left alone. He’s a pack rat and has a terrible diet, tons of cheese, yogurt, and rich/fatty products. When I come home and cook anything, it’s what he eats the whole week. He doesn’t want to do any meal prep, he has odd peculiarities like not wanting “messy” food (like oil on salad leaves, apparently?)

Beyond their personal quirks, they have to do a lot of work around the house. Since my dad is a pack rat, my mom has to clean up if she wants the house clean, which plays on her mobility issues. He helps with chores but everyday tasks are tedious; she avoids going up/down stairs as much as possible and that’s nearly impossible with our house layout.

I love my parents and want their lives to be easier. After seeing her fall, I’m also terrified by the idea it could have happened when no one was around, so I want to keep a closer eye on them.

We live hundreds of miles apart, I can’t check on them easily, and I don’t trust them to tell me what’s going on. They would probably let me set up anything I want back home, so I’m wondering about either technical solutions or services that could help them. Frankly their house layout is not friendly as they age, but I think that’s a non starter.

Things I’ve considered:

- Apple/smart watch with fall detection, auto emergency calls, panic button.

- professional declutterer/ongoing cleaning service.

- prepared meal service for my dad to eat healthier

- whatever the human equivalent of a furbo is

- find her a pcp she trusts?

- ?

k310 2 years ago |

Wow. I'm the 74 year old living in the woods alone (smart move, eh?) and family ask me for advice. I am so grateful for my good health.

Problems (sound familiar?)

If a watch could remember every move I make and not divulge it to Apple or anyone else, that would help me find things, something I spend time every day doing. I just found three (formerly) mismatched gloves and a camera battery I thought I lost outdoors. It was in the film camera bag.

I (obviously) cook, but stores sell too much and too big.

I don't clean up and rearrange, not from being a packrat but because nobody visits, so see if I am motivated.

All that said, I like the watch idea and some regular cleaning, to lighten chores, and some meals sent over. A masseur/masseuse who is careful not to aggravate the damage? I gather that training comes with such warnings about medical conditions.

A stairwell elevator? I am one story but even the 3' outdoor stairs are a nuisance with the shopping.

Is there some creative outlet for the collecting? I try to collect based on anticipated future utility, but after 8 years alone, I have a good idea what won't ever be needed or used. I'd teach woodworking or electronics or fly fishing if there were any people around.

Are there friendly neighbors? People are so far apart here that we rarely see each other, and I really think that people move out here to avoid other people. A sense of community is important to seniors. Any senior support groups not filled with "get off my lawn" people?

I like to provide tech help. It was a big part of my career, but best done in person rather than remotely, which is often a fright. Is someone trustworthy nearby?

Most people say that they want to learn, but I found first of all, they forget anyway (it often is detective work ) and I could just solve it 10x faster by educated guesswork. People DO hit the wrong keys accidentally. I do it myself.

Good luck. You're a thoughtful child.

h2odragon 2 years ago |

How much help do they want? Would you want them re-ordering your life to fit their standards?

It can be hard to let go of you parents and let them have an independent life.

alexeldeib 2 years ago | |

Fair question. This is where I’m struggling and part of the reason I ask the question.

On some things, it’s likely I neither have a chance nor would they want me interfering. I respect that.

On others, it’s clear they want help or would accept it, but don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to do it themselves. I specifically asked about several of my ideas — they’d both accept help cleaning/decluttering, and my dad would be happy with a meal service if he likes the food (he treats my mom like one, sadly).

My family didn’t grow up with traditionally strong emotional ties and I think we all wish we were a bit closer. I get what you’re saying but I’m not sure it’s letting go so much as seeing where they struggle and trying to help. My mom does actively ask for tech help, ironically, running websites with some online sales etc. She’s not great at finding solutions to help herself, or following through when she knows they’re useful (struggled to install a dash cam she bought which was basically “plug into car charger and go”).

h2odragon 2 years ago | | |

Sympathies. I've got some similar challenges with my Mom; and a lot of history in the way.