Ask HN: How to Be Politely Curious?

3 points by voviz 2 years ago | 11 comments

I recently started to "be more curious," which is a common piece of advice in engineering. However, I find that sometimes I ask questions that come off accidentally rude. For example, asking "why" a lot of times can come off as annoying or irrelevant. (Or, could probably be better answered by a Google search.)

So my question is, how do you ask about something you're curious about in a polite way? Do you filter out questions that are irrelevant to the topic at hand? Do you make sure that whoever you're asking that they can answer your question?

I suppose the topic of this post could be more aptly put, how do you ask good, not annoying, questions?

wolverine876 2 years ago |

I had to learn to do that, though not only in business contexts. I don't know well your context or meaning, but a few thoughts:

First, be polite and read the situation. If you find yourself prioritizing your curiosity over their apparent disinterest, if you find yourself pushing them, that's inconsiderate and you'll be annoying people.

> (Or, could probably be better answered by a Google search.)

If you are seeking information then you aren't being curious, or not in a way that matters (in the sense that I understand it). As an off-the-cuff explanation: Each person contains an entire universe, an alternative reality of ideas, mechanics, intentions, purpose, goals, facts, future and history, etc. I don't mean an alternative reality to yours; I mean your 'reality' is just another alternative to actual reality.

Curiosity is putting aside your personal reality - in toto, completely, unplug the motherf-r - and exploring theirs. You're not investigating or critiquing it. Take their reality as it is, get to know it. Just like if you arrived on a habitable planet in another galaxy, you would be looking around in wonder, just trying to take in as much as you could. It will be alien in places, often predictable and banal at first, but if you give them space and earn some trust, you will find the very best, most beautiful ideas - ideas from another mind, another universe completely divorced from your own.

Certainly do not try to reconcile their reality with your own, you will end up reducing their entire universe to what overlaps with yours - which undermines the whole point, to learn about their ideas and something you never imagined. And do not ask critical questions, especially those that probe for flaws; you will be shut them down and be booted out of the other universe. Trust them; trust they have a vision and answers, completely unlike your own.

Hope that helps!

voviz 2 years ago | |

That certainly helps and gives a vivid image. The only tricky thing to figure out is how to "unplug."

wolverine876 2 years ago | | |

It just takes practice. It's incredibly powerful once you master it. I couldn't do it well at first - I kept reverting to critical analysis based on my ideas, reconciling them with my idea.

The person who taught me much of this told me one day, in frustration: 'There's another presence in the room. It's completely independent of you. It is not a reaction to you, a variation on you, a challenge to you, or a commentary on you. It didn't develop through life with any consideration of what you might be thinking.'

Give them the stage, walk off of it, shut up, sit down, and pay close attention. It doesn't matter what you think. We all think, at some point, 'but that thing is wro-' No really, shut up! :)

bomewish 2 years ago |

Well are you going through the motions of doing 'curious' behavior, but you're not _actually_ curious?? That's kinda what it sounds like? If not, then the stuff you said first is helpful -- find out as much as you can beforehand. Then also maybe a little bit of setup that frames what your interest actually is, or what you checked out previously. It's a bit of a balance because asking pointed questions could in some cases be interpreted as a challenge. Maybe just being totally straight up "I checked out this other thing and I'm really curious how you saw the trade-offs in XYZ choice?" idk.

voviz 2 years ago | |

How would you tell the difference between being curious and pretending to be curious? I think I'm curious, but it could very well be that I'm lying to myself.

DamonHD 2 years ago |

One issue based on a recent HN item ... Do not imply in your question that your colleague has overlooked something obvious or easy in how something has been done: avoid "Why don't you just X?" for example. And do try to ask mainly the questions that only your colleague can answer, eg about the specific system that they are working on, and try and keep most of the background general questions for Mr Google.

fatkam 2 years ago | |

> "Why don't you just X?"

you are being too "polite" ... I think it can be a fair question.

DamonHD 2 years ago | | |

If you start from the position that they are a fool with the words that you use, you are unlikely to get anywhere good.

Your colleague may be a fool, but that's not the way to learn anything useful from them, or to verify the fact.