I come from a household of strict parents, where if a non-optimal grade was brought home, you got punished, mostly emotionally but sometimes also physically.

This pushed me to get good grades at all costs and it lead me to creative ways of doing that. I was on the 3rd grade while reading a lesson about the Earth and Nature and it took me a whole Sunday to just read one page. I didn't know it then, but I do know now, I had ADHD (inattentive type). Needless to say, it took me way longer to get anything done in comparison with my peers. Though, all the way up to the end of high school, I earned a 4.0. All of this I accomplished through relentless dedication to school work.

It was at the time when I got a scholarship to study in the States. The first two years, I did ok, cause the classes weren't that bad. But in the subsequent two years when things got hectic, I broke down. I started smoking weed, and for the first time in my life, I thought that I was myself.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so weed helped me with these things as well. My emotional intelligence is super low, so I didn't lose much by not having friends. I got really into working out, and became generally happier.

Though I realized that I had to smoke weed all the time in order to feel good, otherwise I was a mess. And I noticed that my Executive Brain function improved a lot. I made choices that were good for me, instead of making difficult choices.

It became so bad that I really hated the ME that was surfacing every time I quit weed. So weed gave me satisfaction in life and I was able to finally be able to enjoy things and waking up in the morning and going for a walk or a swim or a tan or a game. But my career and my school work took a major turn.

Weed does not allow me to do any type of work, but quitting it was no option at the time. I took a Programming Support role, despite having a Masters Degree from a Reputable CS lab in a top university. Weed made me really good at bullshitting, so I managed to get by, and find better jobs consistently.

Though, I always opted for non-leetcode type interviews so that I could bullshit through them.

I'm now off weed, but on many anti-depressants and ADHD meds, but I honestly do not feel any better. I got fired from my last job due to underperforming. My state of mind is ok, but I hate myself so much and my brain for being the way it is. I absolutely despise software engineering as well and grinding through leetcode is a nightmare.

I wake up with dread every single morning and I try to do Leetcode. I don't like any part of it. Nor am I interested in the field. I just did it so I could get paid.

I have a beautiful family that I love. But I feel unable to withstand my sober self. My mind is telling me to go to a warm place, by myself, transfer all my wealth to my wife's account and be away.

I do not posses the ability to maintain relationships, my wife stuck by me for all this time and I don't know why. I really don't want my kids to even see me because I bring a really bad vibe. My mind is always scared and depressed and I don't want them to see me that way.

I got arrested and got bullied in high school and got laid of multiple times from jobs due to my behavior. I don't have any kind of accountability for my actions as my brain does things however it wants. It cannot think and reason and I have suffered from this my entire life.

Only weed made me make conscious choices, but it prevented me from having a job. And it also made my relationship with my wife terrible because she wasn't supportive of it.

I don't know what I want from this post I'm just ranting I suppose. But if I could find some kind of thing that I could do and it wouldn't involve programming I would be so happy to pursue it.