Real Biological Clock Is You're Going to Die (2018)(hmmdaily.com) |
Real Biological Clock Is You're Going to Die (2018)(hmmdaily.com) |
we planned to have a kid by our early thirties. she specifically wanted one by 30. we were both healthy, financially stable with solid careers.
then came multiple miscarriages, 10 years of background/foreground stress, and IVF. now we finally have two healthy ones. i think daily about those 10 years we've lost to spend with our kids while still younger and able to do activities that i still enjoy like snowboarding, mountain biking, etc. thankfully i'll still be able to do some of it, but man, it has been rough. my awesome father-in-law died of cancer 9mo before his grandson's birth; the only thing he ever knew were our ongoing struggles :(
something else that happens is that all your same-aged friends with kids...they have different lives now. you can't talk to them about the same child struggles / tips in real time, the kids don't go to school together or know the same people; they're a generation apart. it becomes an isolating event when the delay is long enough.
despite all that, when i think of where i was financially then and now (and what i did in those 10 years to get from there to here that would not have happened otherwise), and that if i had a kid 10 years ago it would be a different [probably worse] kid instead of the adorable 2.5yo that runs to me each morning now, i feel a lot better.
my advice would not necessarily be to start earlier, but if you've decided to procreate and are consciously deferring it until the "right" time, just expect the really, really unexpected.
With our(northern Europe) crashing fertility rate there's now also discussions about adding on "when the woman is 25 this happens and you're this likely to get pregnant, at 30 it's like this...", just so that people can plan and try for the family they want. If one wants 3 kids and don't want IVF you should apparently start around when the woman is 25-28 or something like that?
But who's financially secure at 25?
This is where free daycare, and support from the government helps.
(And yes of course it's not "free", it is paid for from taxes, people are so smart to point that out.)
Different countries have different incentives, but I was really pleased with the setup in Finland when we had our child. A free box of first-clothes, daycare from 1-5 years old cheap enough that it was almost free, and preschool at 6 before schooling started at 7.
Lots of minor perks, such as free transport on busses, trams, etc, if you were pushing a stroller, and so on.
Those backed up by their government?
The death of the people I loved growing up is my biggest regret for leaving having children until my mid-thirties.
We have friends who got on with it early and their kids are great. The parents didn't have as much money or lived experience, but were fitter, more energetic, and now their kids are teenagers and they're able to focus on life. When our youngest is there, we'll be focussing on retirement.
It's impossible to know, I know, but every year deferred is another year less with a child that will probably love you, a love you will value above practically anything else.
But there are very much worse times. Clearly.
However, the adage with marriage applies with kids too: Marriage is not a capstone, its a cornerstone. You build a life together.
The same is sorta true with kids.
That really got me. How can I bring these people, this "adult world" forward in time as a gift to my children?
In another sense, you can't *avoid* that world; the world they lived in was one they *created*, physically, and much of it is still here with us, shaping us as they shaped it.
And remember, none of the people who came before us ever experienced anything but pieces of their world, just like we only ever experience pieces of our own. But you can at least try to show your kids as many of those pieces as possible.
That ain't me, and it certainly ain't the adult milieu of my childhood.
Happy new years and thanks
My parents died before I turned 20 and 28.
Death is horrible and loss is horrible but each person gets to pick their meaning generation, that's what makes humans fucking cool.
We are like a random forest of meaning generation, an epicenter of complex meaning creation, the plurality and uniqueness of paths is critical, and each of us gets to decide what our meaning exploration/creation will entail, and no one can rationally shame us for that.
We are all very special. Each and every person. We are the unique meaning generators of the universe, like stars emit photons we emit complex meaning, there is no entity we have observed that has explained to the universe the how and why of bird flight, we generated the how and why of that, we are meaning generating organs of the universe bootstrapped by simpler meaning in rna and dna and each one of us is rare.
Complex meaning generation, storage and emission is still in it's infancy from our empirical observations we can't predict how far into the future meaning generation will reach or what it will accomplish, we can't ex ante predict how important we are, no one can tell us we won't be very important to the casual chain of the universe, it simply cannot be computed ahead of time.
As a child I read the book version of A Baker's Dozen, a true story about an efficiency expert with a heart defect that had 12 children and dies at the end while calling his wife.
Each person generates unique meaning in the universe and the one thing we get to do is decide what our unique meaning exploration path is, no person is guaranteed to see any time with their kids, guaranteed to want to have kids, guaranteed to have a kid they enjoy being around. Decide what you intrinsically find meaningful and generate meaning, the random forrest requires the diversity of search/creation paths.
Or dont have kids at all which is fine and max on the freedom to do whatever life. I think I agree decide if you want kids then if so have them early as possible but under proviso of a good relationship and no major issues like drugs/alcohol/violence etc.
Just reread your comment. Don't kill yourself!!! Help raise your niece or nephew or friends kids. You can pass on social inheritence! And you can work in a cube at Google and send half the money to kids charities.
sperm quantity and quality decreases with age. studies exist that suggest higher risk of autism when father's age >= 45.
you're not too old, but you should probably test & freeze some good sperm before you might actually be too old by the time you find the right person. this way you won't ever feel like you're too old to have kids. then the question becomes more of "how long and in what manner will my remaining health allow me to enjoy them"
People who have children think having children is the right choice, generally. They have to, to find meaning in all of the work of having and raising a child. That's understandable. But it is by no means the right choice for everyone.
I had a lousy childhood -- not just because of my genetics. There's no license, no mandatory training for having a child. You can just have one. Many parents are not qualified, by any measure. This keeps therapists well-employed.
Only have a child if you would like to be that child. Only have a child if you feel competent, and able, and certain that when they are an adult they will not resent you -- yes, it's natural to have some resentment for your parents, but this is not the sort of resentment I am talking about.
Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have a child if you're just looking for 'legacy'. Write a book. Give to charity. But this is a terrible reason to have a child! Don't.
I hard disagree with this entire blog post. What an incredibly depressing, judgmental, and self-centered way to live life. It doesn't matter when you do things as long as you are satisfied with the results.
You should focus more on deeply appreciating all possible results life has to offer than making any particular decision. This is how you find certainty. You must have imagination and see how things would change even if, for better or worse, most of those things never come true. As a matter of fact, none of them will except for the ones you choose. You must always be visualizing what comes next, or else of course you'd be lost and scared. Everything single second of your life is compromises before you even realize you're making them, and there are no right answers. If you can't handle that, you'll never feel happy.
Doing the school run now and seeing parents pushing 50 with primary school aged children makes me sad for them and their kids when I see how physically shattered they look through the fatigue and stress.
Means your parents are 50 and have their jobs and not able to help even if they want (which not always the case).
Means woman has no career and cannot really progress, she basically sacrifices a career growth for her children.
Love the thought. But for me I wasn't able to commit to wanting to have children because I had to learn so much about dating and what I think I deserve and what I want. I just went with the "cool uncle" (which often times hides the "I think I don't deserve love and thus sabotage myself") narrative the last decade or so and had to have the bad experiences I've had 2025 to come to the conclusion that I want a wife and kids. Sometimes your life task dictates how it goes for you and a little less grip on this journey seems beneficial to me.
This article came at a perfect time for me and I will go full steam ahead to find someone to make kids with o7
Some previous discussion:
Although with the climate the way it is, it'll get progressively harder to reach old age.
happy 2026
But I only feel ready now. I’m a late developer in general (aren’t all software engineers haha arf) and I honestly felt too free spirited in the past. Many friends had kids a decade or more ago, and they are looking forward to their kids leaving home so they can travel etc. But I’ve already done all that, I have nothing to devote my life to now other than work and family.
In my case at least, being ready was a real thing. It’s really about maturity and having had enough of a life myself.
What makes a great parent?
Providing food, clothes, health and shelter? My parents weren't ready. I interrupted my fathers dream he was on track for, but only later learned about by doing the math in his rare moments of nostalgia after a cancer diagnosis and given a handful of years to live. My parents did a hard pivot and worked 3-5 jobs between them at any given time to make ends meet because his sense of duty to the family he wasn't ready for. I rarely saw or interacted with them, but gained valuable experience in navigating the world independently and being responsible for myself. I had good parents -- I was fed, clothed, housed and healthy enough to make it to adulthood and move out on my own after high school.
This part stuck out:
There are good reasons to wait, [...] My children have not had to live with parents who are working 15-hour days, the way we worked in our 20s, or who are financially desperate, as we might have been if we’d been paying for children on the salaries of our 20s. Our professional standing allows us to skip work for pediatric appointments or parent-teacher conferences. [...] I got a promotion [...] when it was time to buy a piano. We all sit down together for home-cooked meals most evenings and talk about things.
That must be nice, but I wouldn't know. My youngest sibling does though, their grandchildren knew that with them when they were younger too. My parents finally built up the stability that gave them time -- as I was on my way out. I have no idea who they are, nor they me, that was not our relationship -- I had that with my grandfather, but only briefly. And I would not trade that decade for anything in the world, except maybe to have had that with my parents, even if only for a few years to get to know as a child should. My youngest sibling got the great parents because they were ready to be by that time.
You get to be a great parent because you can spend time with your kids -- whether you "felt" ready or not you were, but maybe consider that's because the time you waited gave you the time to spend with them. You're looking at it in terms of maximizing years. Having more years doesn't mean anything if they can't be quality years.
It also what you want to optimize for. I would prefer to have hordes of good parents that just only dozens of great one in society. We most likely can also say: "Most worst parents didn't feel ready"
You shouldn't rush it thinking of years lost, but at the same time, shouldn't delay it until everything's perfect/'the right time', because, from experience, everything will never be perfect.
Having kids in a later stage has a lot of advantages. You (hopefully) saved more. You are more mature and informed. You know how to save for your children from day one and what to teach them.
But the thing about time is true and doubly so when it comes to grandparents. First of all if you live around your family and they can help out, it's an invaluable rock to lean on, and of course if you waited the grandparents are going to be too old to really help. But what's worse, is your kids will probably know them for a very short time if they even remember them when they grow up.
The thing about "being ready" is nonsense because you can't be ready. You don't understand what a massive gift and blessing it is to have children, and also how everything changes. You can't be ready because you just can't understand it before it happens. So waiting for the perfect time is useless. If you know want children at some point, just do it.
While I kinda agree with this, I've known some folks whose standard for 'ready' was a lot higher than previous generations/other cultures.
For example, I could get a folding desk, move my home office into my bedroom, and put 3 kids in bunk beds in one room.
Or I could say I'm not ready to have kids as I only have a 2 bedroom home, whereas in a few years time I'll be able to afford a bigger place.
But as it turns out, the limit of our growth was that precious currency of desk space. We scoured the ends of the earth and wept, for there was no more desk space left.
And being grateful for those who took the time to share their epiphanies in such a readable way.
It didn't come across to me as pushy advice, but as advice to think.
>Especially don't blog about it.
If we all bury our heads in the sand, maybe it will go away. After all, our personal happyness is #1. It's our world and our children are just living in it
I used to have a good relationship with them, but they think I'm doing everything wrong. If my situation was a tiny bit better I'd move out. Like this, I sacrifice my sanity for some personal freedom: my parents enable me to go swimming or running or out to a pub every now and then.
Also not many grandparents are willing to raise little kids as it is physically hard.
I agree that most of the people I meet aren't going to be my friends, but disagree that they aren't worth being friends with for someone else. Most of them have got other friends. They're still worth something even when I don't have enough in common with them to want to hang out. I'm better than them at the things I'm good at, but they've all got their own strengths where they must surely outdo me.
I can't tell if you're from a different culture, carry some trauma, expect an unrealistic level of commitment, or something else that would cause us to have such a different outlook on life. I'm sorry that you've been let down by other people and I hope things get better for you.
Healthy communities exist. They are increasingly rare due to the massive shift in the way of living, but they do exist.
I don't think it's possible to raise children without them developing some resentment. To be a parent is to be a dictator. It's very difficult to be a perfect dictator especially when every kid is an individual; your kid is only vaguely similar to you but not the same and thus may have totally different ideas about living life (and eventually, parenting).
It's more about making sure you keep the relationship intact when they inevitably lash out and have the "ugh you did everything wrong" confrontation (which could last years). It takes unyielding love and endless forgiveness. I think the parent-child relationships that fall apart are those where the parent thinks of the child as their friend. Your kid is your kid, not your friend. You would never forgive a friend if they hurt you even 10% as much as your kid will hurt you. But your kid also loves you in a way that a friend never can, that's the difference. And vice versa for the kid to the parent. You just have to leave a much wider berth than you would for anyone who isn't immediate family. Cutting off is never the right answer except in cases of extreme abuse.
Agreed with that. I couldn't even tell you the names of any of my great grandparents, much less anything above.
Resenting one’s parents, even like, a really really lot, is a small price indeed to pay to be alive. The other option is to not exist.
This is disgusting. You deserve to live, and I'm sorry for whatever experiences made you think you shouldn't.
Only if you have a time machine
Ain't no more cubes at big tech companies, it's all open office
1. If the community has "healing power", it can accept new broken members as long as they don't overwhelm the support system. Many hippie and religious movements work with some version of this idea.
2. A struggling loner might be so because of traits unattractive to general society, but attractive to the community. Pretty much all subcultures fit here.