Ask HN: Is there a point to maintaining distant connections on social media?

3 points by Desafinado 126 days ago | 6 comments

I'm at a bit of a crossroads these days. Meta is a repulsive company and I prefer not to share any data with them or engage with their products, but there is a whole slough of distant connections I'd permanently lose touch with if I stopped using those products.

A bit of a cliche topic but I'm interested in hearing what others think of relationships like this. How do you feel about these distant contacts who are undeniably friends but who don't have enough time for us.

Lately I'm wondering if the whole game of social media is to leverage people's FOMO. Social media feels like the tribe that we'll lose if we leave. But is it true?

al_borland 126 days ago |

I look at my parents, both retired. My mom is on Facebook constantly and always talking about what people post. However, I’ve never hear her talk about actually getting together with these people. She doesn’t go do much.

My dad never talks about Facebook. I believe he has an account, but I don’t know if he frequents much. He calls people on a regular basis to catch and schedule stuff… golf, pickleball, lunches, etc.

My mom has the illusion of connection via Facebook. My dad has actual connection through actual conversation. While he didn’t meet up with these people in-person as much during the middle of his career and while raising kids, he still made it a point to keep in touch, and it’s paying off for him in retirement.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is are these people really friends if they can’t make time to catch up from time to time outside of the walled garden of Facebook? When you say they don’t have time, are you waiting for them to reach out, or have you reached out to them? Understanding people are busy and reaching out, without judgement or expecting that it’s “their turn next time” seems to be a key to maintaining actual connections over time. At least that’s what I’ve seen with my dad.

I think my dad did reach out to someone on Facebook recently. Someone he knew freshman year of college who kind of disappeared. He very quickly sought to meet up in person for lunch to catch up, rather than do it through Messenger. Know the guy texts and calls him all the time, no Facebook required.

Desafinado 126 days ago | |

I believe most of these people would make the time if they lived close by, but we're all in the season of parenthood where even a little bit of distance makes it hard. And a lot of distance makes it impossible. There's also relationship dynamics.

When one of our kids started school we met a few families in our neighborhood and we see them fairly regularly. The difference is with them we can step out the door and we're already together. No planning required.

I wonder if social media essentially allows us to maintain friendships artificially, beyond the normal bounds of connection. It actually creates more maintenance overhead because you've got to maintain these contacts despite the relationships being largely irrelevant.

dfex 126 days ago |

It is 100% about FOMO. The greatest pushback you'll get from anyone when you suggest voluntarily cutting off their social media accounts is that it's their way of keeping in touch/track of friends who they probably never interact with outside of watching their feeds.

Did you interact (like you know, two-way communication) with these people at any time in the last month? In the last year? In the last decade?

_Disabling_ your account, and deleting the app won't stop you from being able to log back in one day in the future if you want to look someone up, but in the mean time, you'll be living a blissful life without an ad-fuelled torment nexus simulating meaningful relationships.

Desafinado 126 days ago | |

I think this hits the nail on the head and is actually the approach I've taken. Everything is deactivated but I log in from time to time. Maybe it's the best possible approach.

There is also the lingering pressure to share but maybe, at the end of the day, these cheap shares are just a trivial blip in other people's days. If we can't actually talk to someone due to social dynamics or energy constraints then they're effectively no longer a part of our life and social media is a bit of an illusion.

Keep the avenue, avoid the feed.

alexmz 126 days ago |

This is something I’ve thought a lot about over the past few years. My hypothesis is that the social media “feed” is still a useful and meaningful way for friends to communicate, if you strip out all the junk that comes with traditional platforms (ads, recommendations, constant distractions).

I built an app that I’ve been using with my friends (https://maintain.so/ ), and it’s been promising so far. People do seem to post more authentically. That said, I also suspect the FOMO mentioned in the other comment may never be strong enough in a friends-only network to truly replace the FOMO created by larger platforms, where people have years of followers and connections built up.

nicbou 126 days ago |

I have a growing social media presence. It makes it much easier to bring awareness to my work or poll people. Every post is a new conversation.

I have met a lot of people that way. This includes a few friends, a partner and many business opportunities.

It requires no maintenance, just genuine replies when people write to me. I use those websites as write-only media and never browse them.