They must have sold quite a few of these units, and I figure I’m one of the few (saw someone on Reddit reacting to a post to this with their own vibe-coded dashboard – which of course looks eerily similar) customers that went through such lengths to give their device a few more years. Providing an « official » open-source driver might have prevented some more e-wase – and token use!
It got me to apply some slop of my own. Supposedly there's some new provisioning scheme that'd allow the author to not have to disable SIP: https://developer.apple.com/help/account/provisioning-profil...
Thanks again for the tip ;).