Ask HN: How do you deal with a sister that asks for help very often?

11 points by burnedouthacker 17 years ago | 17 comments

What happens is, that my little sister, who is at her second semester of an engineering program, asks me very often, to help her when she encounters a problem she cant do by herself.

For me, this is becoming annoying, in the sense that I have to interrupt whatever Im doing, and then make some time to read the chapter which contains the information needed to solve the problem, think about how to solve the problem, and after that explain to her how did I arrive to the solution.

I would add, that in general, whenever she is presented with a problem, she feels frustrated, and seeks either to find someone to blame, or sees it as a disgrace. She doesn't have that inquisitive nature, which makes people want to find a solution, even if the first approximation, didn't result in an answer.

What would you say I could do, in order to help her develop that inquisitive trait? How can I stop this endless cycle, of seeking for my help, whenever her approximations don't end with an answer?

Edit: Just some additional information. She's 19.

synnik 17 years ago |

I wouldn't be quite as harsh as people have recommended...

For one thing, getting an education includes learning how to solve your own problems. Your explanations of your solutions may help her gain that knowledge. Assuming that because someone is not a problem solver in their 2nd semester, that they never will be... well, that is just false logic.

Even if she never does learn to solve problems, she may still get a basic engineering job. But she will not become a senior level engineer.

Ultimately, you need to explain to her that her goal is not just to solve the problems... it is to improve her own self-sufficiency. If she udnerstands that, it might change her approach to things.

And finally, she is your sister -- Just help the girl out.

stonemetal 17 years ago |

Help with out doing it for her. Ask her to teach it to you. You would be surprised how well people do at teaching something they "don't understand", and usually it provides that ah ha moment they need to get it. Also it will help point you in the direction of the bit she is missing. She needs to understand that she has to figure it out. Help should be a lever not a crutch. I have to agree with the others hand holding reduces creativity and originality.

noodle 17 years ago |

stop helping her. i can guarantee she won't develop that inquisitive trait or break the endless cycle of seeking your help if you continue to help her when she can't easily find an answer to a problem.

ScottWhigham 17 years ago | |

Absolutely. She won't be able to work like that in the workplace. If she feels disgraced to ask for help, maybe you should talk to her and explain, "CS is hard. No one should be ashamed to ask questions." She won't enjoy working if she is intimidated by hard problems.

noodle 17 years ago | | |

even beyond that, she's on semester 2. my engineering curriculum hit its hardest around semester 4/5/6. things are only going to get harder. take off the safety wheels now so that she can appropriately gauge the major she's picked.

better to figure out you want to switch majors at semester 2 than semester 6 when your problems are too difficult or time-consuming for your bro to help you out.

coglethorpe 17 years ago | |

When I was an intern, I would ask questions to a "mentor" at my company. One day, he looked at my problem and just smiled a little, and said: "It's non-trivial, but I'm sure you'll figure it out." I took the hint, went off and indeed figured it out.

_cbsz 17 years ago |

I TAed the second programming class (EECS 280) at UMich for 5 semesters. The canonical reply to "is this code right?" or "my code doesn't work" is "how have you tested it?" or "how do you know it doesn't work?", to be sure that the students are not using the TA as an oracle for correctness. (This causes bad reviews from students, but that's the price of tough love.)

Applying to this situation, I would recommend stubbornly requiring your sister to produce "certificates" that she has tried the incremental steps on the way to the solution. "What are you covering in the course?" "Have you done the assigned reading?" "What did you try that didn't work?" "why didn't you try X?" etc.

Chocobean 17 years ago | |

If only all teachers would like like you TAed, we'd have more kids who have learned how to troubleshoot instead of circle the right answer on a multiple choice

Chocobean 17 years ago | |

If only all teachers would like like you TAed, we'd have more kids who have learned how to troubleshoot instead of circle the right answer on a multiple choice

Zarathu 17 years ago |

Don't give her the answer, but it's okay to help her train of thought get to the right answer.

Give her debugging skills.

ZeroGravitas 17 years ago |

It sounds like she might have fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindset_(book)

"Those with a fixed mindset believe their talents and abilities cannot be improved through any means. They feel that they are born with a certain amount of talent and typically do not wish to challenge their abilities due to the possibility of failure. Individuals with a fixed mindset frequently guard themselves against situations in which they feel they need to prove their personal worth. Challenges are frequently viewed negatively, instead of as an opportunity for personal growth."

"People that practice a growth mindset believe intelligence, talents, and abilities can be developed over time. They believe abilities, such as athleticism and mathematical capacity, can be improved through hard work and persistence. When presented with an obstacle, those practicing a growth mindset tend to rise to the challenge. Often, people of the growth mindset do not fear failure; instead, they view it as a chance to improve themselves."

"anyone can change their mindset at any age or at any stage in life. She also provides steps or ideas that the reader can follow to achieve the growth mindset."

HeyLaughingBoy 17 years ago |

Since she's your sister, I'm fairly sure you've known each other for a while!

How did you handle it in the past? This is almost certainly not new behavior.

ScottWhigham 17 years ago |

What about pointing her in the direction on an online forum that she could post and get questions answered? ExpertS-exchange and StackOverflow come to mind.

rms 17 years ago |

Tell her to ask the professor or TA during office hours.

wooster 17 years ago | |

I'm not sure why you were voted down, as that's exactly what she should be doing. Study groups are good too, and there are usually private tutors available for a price.

One of my regrets about college is not taking more advantage of office hours.

Allocator2008 17 years ago |

Just say, "Well, how would YOU approach this?" to gauge where she is at. So rather than solve it for her every time, have her give it a stab first. Let her be totally wrong, but at least have her try. Then correct her approach and set her on the right path. Then if she really is stuck after making an honest effort, then help out with the answer, but basically the more times questions like "What do you think?" are put to her, the more she will hopefully think on her own.

lleger 17 years ago |

She's not a real engineer if she doesn't fail by herself. Of course, by fail I really mean try and try and eventually get it right. What should you do? Tell her to quit engineering.