Ask HN: Help, I'm over-extended and I can't get up

4 points by trysomething 12 years ago | 7 comments

My parents' raised me to be a helpful person, and I've always tried to help others' when asked. It's worked out well .. I feel good doing this and learn from the experience. I'm a hacker and founder, and after having (a modicum) of success at both the requests for help have risen dramatically.

I read an article a few months ago that made it seem A-OK, that things would somehow "work out": http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/magazine/is-giving-the-secret-to-getting-ahead.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

This has not been the case with me. I have learned a lot, and gotten closer to a lot of people, but I've been neglecting my own interests to do so. The problem is I can't say no. When I say can't I really mean can't.

I don't have the vocabulary or gumption to (even politely) say I don't have the time or resources to do someone a favor. I realize this is not sustainable, but I also don't want to burn the amazing bridges I have built.

My goal right now is to go from "going all out" on every request to instead add a bit of value (suggestions, intro's etc) while maintaining at least 75% of my efforts on my own projects and interests. If any of you have had this problem, please let me know how you solved it!

SEJeff 12 years ago |

1.) Grow a spine.

2.) Learn to politely say no. When I say politely, I mean to give a valid excuse why you can't spend 100% of your time on said request.

3.) Offer alternatives ie: I know person X who could help you with Y, but I likely won't be able to get to this for a few months and it would be a better use of your time to talk to person X.

In my career, I've never ever had a problem with saying no so long as I am able to offer a viable alternative for the user. Just thickening up and growing a spine will make you a lot less frustrated, try it sometime. Saying no is empowering :)

sejje 12 years ago | |

> Saying no is empowering.

I just want to second this. Saying no was my 2012 goal and it did me a ton of good. Embrace it.

tarr11 12 years ago | |

I get the sense that this post is OP's attempt to accomplish #1.

SEJeff 12 years ago | | |

Yup, just wanted to re-enforce. You have to say no.

helen842000 12 years ago |

Ah yes, I have had to tackle this head on in the past. I love helping people, to a fault. However it's detrimental to your progress, success & ability to continue sustainably helping people long term if you keep saying 'Yes' regardless.

Imagine 'future you' is asking you for a favour in freeing up some of your time and now that is your main focus.

As for how to say 'no' you don't actually have to! :) Instead, add a little friction into the deal to make it easier on you.

So next time someone asks you to 'build me a quick website for my sisters, uncles litter of kittens' just say 'Why sure! I'd love to help! I'll need 5 photos, a list of exactly what you want it to say, a sketch of the layout and the details of their domain/web host. Send it all to this e-mail address. I usually get to work on my free projects at the end of the month"

I usually get 'will you come and fix my computer' several times a month. I just say sure, drop it off at my house between these times on this day. 9 times out of 10, they don't even do that. The other time it's someone who genuinely appreciates it and needs assistance and when they drop it round, I've not had to spend on fuel or leave the comfort of home and it's an easy fix..

By all means, keep being helpful but make sure it's on your terms.

caw 12 years ago |

I'm not entirely sure what you're spending your time on from this, but what are they asking for? Try to get the other person to do as much work as possible, so you can minimize the amount of time you're spending on it.

I'd also agree with either charging money or passing them off to someone else. I'd mostly go with #2 since you want your time (You sad "at least 75% [towards your] own projects")

lifeisstillgood 12 years ago |

Keep saying yes - just also Charge money. Around a 100 USD an hour.

If someone asks for a favour then two things are known - one it is good for them because its off their mental todo list and now on yours. And secondly it cannot be mission critical to them because it is low ranked enough to be a favour. So they care that you said it would get done but oddly care less that thing itself is done.

So charge money. Say Yes - that's about 12 hours work at 100 USD/hr

You are not saying no - you are just asking them to prioritise the things they will try and do. It's a win win all round believe me.