There is no way to predict how your significant other will handle a breakup. Any breakup is emotionally wrecking, and seeing each other every day only makes it worse for everybody. I do not envy either of them.
Mr. Mateen's behavior is deplorable, but not exactly surprising. There are only a few ways to handle a breakup. Some are positive, some are negative, but this behavior is definitely on the list of possibilities. Ms. Wolfe should have recognized that risk when she went into business with her boyfriend.
In normal circumstances, she could just ignore him and he would (hopefully) cool off. But obviously she can't do that when she works closely with him.
When she began dating Mr. Mateen, there was a risk she would break up with him, and a subsequent risk he would act insane because of it. When she went into business with Mr. Mateen, she lost her options of mitigating that risk sacrificing her ability to ignore him in the event of emotional catastrophe.
This sucks for everybody involved, but especially for her.
This guy seems like a real piece of shit.
As shown by the first Ms. Wolfe was able to handle separating her breakup from her duties at work. She went into starting the company knowing she would be able to handle remaining professional at work if the relationship ended.
Mr. Mateen went into founding a company with his significant other and was clearly unable to handle separating the company from his relationship. This falls squarely on his shoulders.
Plenty of successful companies are built up around relationships. Plenty of companies survive their founders ending their relationship. While it is painful, they most frequently are able to work things out by being civil and being able to separate their relationship from their business. This all falls on Mr. Mateen's shoulders for not being able to separate the two.
To be clear: Ms. Wolfe is the obvious victim in this situation. She did nothing to deserve it, and all responsibility for it falls on the frail, slimy shoulders of Mr. Marteen. There is no way she could have predicted that he would act like this. However, she could have known it was a risk.
Furthermore, the fact that Mr. Marteen is 100% responsible for this situation does not invalidate my advice. I am merely pointing out the risks of starting a company (or joining one?) with your significant other. To paraphrase another HN commenter:
When the police teach people not to leave their keys in their car while they pump gas and go get a snack, is that victim blaming? No. It's advising people to consider the risks of their actions, which could unintentionally lead to a bad outcome.
In fact, I agree with you. He should definitely be gone, not her. She seems to enjoy Tinder the app/product/company, and were it not for him, she would still be there.
The reason that is not the case is because there is a systemic lack of HR or proper channel to report this behavior. But that's another discussion entirely. I'm simply saying it can be a bad idea to start/join a company with your significant other. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. But you should realize this is a risk.
I think it's possible to make the point you made without sounding like you're blaming the victim, but you didn't do it.
Choosing to venture outside without an umbrella does not put you at fault for the rain. Choosing to go into business with your boyfriend does not put you at fault for his emotional issues.
Is it victim blaming to advise carrying an umbrella when it might rain? No.
My point is that when she joined the company, there was a risk she would break up with her boyfriend and he would go batshit-crazy. That risk always exists. It's sad and unfortunate, but it's a risk.
She chose to take that risk, and is unfortunately suffering from its negative consequences. But taking the risk does not put her at fault for the outcome, and pointing out the risk does not put me at fault for victim blaming.
(By pointing out the risks of going into business with your significant other, I took the risk of being labeled a victim blamer. Does that make me responsible for being called a victim blamer? Mind blown)
1. She should have known the risk of walking down that dark alley by herself.
2. It's important to understand that it can be dangerous to walk down dark alleys by oneself.
The latter is just solid advice. The former is easily interpreted as "blaming the victim".
You're right, by pointing out the risks, you took the risk of being labeled a victim blamer. And yet you still managed to use victim-blaming language despite being completely aware of how it would be taken. All I can advise is to take more care with how you word posts which you know will be controversial, and if it's pointed out, merely apologize and mention that you didn't intend that interpretation, rather than essentially repeating your victim-blaming mistake again by blaming people who read your post for responding to the words it contains rather than reading your mind to glean your intent.