I am just another muppet on the net, who I am to give you advice? But let me tell you my story instead, maybe there is something for you in it:

I burnt out many years ago, kept ignoring it, went deeper down the rabbit hole and ended up with a major depressive disorder and a serious general axiety disorder. At one point before I went for professional help - too late ofc - when I was close to jump from the next bridge at any moment. It was 50/50 at that time that I would not survive, I was done for good. It took 10+ years of self-exploitation to bring me to this point. I never fully recovered, required serious medication just being able to do the simplest things for a couple of years. Being burnt-out is like being an ex-alcoholic, the wrong work environment and I am back on the self-exploitation wagon. It's not about stress or problems, it's about the self-exploitation. You are doing this to yourself, though the environment you work at may foster that tendency (often intentionally).

I was a rock star at work, invincible, the world was mine until there was nothing left inside me. I gave it all, never kept anything for the way back. I squeezed out more and more without noticing what I am doing to myself metally and physically as long term consequences. It never occured to me that things required more and more from me, even things I did with ease years before. And man, did I party hard, first on weekends only, later on weekdays as well. And serious spending sprees, worse than ever before. I just didn't care anymore. Just to ease the pain inside me that was eating me up. This went on for another year or so until I was done for good, Finished, down for the count in my 30s. I went for help one day, when I sat in tears at home while watching the documentary "The Bridge" on YT. I was the person with the long black hair that is about to jump. That was me, I felt it. I was already mentally there. It's me. I cried. But I had some fight left in me, something just didn't want to give up. Never understood what is was, it made no sense. It wasn't survival instinct. Maybe it was the rock star, that still had one last riff in him.

I wasn't able to work for years, just some pet projects of mine, just for me, silly things, but I could do them at least. Though there were weeks and months I barely could do anything. Even taking a shower took all energy I had left, often I didn't even manage that. During that time all my savings were eaten up, and I landed on wellfare for an extended period of time. My health went to shit as well. But everything was better than going back to the same kind of environment that made me sick in the end, or to phrase it better where I would exploit myself again.

Couple of years passed, I felt stable enough again. I noticed that I started to browse more often for jobs. Not sure what I wanted too do. But I fell into a trap: I looked at money, because I knew I deserved it. I turned down offers after a full interview cycle in the last second, just didn't sign. Jobs others would kill for. Why? I was afraid of falling back into old behaviour. But the banks wanted me, they wanted me so hard, that is were I belong - I thought - the big bonus checks I always strifed for, the acknowledgement I never got at home. But I couldn't get myself to sign. I was afraid. But it felt good to know that the the ones who once turned me down desired me. Saying no, gave me some unknown streangth I hadn't felt in years.

Had a lot of interviews as I grow stronger again. Many rejections, many bad interviews. Either they did not want me, or I didn't want to work there. I took jobs at two startups, thought their ways may help, each a year part, and got fired after a few weeks on each for cause. Yeah, deserved it - I just couldn't deliver anymore, I was not ready, even though the demands were low for someone of my skill. I thought my talent was gone for good, that I lost the magic touch.

Then the right job came along at the right company in an environment I felt safe in. I knew it right away during the screening call. It was clear, that environment cannot harm me. Didn't even had too jump through hoops, it was probably love at first sight; The environment there was for sure toxic by objective standards, but in a different way, a way that could not harm me, that could not not push me over the edge to exploit myself again.

And now the kicker: it was FAANG...

Probalby the one with most toxic, fear ridden environment of all, if you believe stories on the net. But for me it was different. I was very relaxed, sometimes did more hours, somtimes less. Some days I had no productive output, some days I had a lot of energy. But I was able to deliver, the little engine that could, the rock star slowly came back. For me, it might have been the near absence of bureacracy and admistrative overhead. I was given, a lot of freedom, but sure I had to deliver in return. Sometimes there was a lot of stress, sometimes things just sucked, but all in all I never felt pressured to perform in that pressure cooker, I just did and it felt natural.

I saw peers running after the big pay checks, mentally jacking of to the stock value rising. I just didn't care, I was more than decently compensated, probably less than others at my experience level. But I just didn't care, didn't even negotiate or cared what they will offer me initially. When the offer came I just signed, didn't even look at compensation plan details. I was also not that attacjed to physical things and possessions anymore compared to how it has been before, though I could afford a lot. I was also not obsessed with building wealth, sure I build some again. But it could go boom tommorrow and I would have shrug it off. I had a more than decent paycheck, what do I need more?

Maybe that is the result of hitting rock bottom. Who knows? But be aware, rock bottom has a basement, I've seen it...

Right before the pandemic I left FAANG, but only because I wanted to leave the US behind. The America I immigrated once to and that I loved with all its flaws was just not at home anymore. It feelt like place that got stranger to me every day, though I spent most all of my life there. But I felt it was time to go. My FAANG also changed, bot good or better I don't know. But it wasn't my FAANG anymore. The one lesson I learnt during my dark times: There is no lock on the cage! FAANG tried to keep me, said I could work from one of the branches in other countries, even making me really obscene compensation offering that for sure I was not worth. Thank you, but no thanks, I need to go.

There is no lock on the cage!

Now have a job that pays terrible for my skill level, but the fun thing is, I am as stable as I never have been before. I would say I am even on the edge of being happy again 10 years after I completly broke down, though my health lies in shambles, but I just do not care. Just one day after another, enjoying the little things. On occiasions though I notice that I start to exploit myself again. Nah, not gonna happen for sure...

Now that I think of it, I guess I am happy now...

user:	35mm_guy
created:	January 3, 2022
karma:	13