I need help HN.

I have been stuck in a dead end job for the past few years and I've forgotten what's it like to have a passion for development, I've forgotten what's it like to have the ability to create something.

A bit of background first: I have been programming for the past 6 years, mostly I've been doing pretty much the same job for the past six years (1 year repeated 6 times) even though I somewhat enjoyed it I never learned anything besides the typical CRUD apps. Very few times I had to develop something from scratch, my job consisted mostly of fixing bugs and the new feature every now and then, so even though I have 6 years of "programming" experience I feel unable to build stuff, I am far far away from being a truly experienced developer.

I graduated with an information technology degree where I was not exposed to a lot of computer science, however I never really saw it as a flaw, until now. Most of my programming knowledge I learned "on the job", at least I learned enough to do the kind of Job I've always done, but not much more than that. Sadly I realize now that I lack a natural curiosity for how things work and that most of the time I was blindly copying/pasting code from the Internet, I've fooled myself into thinking that I am a programmer.

I started reading HN since last year, and ever since I've become anxious and depressed.

Anxious because HN has introduced me to technologies, people and ideas that I find incredibly amazing and inspiring, so much in fact that for the first time I feel that a programmer is much much more than just fixing bugs, that you can create amazing things!, this started a revolution in my head, I now have a goal: I want to be like these guys I want be admired by my peers and start amazing projects or maybe launch a cool startup, who knows? for the first time I feel that the sky really is the limit, all the tools that you need are there for the taking for FREE all the knowledge you need is right there! look at all the amazing technologies like node, backbone.js, coffeescript, redis, riak, neo4j, hadoop, clojure, scala, django, rails, android, look at all the cool things you can do with linux, bash ...I mean it's all over the place and they are open source...I have no excuse.

Depressed because I feel worthless compared to all the amazing hackers of the HN community, I feel that no matter how hard I work I will never be at the same level as any of you.

I have tried telling myself that its alright, that its all about hard work that I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and just do it and start working, but no matter how hard I try I keep having these feelings of inadequacy and pretty soon I'm back to feeling sorry for myself, "it doesn't matter how hard you work, you'll never be like them" says the little devil in the back of my head, and this time the feeling is twice as strong because I've failed once more.

This is indeed ruining my life.

To make matters worse I lost my job two months ago and I can't find a new job, I fail every interview time and time again, I have applied for junior positions but I am rejected because of my age and profile...even though my experience is useless and meaningless.

I have a gigantic list of ideas and technologies and "stuff" that I have compiled throughout the time I've been reading HN of things I want to learn, things I SHOULD know to save face and call myself a programmer again.I keep adding and adding items to that list but I never finish anything, I lack too much knowledge that I don't even know how I can call myself a programmer anymore, let alone how am I going to get through the interviews, how can I ever reach my goal of becoming a hacker?

I bought a few books for instance Introduction to algorithms and SCIP I get motivated, I start reading doing the exercises, watching the lectures and then boom! I lose motivation, and worst I never end up doing anything useful, whatever little I learn I forget.

I have tried to start side projects I have a cool idea set up I start thinking about it and then again I lose motivation "that's too hard, too much work you'll never be able to finish that, why are you even trying?" again say the voices in the back of my head.

I can't finish anything.

I'm 30 years old and I do not know what do anymore I am thinking of seeing a therapist because I truly feel there is something wrong with me and sadly thoughts of suicide have popped up every now and then... I'm seriously thinking of quitting development altogether and doing something else. At 30 and with a wife this is a big risk but I can't keep living like this anymore.

If anyone can give me any pointers that can help me overcome these feeling I'll really appreciate it.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.

user:	Michael_K
created:	August 20, 2010
karma:	-1