I've suffered in a similar way for over 40 years. Like you, I tried psychologists and psychiatrists, meds and meditation, all of which had varying success. Mostly I ended up with the same black dog following me around -- sometimes father away and sometimes closer, but always there. My life is a litany of jobs I quit, never again to talk to any of my co-workers, and jobs that were ended for me; lost friends and friends never made. Sadness at missing out on what might have been, and living in fear of the bottom suddenly dropping out.

Fat and out of shape, I started swimming. It was horrible, awful, painful, miserable. I sucked at swimming. The water was cold, I hated the people I had to talk to, I got athlete's foot and ear infections. Actually going to the pool took every bit of willpower I could muster. Many days I thought "why bother? I don't want to live anymore, anyway."

But I made myself go. Gritted my teeth and went. First 10 minutes a day, 3 days a week. Then 15. Then 30. Then 4 days a week. Then 60 minutes. Then 5 days a week. I never thought about it helping with my sometimes crushing depression, but I knew that my obesity was hurting my back and my heart, so I kept going.

It's been 18 months. I've lost 50 lbs of fat and gained muscle. My back is better, my blood pressure is down and can walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing.

Sure enough, I still see the black dog around every once in a while, but less often. I'm starting to enjoy my job, frustrating as it is -- something about the rhythm of getting up, going to the pool and then going to work. Now that I feel like I'm getting good at swimming, it's an incentive to keep going and a virtuous circle. And the bonus is I can eat what I want without stressing about my blood pressure and my weight.

This may or may not be the approach for you, but I strongly feel that there's are 2 things at work: fitness, and becoming good at something.

Make no mistake, I'm no super swimmer, but I'm good for me. You may think you can never be good at anything, but trust me, it's possible to get very good at something you choose to do. Patient persistence, even when it hurts, will pay off.

Caveat: this is not an instant cure. It takes time and effort that I know you feel you can't muster right now. Take small steps and make yourself do it. Grit your teeth and get out of bed even when you feel you can't, and just go exercise, particularly doing something at which you can build skill, even if it's for only 5 or 10 minutes. It might take 6 months, it might take 2 years, but DON'T QUIT!!

You can do it!

And it will work.

user:	franbulax
created:	August 7, 2015
karma:	24