Figuring I can be a bit more open since it's a throwaway account (edit - this kinda escalated)

I lost eighty pounds in a year with that body image "trick", but that's only half the story at best. That's what I desired, but it wouldn't have been enough motivation. And if you have a severe mismatch between your body image and your body that's not going to cause good vibes, will it?

So I don't know how depression manifests for others. For me it has usually taken the shape of a particular mean intonation in my inner monologue (I don't have or hear separate voices let alone characters, I'm not a schizo). When my depression gets worse, that part of my inner monologue gets more frequent and nasty, like incredibly nasty in ways I haven't ever even thought about being to anyone in my entire life, ever, not even close. I've literally never told anyone about this and tearing up a bit now. I'm kinda at a loss how to describe it. Calling it "mean spirited" would be the most British understatement in the last few ten-thousand years. When I had really bad days it felt like "it" just wanted to destroy me, like total annihilation until nothing was left and then discard (suicide) the empty husk. Thinking about this makes me wonder how I survived those days. I'd guess without binge-watching some series and binging some video games I might actually be dead now. Not such a waste of time after all, I suppose...

So uh I don't know how exactly I've done it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell because it's just such an obviously bad idea. I don't think it was a conscious choice, because even to a very depressed person it would've been obvious how insane doing that would be. But what I did was I weaponized that part of me, the depression, into helping me loose weight.

When I went hungry during a day or wanted to eat more, and obviously if you loose that much weight that quickly you're going to pretty often, ... I "let" that mean part speak up and be nasty and ugly and mean to me as much as "it" wanted to. People thought I was "soooo strong-willed" doing this but that's really not true. I just bullied myself into doing it. Every day. Sure... I had a positive idea that I wanted to achieve, but that wasn't how I got there. It's probably an incredibly bad idea to do it like this and a super easy way to end up with an eating disorder or more mental health issues, but at least depression was finally good for something. And it's way better now that I don't loathe and hate what I see in the mirror any more. I can look in a mirror now and say "you look fine today" to myself. And when I put nice clothes on, because I have some of those now, even with colors, I think I look good and I've even got a few compliments and guess how often that happened in the last decade before.

I didn't know that had to get out. But well. There you have it. Does "co-opting depression to rain fire and brimstone on yourself so you stop being fat so you stop being depressed so much" count as "working on your mental health"?

user:	niom
created:	September 26, 2022
karma:	73