I am court ordered to pay for my children's livelihood, and I can't live with them, so I need to pay for my own livelihood. I also owe about $10k in taxes from two years ago, and $10k on my car that just got repo'd, I haven't paid December's rent and don't have any money for January's, I have $150 to my name. I got fired from my last client on the last day of November. I've worked with him since around 2019. I applied for regular jobs in 2017 and 2018, and was offered many jobs including one by Goldman Sacchs for quarter million a year, but their offer and every other one was retracted because of my criminal background.

In particular, 7 years ago and 12 years ago, I flashed teenagers. That's the crime. I was told it'd be easier to find a job if I had murdered someone, because nobody understands the mental illness that causes flashing, which I don't have anymore and haven't for years. But my name is part of google search now, the entire first page, so I can't escape it.

I don't know where to find clients who would be willing to work with me. And I'm on a time crunch. I am legally required to pay $3k/month for my wife and children's livelihood, and have no money to pay a lawyer to get that overturned, and when I presented my case to the judge he already said no, I will have to pay this or be found guilty of contempt. I also owe about $1k/month in back taxes and other debts. Not to mention needing to afford a lawyer (guessing $1k/month), and rent ($1k) and food ($200) for myself per month. That puts me at $5200/month.

So I figure I need to make about $40/hour, which sounds like a lot but remember Goldman offered me $125/hour which testifies to my skill even if they retracted it for other reasons. And I got many similar offers for anywhere from $50-$100/hour from other companies out here.

I'm absolutely out of ideas. I have very very little time left to get a job before I'll probably be homeless. This is creating decision paralysis. I also have very little idea how to navigate job applications lately. I get no hits on upwork, and I can't work in government/financial/medical jobs because of my criminal record. And I can't find any subreddits where I can offer my services as a software consultant.

I have basically no advertising or marketing skills at all. I've made some software that I think is legitimately innovative and asked for GH sponsors for it, and posted regularly on HN to tell people about it, and it gets no attention at all, not a single upvote ever. And I imagine reddit would be even harder to get noticed on.

I'm okay with dying, I actually kind of prefer it, so if this doesn't work out, then that's it, and I'm done, and I've done my best. But my children need me to provide for them, and I will do everything I can to provide for them. That's my only purpose in life, and if I fail at that, then I'll be glad to go to sleep.

---

3 clarifications:

I would rather die than not provide for my children. My one and only purpose in life is to be their father. So I will provide for them or die trying.

I have the skills for $150/hour, so I'm sure someone out there is willing to get it at the bargain price of $50/hour. I just need to find them somehow.

And I am not suicidal. I am just really, really tired of life, and would be relieved to finally be done living in a lose-lose situation, whether by success or failure.

user:	njnewsman
created:	November 9, 2021
karma:	6