Listening to them deeply and finding out their core frustrations is key, just like how you would interact with a user to discover their pain points. In my experience, when my partner claims I work too much it isn't always because I literally work too much.

Of course, sometimes my work/life balance needs to be readjusted and brought back to an acceptable equilibrium. However, the frustration often comes from not conveying my love for her in a way she recognizes and receives it.

The book The Five Love Languages[1], by Gary Chapman, opened my eyes to this. I'd recommend it to everyone. The premise of the book is that we all have unique preferences for what we find satisfying when it comes to love. Your love language is the way that you feel most loved. People usually love their partner how they want to be loved, and that doesn't tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. You need to convey your love in a way that matches your partner's love language [2].

In my situation, I've thought deeply and talked with my partner about this concept and determined our Love Languages. I now fill the time I spend with her to the brim with activities and behaviors that convey my love for her effectively. I've found that no matter how much time I end up spending with my her, the actual amount of time becomes a non-issue when she feels loved in a way that really resonates with her.

It might help to think about it in terms of the 80-20 rule[3], doing the 20% of effort necessary (conveying your love in a way that actually gets received) to get 80% of the return (a satisfied and loved partner). That may sound a bit cold when applied to relationships- to try to minimize the effort required to convey your love, but it's actually the nicest thing you can do for them.

[1] http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080...

[2] High level overview of the five love languages:

- Words of Affirmation - If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, that their world is a better place because you are in it, etc.

- Acts of Service - If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.

- Affection - This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.

- Quality Time - This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.

- Gifts - Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle

user:	soupajoe
created:	September 17, 2013
karma:	12