Inspired by "I'm burning out and I can't tell anyone". My story is about the same. I think I'm at the stage that comes after the burning out.

I'm a single, 30yo, systems architect at a quite known and popular Web company (top 30). I also have a strong open-source persona and pretty useful projects out there (overall around 2000 watchers, I guess). HN score of about 1400, all from feedback on projects I've released.

I'm the guy who always get a crazy eyebrow raised when people hear I don't have my own start up yet. I get tons of offers from CTOs, CEOs and founders to co-found/participate, and I usually think of the people offering them as misguided and naive. And if we're anonymous, let me throw in that I used to be a hacker, cracker, around 13 years ago, when I was in high school.

End background.

I find myself waking up at 8:30am, at work at 9:30am, finishing up at 19:30-20:00pm and at home by 21:30pm tops (I'm not living in the US). I still have most of my vacation quota unused. This leaves me with about 3 hours of free time where I do my open source work. Of that I allocate 1 hour to my girlfriend daily. I tried managing my life the traditional ways, and non-traditional ways (kanban). I even tried putting home tasks on a kanban and trying to measure velocity. All to get more time out of a day, more efficiently. I'm constantly in burn-out mode, but I found that I can take it. I become depressed, agonized, my back is killing me (even though I am in top shape -- used to compete athletically) and I cry like a girl alone sometimes. But then I pick myself up and move on; pick a task and do it.

Hero? no.

I got back to my home town yesterday (writing this hung over). Met my old friends: married + kids, and the sorts. Simple jobs (bus driver, photographer), 0-stress.

Where am I? where is the _exquisite_ systems architect? yes, I solve crazy problems (over 100M users), scalability and performance is my motto, but still struggling with a couple hours of free time per day, making my employer's dream come true (On several occasions, I had direct first hand influence on company's success -- i.e. if no me, no success, or at least considerable fiasco).

I have no friends (its quite hard to keep in touch when you have a couple hours a day, which you already use up). I barely see my family.

I'm not half the man I used to be, before the University-startup-startup-startup-enterprise-startup jobs run.

Should I give up everything to be a bus driver, a photographer, and move to a quiet town, leave the city and all of my skills and knowledge? I don't know who I am anymore. That's the question that bothers me.

Anyone recognizes this?

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user:	kman
created:	May 1, 2009
karma:	2